The world is at fault and he is to blame
by Saren Kol
Summary: A disaster neither could have prevented changed the lives of two teens.  Years later she gladly disiplines the willing and he's looking to atone for his actions.  If he wants to be punished, who is she to deny him?  AH/OOC
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Once this idea popped ever so silently into my head it morphed it's way like a virus into it's present form and would not leave me alone. Be warned that this is a VERY dark fic, not like any of my other stories. **

**Mesmerizeme is my amazing beta. I could not do this without her.**

**Isa is pronounced 'E-sa'**

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**

-Edward-

Whack...

Whack...

Whack...

Before the tenth slap on my ass even hits I am in tears. This is much better than when I first started. Before I could barely make it to two slaps before I broke down. Now, rather than make me feel better, the beatings mainly hurt a lot. I still feel the release of guilt, but I find myself having to work up to it.

Five slaps, that is all that Isa will allow once she sees my tears; enough to get me to let go and cry my eyes out. My mother always told me that sometimes she just needed a good cry to make her feel better. I never understood until Isa. I didn't understand a lot before Isa came into my life.

Once I am done sobbing in Isa's arms, she softly kisses the top of my head through her veil. Isa is no nonsense, get spanked, sob and go home. She is a nameless, faceless deliverer of justice.

I get dressed and start to leave when Isa grasps my wrist before I can reach the door handle.

"You are very close to being healed, Edward," she tells me in a raspy voice. It almost sounds as though she has been crying herself. I am shocked to hear her speak at all. I realize that until this moment I have never heard Isa's voice.

"How can you tell?" I turn to face her, awaiting her answer.

I watch, transfixed, as Isa bows her head and raises her hands to her veil, lifting it up and over her head.

"Because, Edward, you are close to believing me when I say that I forgive you."

I stare at her in curiosity for only a fraction of a second before she raises her head and looks me in the eyes.

No!

It can't be!

**A/N: Yes this was short, but it's the prolouge, I am also posting chapter one today to get this going. I prefer to post on a regular weekly schedule, so I will put out a new chapter every week on Saturdays. If I am going to be gone on a Saturday I will do my best to post that Friday instead.**

**I'd love to hear what you have to say about this story, good or bad.**

**~Saren**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Mermerizeme is my awesome beta, most of the commas in this story belong to her.**

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight**

-Jacob-

The leather of the flogger makes a very loud sound when it comes in contact with human flesh, especially at high speeds, especially when wet.

However, the sound is nothing compared to the pain as it cuts deep into my rear. The pain from the flogger especially reminds me of the belt my father used when he spanked me as a child when I was bad. It was usually my brother Seth and I getting into trouble that caused the spankings; and this is where I start to cry. Not because I miss my father, he was a drunken fool who liked to beat his kids. No, I cry because I miss my brother, because I wasn't there the day he killed himself.

My name is Jacob Black and I blame myself for my brother's death.

All I ever did in school was study. I had a plan to get a full scholarship to a college and move far away from my father. Then, as soon as I could, I was going to come back for my little brother, Seth. It took a little longer than I had hoped to get a scholarship, and even then, it was to a very small college, and not even a full ride. I had to work two jobs to save up enough money to move out and into the apartments near campus.

Finally, I had done it. I saved enough for a few months rent and finally secured a small, one bedroom apartment. It was small and run down, the plumbing didn't work most of the time and I was sure there were rats in the building, but this is where my father wasn't, and that made it perfect.

The only problem was that the college was two hours away from our home on the reservation in La Push, Washington and Seth was still in High School for another four months. Seth and I begged our father to let him take the G.E.D. test so he could graduate early, but he refused to sign the papers, and Seth could not take the test without a parent's approval. Seth asked me to forge the signature, but I was too scared that I would be found out and lose the scholarship. It was the only real chance that Seth and I had at a future. So, I told him to just tough it out and that he could spend every weekend at my apartment.

This seemed to work for a while, but as the weeks dragged on I could see Seth becoming more and more depressed. Whereas before I could shield him from our father, or we would take the abuse together, Seth now got it all. I wanted so much to take him away from there, but he needed his diploma and this was the only way.

I should have seen it coming; I should have tried harder to get him out of there, but I didn't, and less than two weeks before he would have graduated, he hung himself with his rented graduation gown. My father didn't even know he was missing, even after the school called looking for him. It wasn't until I came back to get him for the weekend that he was found.

Three days, he had been hanging from the ceiling fan for three days before I found him. I know this because he left me a note, telling me that there was no way out and that I was better off without him keeping me down.

My father didn't even wake up when the police came in to take my statement and collect Seth's body. When the cops asked if my father was dead too, I just shook my head. I wish.

So now, I lay here, my ass being hit repeatedly with a wet leather flogger until I cry. I count the times the instrument makes contact after I begin crying. Five times, always five more and then it's over.

Strong, yet small arms pull me to her and I sob uncontrollably. Here, I don't have to be strong. Here, I don't have to be a 'man'. Here, I can just be.

Her hands stroke my back, silently telling me that there was nothing more that I could have done, that it was not my fault. Each time we go through this it becomes easier to believe, easier to remember my brother without the pain of his death. I am not forgetting his death, just moving past it.

Once I have recovered from my display of anguish, I pull my clothes back on and look up to see Isa standing before me. She is covered from wrist to ankle in soft cotton; today it is a lovely lime green color. A black veil completely covers her face.

"Thank you, Isa." I say as I start for the door. "I'll see you next week?" Isa nods and I know that is all the acknowledgement I will get from her. Isa never speaks, never touches more than necessary and never allows you to see anything beyond her hands. I nod back as I open the door and depart.

-Isa-

They all seem to flock to me. The needy, the guilty, the ones who can't let go. They come to me for help, for atonement.

I ask each of them why they are here, what it is that they cannot let go of. They tell me of course, that is why I am here. Yet, no one ever asks me why I am here, why I am doing this. I suppose they think I am doing this for the greater good, so that my fellow man can sleep better at night.

That's sentimental bullshit.

I am here for one reason and one reason only; I want my revenge. Unfortunately, there is no one to blame, no one at fault. I cannot channel my anger at the unfairness of the world into one being, just one event that no one could have helped. So, here I am, using these people to take out my anger at the world.

I discovered the need in the world for people to have their guilt punished out of them by accident. I was walking home from the market in one of my very sparse trips out of my apartment when a man came up and attacked me. His intent was perfectly clear, he wanted to dominate and rape me.

When I say dominate though, I do not mean in whips and chains, but by using his physical power to inflict his will on me. I was normally a very shy and timid person, but something snapped in me that day. I overpowered him with some self-defense moves I learned when I first moved to the city and pulled him over my knees. I then began to spank him hard, right on his ass. He thrashed about but I refused to let him win and I continued to pound on his behind with all of my might. After a few moments, he was crying in pain and humiliation but I continued on. My hand was stinging with pain, yet I refused to relent.

And then it happened, he changed from crying to sobbing. His whole body shook as his sobs overtook him and he whimpered 'I'm sorry' to me over and over. Seeing as he was no longer a threat, I released him and watched in wonder as he curled into a little ball in front of me. I did not stay to see what happened next, I knew that danger still lurked and I was not comfortable with being out in public for too long. So I stood, and after looking toward the crying man once more, made my way home.

I saw the man several days later on another trip back from the market.

"Miss?" He called after me. "Please, Miss, may I speak with you for a moment?"

It was still light out and there were several people on the sidewalk near us so I figured he wouldn't try anything here. I stopped walking but did not acknowledge him. He seemed to take that as permission to continue.

"Miss, I wanted you to know that what you did before changed my life. I was so lost and in a very dark place, but after you did that to me, it was like a dam bursting, and all of my emotions that I had kept hidden for so long just poured out. I finally saw the monster I had become and was ashamed to be. I cried myself to sleep right there, Miss. And when I woke up, I felt better than I had in a very long time."

I remained silent, but still, still turned away from him, my hair down and hiding my face.

"Anyway, Miss, I just thought you should know that." The man walked away but I continued to stand there for a moment, digesting what the man had told me. I knew that I had felt like I had finally gotten a little back on the world that night, and apparently he seemed just as affected.

The next week I placed an ad in the paper.

"Do you have guilt? Are you a man suppressing his emotions? Do you feel the need to be punished for your wrongdoings? Call 555-5309."

Three out of every five men that called were looking for sex and bondage, but the other two were looking for what I had to offer, and this is how Isa was born. Since then I have rented out an office space downtown, which I had soundproofed. I have a secretary, an office and a 'treatment' room. Not much, but it gets the job done.

My name is Isa, and I make men cry.

**A/N: I purposely did not name Jacob's father cause I just can't do that to Billy or Harry.**

**I'd love to hear what you think about this story, good or bad.**

**~Saren**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: It thrills me that people actually like this story! **

**Mesmerizeme is my amazing beta! **

**On with the show...**

-Edward-

I stand around at Starbucks waiting for my coffee order. I miss the coffee back in my Chicago, they say that the coffee is better here in Seattle, but I tend to disagree. Give me a regular cup of joe and I'm good, all this fancy stuff is a little too much for my taste.

So, why did I go to Starbucks? Because it's right around the corner from where I work and it's on the way; not that I know many other coffee shops around here, I just moved into my apartment last week and started my new job yesterday. It's so strange starting over in a new city, but I had to get away from my family, away before they suspected what I was doing to myself.

I am not actually sure if I am running away, or running towards my past. Here in Seattle I am so close to where my life changed, to where everyone's life changed; Forks, Washington. It seemed so fitting, like a fork in the road, two paths to choose from. That is what has haunted me for so long now, the fact that I choose the wrong road, and other people paid for it with their lives.

My name is finally called and I grab for my coffee and head out of the shop toward my building. I am lost in my own thoughts and do not notice the woman heading towards me, not until I spilled my hot coffee all over her blouse.

"Oh my goodness Miss. I-I am so, so sorry." I stammer as I stand there in shock for a moment, unsure of how she is going to react.

"It's fine!" she seethes. But I know that phrase, my mother used it on me often enough when she was angry but didn't feel like explaining why to me. I have to make this right; I can't stand another person being hurt because of my actions.

"No, really, Miss, let me help you." I look around for a solution, a clothing store, a dry cleaners, anything.

"It's fine!" she practically yells at me. Not to be deterred, I begin rooting in my wallet for some cash to give her. But by the time I have a decent amount to hopefully replace the blouse, she is gone. I sigh as I toss my now empty cup in a nearby trashcan.

The universe hates me; I have come to accept that.

Once upon a time things were not so. I had great friends, a great future, a beautiful woman by my side and not a care in the world. That all changed during the fire when I lost my friends; my future was out of reach, and the one person who really understood me wouldn't even talk to me. I don't blame her though. I destroyed her life; I destroyed a lot of lives.

It was just before my senior year at Forks high school and my friends and I were planning a back to school party. I had grown up with these friends all of my life, our parents were so close we called them all Aunt or Uncle instead of Mister or Missus. We all even lived on the same street, and it didn't matter whose house we ended up at for supper, we would just eat where we were playing. Perfectly evened out, three girls and three boys. Everything was right in our little world.

Of course, since we all spent so much time together, we were bound to pair off once we got to the ages where we started to notice the opposite sex. Emmett, the oldest of the group started dating Rosalie, Jasper started dating little Alice, and I dated Bella. My beautiful Bella.

A few people showed to the party, but it was mostly for us six to kick back and have fun. The girls spent hours decorating Alice's house and then hours more getting themselves ready. I wasn't about to complain though, I loved having the most beautiful girl on my arm. And that night was no exception, Bella was so beautiful.

Apparently, there was some fashion craze involving duct tape going on that year and there was some talk about a fashion contest for duct tape clothing. I was skeptical at first, especially when I saw the suits the girls had designed for us, but looking at the dresses the girls were in and changed my mind. They shimmered and glowed in soft pastel colors, like something out of a dream. They called that night their 'test run' for the outfits they would make for prom, which they would enter into the competition.

Alice's parents were spending the night out and left the house to us. The only rule they had was no alcohol, other than that anything went. We partied the night away, dancing and just having fun together. A little after midnight Jasper and Emmett got into a friendly argument as to who could stuff the most marshmallows in their mouth. We all laughed as the boasted numbers got higher and higher. Finally, Emmett called on Jasper to prove his number and the hunt for marshmallows began. Alice did not have any at the house and no one wanted to wake up their parents getting more, so I volunteered to drive down to the 7-11, the only 24-hour place in town and get some.

Bella wanted to come with me, but Alice and Rosalie convinced her that they could use the time to strategize the prom dresses. I kissed her goodbye and slipped into the driver's seat of my car.

The drive to the 7-11 was less than 10 minutes. I spent five minutes in the store and 10 minutes driving back. Overall, it took less than half of an hour, but looking back, it seems like I took forever to return. As soon as I got to the front door, I knew something was wrong. Light and shadows danced under the doorway while small wisps of smoke seeped out.

I grabbed for the door handle but jumped back when it burned my hand. Taking off my shirt and using it to protect my hand, I pushed open the door. Flames engulfed the inside of the house and I had to put my shirt to my face to block out the smoke. The fumes were noxious; something toxic must have caught on fire.

I shouted to the neighbors, trying to wake them to call 911. When I saw a light come on, I rushed into the house trying to find my friends. I found Bella first; I could barely see her lying on the floor through the smoke. I grabbed her and pulled her out of the house onto the lawn. I ran back to the door to try to get the others out, but a support in the house collapsed and blocked my way. I moved to break through the front picture window when I heard my father and several others come up and try to help me. Before we could get into the house, the fire department had arrived.

The firemen pulled us back and stormed inside the house. I ran back to where Bella was, wanting to see if she was okay. The ambulance arrived and the EMTs asked me to step back as they worked on her. One of the EMTs asked what she was wearing and I told him that it was a duct tape dress. He pulled out some scissors and began cutting the dress from her body. It was then that I realized that her dress was no longer the soft colors it had once been. It was now darkened and burned. It was also soon apparent that it was melted. It had melted right onto her skin. I could barely breathe as they put Bella on the stretcher and placed her into the ambulance, her parents climbing in behind her. She was alive, but barely.

Apparently, she was lucky. The fumes that I had smelled were from the melting duct tape, which not only suffocated everyone else, but melted to their bodies as well. The melted tape on their skins meant that they had burned alive.

I don't remember much more from that night and the haze continued through the funeral. There was one large funeral and they were all laid in plots next to each other. The families figured that it would be less painful this way.

I visited Bella in the burn unit at the hospital a few times, but they had put her in a coma because of the pain; I wanted to be in that coma with her. Although I know they would never say it, everyone blamed me for being the one to live. I found myself having nightmares wondering if I could have prevented it if I was there, or what would have happened if I had taken Bella with me to the store.

Within a few months, my parents decided that I needed a fresh start away from all of the painful memories, so we moved to Chicago to finish out my last year of high school. I heard the next summer that Bella was finally allowed to go home, but the burns had covered over 60 percent of her body and she was scarred for life. I tried to contact her but she never returned my calls or my letters. I had lost all of my friends and now my beautiful Bella.

I try not to dwell too much on the past, the days that I don't are much better. It took me five years to be able to come back anywhere near Forks, Washington, even two hours away in Seattle. My shrink thinks I am masochistic, but somehow it makes me feel closer to Bella. Even though I doubt she is even here anymore, her memories are still here for me.

I make it through my workday and go home to my empty apartment. Boxes litter the rooms because I haven't began to unpack. There is one thing I have unpacked though, the one thing that makes me feel better. I pull the warn and faded item from under the bathroom sink. I had it especially made, it's a flogger made out of duct tape with knots and sharp pieces of plastic tied into it. This is my repentance.

I take off my pants and sit on the bed. Steeling myself for the pain, I thrash the top of my thighs as hard as I can with the device. Again and again I whip the lashes onto my thighs, the knots and plastic biting at my flesh. I feel like my friends are watching, counting my lashes, waiting for me to catch up to them. I keep going until I don't have the strength to continue. I am weak and know that I will never catch up, but each night I try.

My name is Edward Cullen, and I couldn't save my friends.

**A/N: Thanks for reading! I've decided to give teasers for reviews so click on that little link down below.**

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	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you all for the great responce to this story so far.**

**mesmerizeme is me amazing and wonderful beta!**

-Mike-

I quietly enter the unmarked office suit shortly before my appointment time. Slowly I take in the sterility around me. Four highly functional metal chairs adorn the wall by the main door; a plain metal table sits in front of them. Facing this is a metal desk where the secretary, Angela, sits quietly typing away on a laptop. There are no pictures on the walls, no music playing in the background, no magazines on the table or chairs, no plants or other homey items. A two-drawer filing cabinet sits locked beneath the desk. The only color here at all is Angela's clothing, but even that is subtle in color, a drab light purple pants suit. The entire place appears to be able to be cleared within minutes of all traces that any business was ever here. Anyone who walked into this office without knowing what goes on here would think that there was nothing of interest happening. To anyone who does know what goes on here, the office screams of blessed secrecy.

I know that my time coming here is coming to a close. I had been coming to see Isa for several months now and I was close to my goal. Isa sees this as well. I take a seat in one of the metal chairs and smile as I pulled out the picture of my girlfriend Jessica that I keep with me. Jessica is so lovely, she shares all of the same values as I and I could not imagine a better person to spend my life with. I want to propose to her, I want to take my late mother's ring and place it on her lovely finger, but I am not worthy of her. Not yet.

I began coming to see Isa because I could not stop the feelings of abject lust I had for Jessica. We had both taken a vow of celibacy through our church's youth group and she was adamant that we maintain that until we are properly wed before God. She deserves that, she deserves everything, but things were not as easy for me.

My cousin Eric came to visit about six months back and I learned evil things from him. Things I would give anything to unlearn. He smoked drugs, drank alcohol, and cursed all of the time. He never went to church with us, just stayed in the basement watching videos all day and all night. I did my best to stay away from him; I did not want to be around such madness.

One night my father asked me to go and tell Eric that it was time for dinner. I called him from the top of the stairs but he did not answer me. I walked halfway down the stairs and called again, but still I received no answer. I decided to see if maybe he was sleeping so I descended the remaining stairs. The basement has a main area and a den, where we kept the television, the rooms separated by a wall and a door. As I neared the door I heard yelling and screams, it sounded like someone was in pain. I did not remember Eric inviting a friend over. I listened for a moment and heard muffled voices, cursing and groaning. Fearing someone was hurt, I took a deep breath and opened the door.

There on the television was a naked woman bouncing up and down on a naked man, her head thrown back as she gyrated above the moaning man. The man raised his hands to her breasts and grabbed them roughly. I wanted to turn away in horror, but I couldn't take my eyes off of the scene in front of me. I knew from my school classes what they were doing, but I was in shock that anyone would allow themselves to be filmed like this.

Suddenly the man tore the woman off of him and thrust his genitalia into her face. She engulfed the man's penis into her mouth and began to move up and down. The man grabbed the woman roughly by the hair and thrust up violently into her mouth.

"See something you like little cousin?" Eric asked me. I was immediately pulled out of my shocked trance and spun to face him.

"How can you watch this vileness? I can't believe you brought this type of thing into my parent's house!" I was upset that he had done so, but I was also embarrassed at being caught watching it.

Eric just chuckled. "It may be vile, but it got you excited." He must have seen the question in my eyes because he nodded toward my pants. I looked down and nearly had a panic attack. There, for all the world to see, was my own penis, engorged with blood and straining against my zipper, making a tent formation in my slacks. I had not even noticed it happening. I had woken up from sleep with this problem before but it usually went away after I urinated. But I had no desire to urinate now.

"Oh no! How do I fix this, I can't go upstairs to dinner like this!"

"Calm down," Eric laughed. "Just think of something calming to take your mind off of it."

I wish I would have known then what I know now. Then maybe I could have thought of something like puppies or my mother. Instead I thought of the most calming thing I knew of, Jessica's smile. But the image uncontrollably morphed with what I had seen on the television. Accompanied by the sounds still emanating from the speakers, I could not erase the image of Jessica's mouth on my most intimate part. I wanted to claw the image out of my brain but it refused to go away, and it made my erection all the more prominent.

Eric found the entire situation amusing as he slapped me on the back and pushed me toward the couch. Sitting down he restarted the video and forwarded it to a point where the man was penetrating the woman. And there Eric taught me to masturbate. He told me that it was the only true way to rid myself of my erection.

I felt so dirty and ashamed as I moved my hand up and down my penis. Eric said that I must do it in front of him so that he could make sure I was doing it right. My mind replaced the face of the woman on the screen with my lovely Jessica and it was not long before my penis spilled semen all over my hands. Once the flow of semen stopped, the tears began. I had degraded my beautiful girlfriend, used her image for self-pleasure, even though I felt I had no choice.

Eric tossed me a box of tissues and told me to clean up and wash my hands before I came up for dinner. Then he left me alone with my tears. I cleaned up but found my appetite was gone, I told my father that I was not feeling well and headed off to bed where I cried myself to sleep.

A few days later, I awoke from a nap and discovered that I once again had an erection. I got up to urinate but it did not fix the problem this time. Suddenly my dream came back to me. I had dreamed that I was suckling Jessica's breasts, and that she was running her hands up and down my penis. I was at a loss of what to do when my father knocked on my bedroom door telling me that we were leaving for school soon. Knowing that I would see Jessica there made things even worse, so as before, I undid my slacks and took my penis into my hands.

I cried as I reached my orgasm. Even though Eric had left, I still felt that he now had power over me. He knew my dirty secret and I felt myself fearing what he might say to my family, or even worse, that he would find Jessica and tell her what I had done. It was as if he was still there, watching me do this horrible thing.

When I finished, I stepped into the shower and scrubbed until my skin felt raw, and when I got to school that day I was very distant toward Jessica. I could see the hurt in her eyes so I told her that I thought I was coming down with the flu. It pained me even more to lie to her. I knew that one day I wanted to ask her to be my wife, but now that seemed impossible.

My name is Michael and I covet my girlfriend in terrible ways.

I began coming to Isa to help relieve the guilt. I was hesitant to her methods at first, but they seem to have worked well. I masturbate to thoughts of Jessica and as I near orgasm, she whips me hard. After a few weeks of this, I realized that whenever my mind brought up images of Jessica in a disrespectful manner, all I had to do was to remember the pain of the whip and the thoughts disappeared.

Angela, Isa's assistant tells me that the goal is for me to be able to control my body s reactions to her when I want to. To allow my body to yearn for her only when I wish it. I have been successful in ridding myself of erections for the past month. I am getting closer to being worthy of Jessica's love and affection.

I am pulled out of my thoughts as Isa's door opens and she motions for me to follow. Her dark veil hangs securely over her face and her purple pants and long sleeve shirt are only slightly brighter than Angela's. I enter the room and close the door behind me. I remove my clothing, sit in the chair Isa has placed in the center of the room and, prepare for my treatment.

**A/N: Review for a teaser!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/M: Thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing. If your not already reading the works of ZenOne and Mesmerize me, you are seriously missing out!**

**Stephanie Meyer owns the characters, I own the plot.**

-Edward-

It has been a week now. A week since I moved to this city, started my new job, and tried to move on with my life. Of course, how can one really do that when they are less than three hours from the scene of the most traumatic event of their life? Not very well.

I want to leave it all behind, I want the nightmares to stop and I want to feel like a normal human being. I want to be able to hold my head up high like I used to, walk up to a pretty girl, say hello and have a good time, but I have nothing to offer anyone, other than maybe a nice face and body to look at.

I can't even perform for a woman. I try every once in a while. I find where the local 'professional' women are and take a drive, browsing the wares. The women I take are always blondes, always tall, always fake breasts. I learned my lesson the first time when I picked out a petite brunette with medium breasts and long wavy hair. She looked so innocent and immediately reminded me of my Bella, but when I got her to the motel room and began kissing her I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my eyes. I spent the two hours I had purchased crying in a corner of the room, rocking back and forth. The woman didn't stay very long after I started crying, she just took her money and left.

So now I choose women the furthest from my beautiful Bella, but they do nothing for me. I try to get hard, and sometimes I do, for a little while, but I can never reach orgasm. The evenings end with the women looking at me with pity in their eyes as they walk out the door, money in hand.

I've thought about trying here, in this new city, but the emptiness it too near, too real. I'm beginning to accept this as part of my atonement for not being able to save my friends, my Bella.

I found a very nice sandwich shop down the street from my work. I find myself looking forward to trying a different sandwich everyday at lunch. Today I will order a deep-fried Reuben sandwich with cranberry sauce. I work in data entry; mindless work for a mindless man. It gets me through the better part of the day without too much interaction with others. I keep to myself, and they keep to their selves. I find some solace that today is Friday and once work is over, I will not need to interact with anyone for two whole days.

As I enter the sandwich shop for lunch, I notice a woman sitting at the back table reading a book. Her hair is hanging down, creating a shield from all around her. The dining area is not very large and there is very little in the way of privacy, but she is taking up all there is to offer. As I look closer, I realize that she is the woman I spilled my coffee on a few days ago. Resolved to make it up to her, and maybe do at least one good thing, I decide the least I can do is buy her lunch. As she already has a sandwich in front of her, I purchase her a $10 gift certificate when I order my sandwich.

I sit down at the table next to the woman and slowly slide the gift certificate onto her table below her book. She lifts her head a little and stares at my offering for a long moment. I convince myself that I do not need to know more than that she has taken my gift. When she speaks, her voice is so soft I can barely hear it.

"Why?"

"I wanted to buy you lunch." This seemed like the best approach considering how she reacted to me the last time we met. Maybe she has forgotten about that encounter, or does not realize that I am the same person.

"Why?" she asks again.

"I wanted to do something nice."

"For the poor, little, lonely girl?" There is a slight undertone of rage in her voice. I guess it is no surprise, my gift probably seems like a hand out to her.

"For someone who looked like they could use a friend."

"For the poor, little, lonely girl," she repeats almost to herself. Her voice sounding broken under her accusing words. "Maybe I'm the one who could use a friend," I tell her. "Maybe I did that so that I could make a friend." She turns slightly toward me, her hair still hiding her face.

"You don't want a friend like me. I come with a lot of baggage."

I suppress a chuckle. "So do I. Maybe we are kindred spirits in that way."

She stands from her seat and begins collecting her belongings. "Spare me the sentimental bullshit."

I reach out for her, stopping when I see her flinch at my nearing hand. "Please don't go. I'm not very good at this. I never really try to make friends."

She stops her movements, making her decision for a moment before taking her seat once again.

"My name is Isabella." My breath catches in my throat and I soak up the pain that name brings to me.

"My name is Edward." I begin. "I knew an Isabella once, a long time ago. She went by Bella though."

"Funny, I used to know an Edward." Her shoulders shake twice in silent, mirthless laughter. "But that was a long time ago."

We sit in silence for several more minutes, each of us picking at our meals.

"What happened to your Bella?" She asks me suddenly. I straighten in my chair preparing to tell my story. I don't usually tell anyone about my past, but something about this woman draws me in; maybe that we each share an obvious terrible event on our past, maybe that we are both alone, maybe that her name is Bella.

"We were in love, as much as one can be in high school. She was my everything, to this day there is nothing I would not do if she asked me." I hold back the tears already threatening to fall. "We were at a party, I left to go get marshmallows of all things, and when I got back..." I pause finding the words and the strength to finish that sentence. "There was a fire. I didn't get her out in time."

"Did she die?"

"No. She lived, but she was covered in burns. None of our other friends made it. I visited her as much as I could in the hospital, until my parents moved me away, trying to help me move on. When she was finally released from the hospital she refused to return my phone calls or letters." I take a deep breath letting the memories of that painful rejection run through my mind. "She didn't die that night, but my place in her heart surely did. I wasn't there to save her."

"Maybe she felt you would not want her after you saw her scars, or that you would stay out of obligation or guilt." I steal a glance at Isabella, her hair still hiding her face from me. I never thought about things that way before. I hang my head as I realize that not only did I not get my Bella out in time, but there was a very real possibility that she rejected me because she thought I would reject her. I could never reject my Bella.

Finally, I find my voice. "It has never mattered what she looks like. Just to be near her, to be near her soul would be my greatest salvation. I would gladly give up every bit of my current existence just for the chance to be near her again, to be given the chance to beg for her forgiveness."

I jump slightly as Isabella places her hand over mine, her long sleeve covering slightly past her wrist. "Wherever she is Edward, I am sure she doesn't blame you. If it was me I would not blame you for something you had no control over."

I take a deep breath, wishing that her words could be true. "Even if she were to forgive me, I could never forgive myself."

Isabella drops her arm at my words and I watch as her hands create a tight fist. Her newly formed anger flows from her. "And that, Edward, is why you will never be able to find happiness. Your guilt surrounds you, making it impossible for anything else to reach you."

Isabella stands and gathers her belongings, this time I do not stop her. "I have to go Edward, maybe I'll see you around."

A small smile graces my face as I notice the gift certificate with her things as she walks out of the shop, maybe I haven't lost her as a friend. Maybe next time I'll ask about her Edward.

My appetite completely gone, I wrap up my sandwich for dinner and head back to work. The rest of the day, I cannot help but replay Isabella's words over and over in my mind. When I go home, I find my Bella in the forefront of my mind, counting my lashes and shedding silent tears.

-Isabella-

I knew that someday I would meet Edward again. It has been years, but I would know him anywhere. I knew it was him when he spilled his coffee on me, I knew it was him when he sat down next to me at the sandwich shop. Before this week I would have never come here to just sit and eat, but when I noticed Edward coming in here each day for lunch, I could no longer stay away. His soul called out to me, I had to see him.

I can't bring myself to show him my face, or to look at his. I don't want to see the look of pity in his eyes, or worse, the guilt that I know will be there. I want to remember his face as it was, smiling and carefree, seeing with my eyes what he has become now will destroy me.

I was telling him the truth about why I did not answer his attempts to contact me. I wanted him to live a long, happy and successful life; things he could never have if he had stayed with me. I guess neither of us is destined for that kind of life.

Maybe Isa could help him, maybe then I could show him who I really am. Maybe then, we can both leave the past behind us. Maybe he can still have a chance at a happy life.

**A/N: Wow, who is more troubled? Isabella or Edward? Leave me your thoughts! Reviews get a teaser!**

**If you get a moment check out the 100 pictures one-shot contast entries. They are simply amazing and well worth the read. www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2446549/Fanficaholics_Anon**

**I'm on Face Book! - Saren Kol.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry this one is a little late in the day, my Girl Scouts kidnapped me and took me to Seaworld for the day. **

**Stephanie Meyer owns them all.**

-Edward-

Weekends are bittersweet. On one hand I don't need to interact with anyone, I don't have to pretend that I have my life together. I can stay in bed all day and no one will bother me. Of course, where there is a good side, there is also a bad. With no one around and nothing to do, time passes very slowly.

I try to sleep in as long as I can, but once I have woken up, it's impossible to close my eyes without the nightmares returning. I climb out of bed and open the window, this apartment gets stuffy very quickly and the fresh air helps to calm me. I look around my bedroom and see clothing strewn everywhere. Boxes lay open, furniture is half assembled, I'm actually surprised to find that at some point in the past week I have made the bed. I decide to unpack, I am sure that I can get at least a day's distraction out of it.

I finish the bedroom and begin to work on the kitchen when I hear the mail being dropped through the slot in my door. I walk toward the front door and cock my head in confusion at the lone envelope on the floor. I carefully make my way toward the letter and pluck it from its place on the ground. The envelope has my name in elegant scrawl on the front and no other markings. I gently slide my fingers through the dried glue holding the flap down and open the envelope. Inside is a letter written in the same writing as the envelope.

_Mr. Cullen,_

_My name is Isa, and it has come to my attention that you may be in need of my services. Do not try to discover who has recommended you to me as I have a strict policy of confidentiality with all of my clients. Just know that the recommendation was made with the fullest intent to offer you what you need. I promise you that this is not a joke, nor sexual in any manner. This is not an advertisement, but an exclusive offer of my services. I will not go into details in this medium, but instead request that you meet with my assistant and me to determine if I can be of assistance to you. I have taken the liberty of setting up an appointment this evening at 7 pm. I do charge for my work, but I have never had an unsatisfied client with either price or results. I understand your pain and I offer you an alternative to your guilt. I beg of you to consider my offer._

_I await your decision,_

_Isa_

Inside the envelope is a hand written coupon for one free session and a business card, the address is in the building next to where I work.

There is a part of me that is irate that anyone would do this. Who knew enough about me to suggest this and knew my address? I had told my story to Isabella, but she did not know where I lived. My parents are the only other ones that came to mind. I want to call them and ask them why they had done this, but I know that if they did, it was only with the best of intentions.

Making up my mind, I decide to keep this appointment with the mysterious Isa. It's not like I have anything better to do and if it ends up being something that makes me uncomfortable, I can always leave.

At 6:30, I grab my jacket and head off to see Isa. I don't have to turn around to see that my friends are following me, they always follow me. Ever since talking to Isabella at the sandwich shop, my Bella has started to be with me as well. She does not follow me, but floats in the air before me, not allowing me to ignore her. Everywhere I look, she is there.

'Where are you going Edward?' my Bella asks me. 'Do you think that someone can magically take away what happened?' Her voice is equally annoyed and hopeful.

"I don't know what I think," I tell her.

'Then why are you doing this?'

I take a deep breath before I answer her, "Because I don't want to be crazy."

My Bella doesn't have any more to say as she moves to walk beside me.

I arrive at the address on the card with ten minutes to spare. The door is unmarked, nothing to tell me that I have indeed made it to my destination. I stare at the door trying to decide if this is a joke or something real. Suddenly I feel like Neo when he is forced to decide to take the red pill or the blue pill. I close my eyes and take a deep breath to slow my pounding heart and open the door.

The reception area looks like it can be moved in a matter of minutes. There is no personality here, nothing to give away anything about the purpose behind this office. A young dark haired woman sits behind a very modern, yet cold desk typing away at a laptop. It is only a moment before she notices me, her face lights up and she greets me warmly.

"Good evening, Mr. Cullen. My name is Angela. I assume you are here for your appointment?"

Her voice is soothing and it takes a moment for me to find my voice.

"Yes, I guess I am, although I am not sure what this is all about."

Angela smiles and nods her head. "I am sure you have many questions, Mr. Cullen." She reaches down to a small filing cabinet, pulls out a folder and hands it to me along with a pen. "You will need to complete these forms before Isa will see you. Please begin and I will let her know that you are here." Angela stands and walks through the only other door in the office. I take a seat and open the folder.

Inside are consent and non-disclosure forms as well as a questionnaire. I decide to answer the questionnaire first.

1. Full Name: _Edward Anthony Cullen_

2. Age: _24_

3. Are both parents living? If the answer is no, please indicate which one is deceased and how. _Yes_

4. Are you an only child? If not, how many siblings do you have? _Yes_

5. Do you have any medical limitations? _No_

6. Please describe in detail your current living, financial, romantic and emotional well being. _I moved here a little over a week ago and rent an apartment. I have a decent job that I do well in and make enough money to survive and put some away in savings. I have not had a romantic relationship since high school. I have been told by my therapist back home that I am depressed._

After completing the questionnaire, I move to read and sign the other forms. There is a standard non-disclosure form that, without going into details of the business itself, states that I will not speak to anyone about what happens here, and in return, no one will ever know that I am treated here.

The word treatment is used several times and I begin to worry. Is this some form of shock therapy? Will they do medical experiments on me? I take several deep breaths to stop the impending panic attack. I decide not to sign the non-disclosure agreement until I have been able to ask some questions.

Lastly, I look at the consent form. It asks me to give my consent to allow Isa full control of how my treatments are handled. It also states that I have the right to terminate this agreement at any time. The thought of giving total control over to someone else scares me a little, but the thought that I may stop this at any time is very welcoming.

Angela opens the door and asks if I am ready. I take another deep breath and nod my head. She beckons me to follow her and I place the forms back in the folder and bring them with me.

Stepping into the other room, I am greeted with dimmed lights. There are several chairs near the wall, and a large backless sofa in the center of the room, but the one thing that grabs my attention is the woman standing in front of me. She is dressed from wrist to toe in soft blue. On her feet are simple black shoes matching the simple black veil draped over her face. The only skin I can see is on her hands.

I move to offer my hand and introduce myself but Angela steps in front of me, blocking my path.

"Isa does not like to be touched. You may speak to her, but she will not speak back to you." I nod my head in understanding and ask her to continue. I hand her my folder when she asks and can tell when she has noticed that I did not sign the two forms.

"I am sure you have questions you would like to ask before we begin, but I must ask you to sign these. They are in no way an agreement to services, but are for your and our safety." She hands me the forms back and I sign them willingly. Angela takes them back from me and we are all silent for a moment as Isa reads over my questionnaire.

When she is finished she turns to Angela who then turns to me and tells me that I may ask any questions that I may have.

"What exactly is a treatment?" I ask.

"Treatment can be any number of things, depending on what the individual needs." Angela explains. "Some are spanked, some are put through a behavioral conditioning treatment. The main similarity in these treatments is that the individual is put through a punishment. That punishment is up to Isa, but she will make sure that it is fair. You will go through this punishment until you feel you have reached atonement."

"How long does that take?"

"That depends on you. Clients have taken anywhere from a month to a year to finally feel that they have repaid their debt."

"Are all of your clients guilty of something?"

"They believe they are."

"What if they never feel that their debt can be repaid?"

"Isa will make sure that never happens."

"So will she spank me?"

"That depends on what your guilt is from."

And then she asks the question that will take me down the rabbit hole.

"Edward, will you please tell us about the event that sparked your guilt?"

I decide to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

"When I was in high school, my friends and I had a party. I left to go the store and when I returned the house was on fire and my friends were burned alive. I managed to pull my girlfriend out but she was covered in burns and refused to see me when she was released from the hospital. I shouldn't have left them; I can't get the idea out of my head that if I was there that I could have done something." I could feel tears running down my face. "She asked to go with me and I told her to stay there with her friends. I left her there to be burned." I put my hands on my knees as I finished my tale the guilt too heavy to stand beneath.

Once I recover, I stand and wait for their decision. My eyes are swollen from my tears and my head aches with the memories.

Isa turns to Angela and nods her head before leaving through a little door in the back hidden behind a gauzy cloth. When she is gone, Angela turns back to me.

"Isa thinks she can help you and would like to see you once a week. Please follow me and I'll get your appointments and payment set up."

I follow her back into the reception area wondering what I have gotten myself into.

**A/N: So he has now met Isa. Hmmmm, how many girls are out there with similar names? **

**So I am only getting like 4-5 reviews a chapter and that you sooo much to all of those that do! I know that I have waaaay more that 4-5 people reading this. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks about this story.**

**Review = Teaser!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Okay so this chapter is a little shorter, but there is a lot going on here. **

**Thanks as always to Mesmerize me for being a totally awessome beta!**

**Stephanie Meyer owns it all!**

-Edward-

Albert Einstein said, "When you are courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder, a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

I am not courting anyone, but the thought that Isabella may be at the sandwich shop again today makes my morning go by that much faster. She is the closest thing I have had to a friend in years. Some have tried to be friends with me, but I never felt the desire to return the sentiment.

I don't know why I crave seeing her. Maybe it gives me hope that one day I may be able to live again. Maybe I need the pain that comes with hearing that name again. Maybe because she hasn't run away from me.

I tell myself that it was probably a one-time occurrence and that she will most likely not even be there for lunch, but I can't help the once dormant butterflies from swarming in my stomach.

As lunch time appears I finish up the project I have been working on, grab my jacket and head out the door.

"Mr. Cullen?"

I turn to see my boss walking towards me, trying to catch me before I leave. He is a short little man with a protruding stomach and the few hairs he has remaining, combed over from a spot just above his right ear, making it seem as though a spider has nested on his head.

"Yes, Mr. Grimsley?"

"It seems that several workers called in sick today, something about a stomach virus going around. They all sounded quite ill."

I sigh inwardly, I know who had called in sick, and I also know that they had all planned on going partying last night. When you are as invisible as I am, people sometimes just forget you are there and speak as though you are not. I choose not to say anything, however and let Mr. Grimsley continue.

"So I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping with their projects today? We are in desperate need to complete them."

Of course, this means that I will need to stay late doing their work. I know he has come to ask me because I have no family, not even a cat, to go home to.

"Not a problem, Mr. Grimsley. I'm off to lunch now."

He looks as though he wants to invite himself to join me, but thinks better of it. I would not make good company for him anyway, and I want to see if Isabella is there.

As I enter the shop, I am delighted to see that Isabella is indeed there, sitting in the back with her hair down around her face, reading a book. It does not escape my notice that her glass of lemonade is almost empty. Does this mean she will leave soon? I wonder how long she has been sitting there, was she waiting for me? I erase that thought as quickly as it comes, I am not even sure we are friends yet, there is no way she is waiting for me. And yet, I was tormenting myself wondering if she would be here.

I purchase my sandwich and decide to buy two glasses of lemonade, one for me and one for Isabella. My sandwich today is a Down-to-Earth, full of vegetables and avocado instead of meat. I am not sure if I will like it, but I am determined to get through the entire menu before I decide on my favorites.

I collect my meal and go to sit at the table next to Isabella. I would like to sit with her, but I am not sure that we are good enough friends to do that yet. I silently place the drink next to Isabella's near empty one.

"Why do you feel the need to keep buying me things, Edward?" She asks without even lifting her head from her book. I am delighted that she remembers my name.

"I guess I wanted to give you a reason to stay." I find it easy to be truthful with Isabella. She does not respond, but instead takes a sip of the new drink.

I take a bite of my sandwich and find that it is surprisingly tasty. I never knew that vegetables could taste so good. I take a drink from my glass and prepare myself for the question that has been on my mind.

"Will you tell me about your Edward?" She sets her book down before her and lets out a small sigh.

"I don't think I am ready for that yet, Edward. Tell me more about you. What has happened in your life since you were separated from your Bella?"

I am disappointed that she does not want to share her story, but she said yet, so maybe someday she will share it with me.

"After my family moved to Chicago I tried completing High School, but it was difficult starting over again, and I was afraid to make new friends. I ended up taking my G.E.D and graduating early. My parents encouraged me to attend college. It had always been my dream to go into medicine. My father is a doctor and I always loved spending time with him at the hospital. I even had my first job there as a floor assistant. The pay was lousy and the hours could be rough, but I enjoyed it."

I pause as I prepare myself for the next part of my story.

"As much as I loved the idea of being a doctor, it was not enough. I couldn't get the thoughts of that night out of my head enough to study. Medicine is a difficult career field, and you must give your studies your full attention in order to pass, but my attention was still back at home, still in that fire. Eventually I began failing my classes, and not even my father could help me enough to fix the situation. I dropped my classes and moved back home. After going in and out of jobs for several years, I decided that I could not be a burden on my family any longer and moved out here."

I look toward Isabella, tears forming in my eyes. I feel like such a failure, even more so as the details of my past are given a voice.

"You should try again, Edward." She says so softly I am not quite sure I hear her. Her voice become slightly louder as she continues.

"You should take night classes, maybe if you focus on only one class at a time, it will be easier for you." I shake my head and am about to protest this when she speaks again.

"You should do it for your Bella, and for your friends. You couldn't save them, but you could save others in their place. It would be a way to honor them."

Once again, Isabella brings a new idea that I had not thought of. I am lost in thought when Isabella begins to collect her things. As she stands, she places a hand on my shoulder.

"Think about it, Edward."

"I will Isabella, thank you." And with that she departs from the sandwich shop. I finish my meal and head back to my office.

By the time I get home, it is late and I am exhausted from all of the extra work I had put in. I fire up my laptop and look for on-line or night classes for a medical degree. It seems that there are several colleges in the area that offer evening and weekend classes for first and second year medical school. I write down the information and resolve to call them in the morning.

I can feel my Bella looking over my shoulder, a smile gracing her face. Barely able to keep my eyes open, I pull off my work clothes and crawl into my bed. Something in the back of my mind is screaming that I am forgetting to do something, but I am too tired to think about what it could be.

-Isabella-

I am not surprised that he asked me about my Edward. If he was anyone else, I may have told him; but he is not ready to hear that story, not yet.

I knew that he would come to the sandwich shop again today, it has become routine for him, and if I'm being honest with myself, a highlight for me. I sneak glances at him when he is not looking; he looked so handsome today when he was buying his lunch.

My heart beat a little faster when he told me his reason for buying me another drink. I knew it was silly, there was no way that he was ready to let anyone in enough for anything past a loose friendship, and neither was I, even if it was Edward.

When he told me about not being able to finish college my heart dropped. I had never known Edward to give any answer other than doctor when he was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. It was how he got me to go out with him for the first time, feigning doing poorly in health class so that I would tutor him. Of course, being Edward, there was not a book in sight that night, but we sure did study chapter five.

I know that Isa can help him let go of his past, but I think he needs a friend also, to get him to move forward. I am sure that in a few months, he will move on and forget all about the shy woman in the sandwich shop, but until then I am glad to have him in my life at all.

**A/N: As always, reviews get a teaser. Next week is Edward's first time at Isa's.**

**If your looking for some great stories, go check out the 100 pictures competition entries at www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2446549/Fanficaholics_Anon, remove the dots of course.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Well here it is folks, Edward's first time at Isa's. As always, major props to my beta Mesmerizeme!**

**Staphanie Meyer owns it all, but I'd like to take credit for totally screwing them up!**

-Isa-

Part of me knew this day would come; I think that part of me craved it. The day when Edward would come to me for help and I would have to make him relive what happened. Make him face it, but that is the only way to save him. Normally I tell my clients to not be alone for the next 24 to 48 hours, especially after the first session, they will need the support. I wonder if Edward has anyone to stay with him.

Before I realize what I am doing, I pull out my phone and look for Esme's phone number. I may not have kept in contact with Edward, but I did talk to his mother every once in a while. I had made her promise that she would not tell him that she had spoken to me, or where I am. I wanted him to move on; but seeing Edward as he is, I know that he needs support. He will be here in a couple of hours, it is now or never. Taking a deep breath, I dial her number.

"Hello?" Esme's voice alone can make anyone feel at ease.

"Hello, Esme."

"Bushtit!" Since Esme could not call me by my name, for fear of anyone else knowing that she was talking to me, she took to calling me the species of bird that she had as a child. I thought it fitting since it is a common plain brown bird that is often lumped with other birds. Apparently her husband Carlisle thought the name was hilarious because I could always hear him snort whenever she said it. "To what do I owe the honor of your call?"

"I am not at liberty to tell you why, but Edward needs you right now. He needs someone to keep an eye on him for a few days; I was hoping you could come down."

She gasped quietly into the phone. "You've seen him then?"

"Yes, but he doesn't know that it's me. And I would like to keep it that way."

"Sweetheart, I hate that you re hurting yourself trying to help him. He's hurting and I know you could be the one to help him." If only she knew.

"Maybe, but for right now I think he needs his mother."

"Okay dear, I'll come down. Can I see you while I am there?"

"I'm not sure that is a wise decision right now. But who knows, you and Edward just might run into me."

"Alright Bushtit, I'm booking the next flight right now. I have to go because it leaves in about an hour and I still have to explain to Carlisle why I am flying over there so suddenly."

"Goodbye Esme."

-Edward-

If I were to say that I am not nervous as I walk into my first appointment with Isa, I would be lying. Since my mother taught me to never lie, I will admit that right now I am extremely nervous. I keep reminding myself that I can leave at any time as I sit in the cold metal chair in Isa's waiting room. Angela sits typing away at her laptop and does not even lift her head to acknowledge that I have arrived.

I glance at my watch several times, counting down the minutes until my appointment. I cannot decide if time is moving too slow or too fast.

Finally, Isa opens her door and motions for me to enter. She is in a burnt orange color today; the color looks strange against the pale skin of her hands. I follow Isa into the 'treatment room' trying to keep my breathing under control.

The first thing I notice is the heat. It has been warm lately outside, but this was bordering on sweltering. Is this something she usually did for her clients? Should I tell her that the heat is uncomfortable? I decide against it. Isa is supposed to be the expert here so I will follow her lead.

Before me is a table, next to it are several rolls of what appear to be thick electrical tape. Isa motions that I should remove my clothing. Not wanting to presume too much, I strip down everything but my boxers. Isa does not indicate that I should go further as she picks up the tape and a pair of scissors.

She begins to apply the tape to my legs, one at time, covering them from hip to heel. I discover that the tape is not sticky, but is similar to latex and seems to stick very well to itself but nothing else. When she finishes with my legs, she continues over my buttocks and my torso, finishing with my arms and neck. Before long, I am covered in the tape from wrist to ankle.

She directs me to lay face down on the table and once I am settled, I feel the table move under me. The front of the table rises while the back lowers. When it stops, I figure that I am at about a 65-degree angle. I briefly wonder if everyone is 'treated' this way.

It does not take long for my body temperature to rise considerably under the heat and tape. It alarms me slightly that the tape is trapping the heat to my body, and the heat is becoming almost painful against my skin. I wiggle a little, trying to get some sort of air onto my skin, anything to relieve this inferno.

I am so focused on the heat that the first whip across my back takes me by surprise. The pain is tremendous, and only intensifies the pain from the trapped heat. It's like nothing I have ever felt before, it is as though I am being burned alive.

Burned...

Alive...

Is this how they felt? Is this the pain they went through?

"Treatment can be any number of things, depending on what the individual needs." The memory of Angela's voice rings through my ears. So this is MY treatment, to recreate the feeling of being burned alive. It is so much more that I ever dreamed, so much worse, and this was just a recreation.

I am transported back to that night, that house, the fire.

I can feel it lick and bite at me as I try to find someone alive, anyone. I cry out for my Bella, it hurts my heart that I cannot see her. I know she is in pain and my only thought is to save her, no matter the cost. The smoke clears for a moment and I see her, blackened and burned. I grab for her and pull with all of my might. I cannot pull fast enough and the flames dance and laugh all around us, taunting me for my sorry attempt at a rescue. The closer I get to the front door the further it seems to be. It keeps moving away, and Bella gets heavier and heavier as I drag her along. I look to see the others pulling at her ankles, trying to take her with them into the unknown. I pull and pull, determined to get her away from this hell. Finally, I get her outside and move to cradle her body. She opens her eyes and looks at me, but her eyes are pale and lifeless. I lift my hand to caress her cheek and she turns to ash in my arms.

Suddenly a second whip lands across the back of my thighs making me cry out in agony. I cannot hold back the tears as they fall from my eyes. Before me, I see the friends I could not save, their charred bodies mocking me, telling me that I should have died with them. Before them, I see my Bella, sobbing freely as she watches the whip come down on me again. The heat is unforgiving and the licks from the whip are maddening.

Four more times the whip lands on me and then no more. I am a sobbing mess as I feel Isa pulling me into her arms, slowly cutting off the tape and pulling it away from my body. She gently rubs my back, careful of the marks from the whip and rocks me back and forth. I cry hard into her chest, grabbing on to her shirt for dear life. The emotional pain is unbearable and my whole body wrecks with my agony. Every muscle in my body aches, my head hurts and I am utterly exhausted.

I wake up a short time later on the couch in Isa's treatment room. I must have passed out from my crying. I look around and find my clothes folded neatly on a nearby chair, but Isa is nowhere to be found. I dress quickly, surprised to find some sort of salve worked into where the whip hit me, numbing any lingering pain.

As I walk out into the waiting area, I see Angela packing up her things, preparing to head home. How long was I asleep? I look at my watch and am surprised to see that it has been over four hours since I had arrived.

"Mr. Cullen. I am glad to see you are up; I was going to wake you in a moment. How are you feeling?"

It took a moment to find my voice and when I did it was rough and raw.

"I'm not really sure."

"Many people feel that way after the first time. It will get better, Mr. Cullen."

I nod my head in response as I make my way to the door to leave.

"I'll see you next week, Angela."

I walk out into the cool night air; my mind feels numb to everything around it. All the people around me are hurrying past to get to their destinations, hurrying to get home to their loved ones. I really do not want to be alone; I find my chest aching at the thought and it takes all I have to not collapse in grief right there on the sidewalk.

I force my body to move, and without even noticing, I find myself in front of my building. Even though I slept, I am still exhausted from everything. My body covets a hot bath and a long sleep; but all thoughts of that are replaced as I see my mother waiting for me at my door. I rush to her and collapse in her arms, tears I do not know I still possess falling freely from my eyes.

**A/N: Bushtit IS a ****real species of bird!**

**A non-stop flight from Chicago to Seattle is about four and a half hours. Isa called Esme two hours before Edward's appointment, so Esme left an hour before his appointment. He was at Isa's a little over four hours and with the walk home it was about six hours between when Esme's plane left Chicago and when Edward found her outside of his apartment. **

**FanFicAholics Anon held an awesome story contest with some great stories, voting begins soon so go over and check them out! www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2446549/Fanficaholics_Anon (replace teh (dot) with a ".")**

**Thanks for reading and remember, reviewers get a teaser!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Okay so this is a long chapter, well for me anyway. So on with the show!**

**Mesmerize me is my amazing beta, the fact that you have words spelled correctly and commas in the right spots is all her doing. ;-)**

**Stephanie Meyer owns it all, including my dear multiplella and sadward. *sad face***

-Esme-

When you return to a place, it is easy to point out how some things change and some things remain the same. The feeling you get when you return to that place, however, that feeling never changes. Returning to Seattle after all of these years felt almost like coming home. It was so close to some of my happiest and saddest times.

When Bella called and asked me to stay with Edward for a while, I knew things had gotten bad. We'd kept in contact over the years, and other than asking that I not tell Edward anything, neither of us have ever mentioned him. Therefore, when I received her call, I knew that I had no choice but to go to my little boy.

As the cab pulls up to the apartment building that Edward now lives in, I gather myself and prepare to be strong for my son. It does not take long to find his apartment and I raise my hand to knock on the door.

Suddenly, I am assaulted by a man throwing his arms around me with such force and conviction that I am too stunned to react. The man begins to pull me down with his weight and I can hear sobs coming from him. It takes me only a second longer to realize that this is my Edward. My beautiful son has been reduced to this blubbering mess before me. I sink down next to him, his grip becoming even tighter around me.

"It's okay sweetie, I'm here." I look around and see that there is beginning to be a bit of an audience in the hallway. "Come on, son, let's get you inside."

Edward wipes his eyes and, composing himself, he reaches for his keys to unlock the door. As soon as we are in, I lead him to the couch. I sit down and pull him down next to me and lay him down so that his head is on my lap. He begins to cry again and I run my hands through his hair and whisper encouragement to him. I hate to see him in this state, but I know that he will talk to me when he is ready.

When Edward finally falls asleep, I scoot out from under him and take a good look around me. I am shocked that only a few boxes have been unpacked. He has been here for over two weeks and he is still living out of boxes. I make my way to the kitchen and begin unpacking and putting things in their proper places.

I work well into the night making this small apartment a home for my boy. I hope that this will help him in a small way. It is almost three in the morning by the time I am finished with everything and I make my way over to Edward's recliner and bunk down for at least a few hours of sleep.

Beep-beep

Beep-beep

Beep-beep

I open my eyes when Edward's alarm wakes me. I stand up and stretch out my sore muscles before going back to his bedroom to turn the alarm off. Walking back into the living room I see Edward still sleeping on the couch. He has thrown the light blanket I had given him on the floor in the night and even while sleeping, his face still appears contorted with pain. I know there is no way I am leaving his side today. I gently nudge Edward's shoulder and he slowly wakes, blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he turns to look at me.

"Good morning," I whisper softly, unsure how he is feeling.

"Morning." His voice is raspy from sleep and crying.

"I'm going to put some coffee on if you want to call your work and tell them you are sick today." Edward simply nods and reaches for the phone.

I start the coffee and begin pulling out eggs, cheese, milk and bacon from the refrigerator to begin making us some breakfast. I have always loved to cook and taught Edward a thing or two when he was growing up. I was happy to see that he had a full spice rack, until I noticed that not one had been opened. My son was sinking even further away and I felt helpless to stop it.

I am stirring the eggs when Edward walks in and sits down. I smile warmly at him but I am not sure that he sees it.

"Mom, not that I am not happy to see you, but why are you here?"

I take a moment to think about my answer. I do not want to tell him more that I am allowed.

"I had a dream that you needed me. It looks like I was right." I felt that leaving it to Mother's intuition would be enough.

"Well, at any rate, I am glad that you are here." Edward pours himself a cup of coffee as he looks around as if noticing everything for the first time. "Did you unpack my stuff?"

"Well it's been two weeks and you were still living out of boxes; I'm sorry if you didn't want me to do that."

"No, it's fine. It's just that now I don't know where anything is." He lets out a small chuckle and for a moment, I see the Edward I know under all of this pain. For the first time since I arrived, I feel hope.

We eat breakfast and I spend the rest of the morning showing Edward where I put all of his things. He seems anxious as we enter the bathroom, but relaxes when he sees that I left his toiletries for him to put away. I know he has always been very picky about where things go in his bathroom.

I was telling him a funny story about his father when I noticed that Edward kept glancing at the time, as if he was afraid of missing something.

"Edward, dear, do you need to be somewhere?"

"It's just that I've kind of made a habit of going to this little sandwich shop for lunch every day."

I could tell he was nervous about it and that there was more than he was willing to tell me. I checked the time and saw that it was indeed lunchtime.

"Then we'd better go if we're going to beat the lunch rush." Edward beamed at me and began rushing around the apartment getting ready to go.

We walked to the sandwich shop and got there in good time. We walked in and almost immediately Edward began searching the small dining area for something. It did not take long for his eyes to fall upon a timid brunette in the back corner reading a book, her hair falling around hiding her face. He seemed to calm down once he had spotted her and we went up to get our sandwiches. Edward ordered a turkey sandwich and I had the roast beef. Once our sandwiches were ready, we grabbed our trays and went to sit near the young woman in the back. As we neared, the woman began collecting her things and began to walk toward us.

"I am sorry Edward, but I have a very important meeting I have to be at. Enjoy your lunch." The woman said as she neared us.

Edward seemed deflated and almost hurt be her words. "I just wanted to introduce you to my mother."

"Hello Mom." I could hear a bit of a smile in the woman's voice, but more than that, I could hear something else, something very familiar.

"It's a pleasure to meet one of Edward's friends." I told her, but I had a strong feeling that we've met before.

"I would love to stay, but I really must go. Goodbye." We watched as the young woman exited the shop and headed down the street. Edward closed his eyes and sighed deeply before claiming the table the young woman had been sitting at. I eyed Edward carefully as he unwrapped his sandwich and began to eat.

"Was she the reason you were so eager to get here Edward?" I suppressed a laugh as Edward blushed.

"Yea, her name is Isabella." He was smiling as he said this but I could tell that he did not miss the look of shock on my face. "We just talk here at the shop, but she's the closest thing I've had to a friend in a long time."

Luckily, Edward mistook my shock as being surprised at hearing the woman's name. I was a little stunned at hearing that, but that was not what had me almost speechless now. I knew that voice, I knew that woman.

"But who knows, you and Edward just might run into me," Bella's words from our conversation yesterday rang clear in my head.

I listened intently as Edward described their interactions. There was a part of me that could not understand how he was not able to recognize her as his Bella from all those years ago. Maybe his mind was refusing to entertain the idea out of self-preservation. Then there was a part that was glad that he did not know who she really was. He was not ready for that yet.

We finish our lunch and walk back to Edward's apartment; it starts to rain on our way and we get inside his building just before it begins to pour down.

-Edward-

When Isabella rushed away, I could not help but feel that it was because I had another woman with me. If Isabella were anything like me, she would have grown to enjoy our little lunches and would be wary of anything that could burst our little social bubble.

I could not let her think that I was there with another woman; well I was, but not one that I was romantically involved with. I quickly introduced her to my mother and she seemed almost amused by it.

When my mother and I sat down she asked about Isabella and I told her what I knew and about our lunches together. She seemed surprised when she heard Isabella's name, but she seemed to get more comfortable as I talked.

I toss away the remains of me and my mother's lunch and we walk back to my apartment; we barely beat the latest rainstorm and I suggest a movie. Settling on one of my mother's favorite movies, The Mouse That Roared, we both laugh at the antics of Peter Sellars and enjoy the small break from reality.

As the credits roll, my mother goes into the other room to call my father and I pull up a list of local restaurants on my laptop, wanting to take my mother somewhere nice to thank her for coming to see me and trying to cheer me up.

A few hours later, we head out the door to the new Japanese restaurant downtown. As we walk in the door, I know that I chose well, my mother loves Japanese food and sometimes I think she loves the decor even more. It is not long before we are shown to our table.

"Oh, Edward this is lovely," my mother says as I pull out her chair for her. The waiter comes over to us quickly and takes our orders, leaving us to talk about little silly things as only mothers and sons can do. I want tonight to be a distraction; I want my mother to leave feeling that things are going to be okay. As she sits across from me laughing I think that it might just happen.

Our food arrives and we dig in; it is absolutely delicious and I am really glad that we chose here. After a while, I notice my mother is staring at something behind me, her light blush tells me that she probably shouldn't be looking, but she is anyway. I turn and see a blond haired man down on one knee holding out a ring to a cute brown haired girl. It is obvious that he is asking her to marry him; she has her hands over her mouth and tears falling down her eyes.

"Yes Mike, of course I will marry you!" The girl practically squeals in delight. The man, Mike, jumps up and pulls her into his arms, nearly lifting her off the ground in his happiness.

"Thank you, Jessica. Thank you. You've made me so happy." They share a deep kiss and sit back down to finish their meal, each of them with huge grins on their faces.

I turn back toward my mother to find that she has returned to her food. I know I should feel somewhat uplifted at seeing that, proof that there is still love in the world, even if it's not for me. However, all I feel is remorse and longing. I place my hand in my suit jacket pocket and take hold of my keys. It does not take long to find what I am looking for and soon I am running my fingers over the diamond solitaire ring attached there. I had mowed extra lawns, done extra things around the house and worked extra hours at the hospital to save up enough money for the small ring. The diamond was barely visible, not even one eighth of a caret, but it was mine to give to the girl of my dreams. I had planned to ask my Bella to marry me. I knew it would be a few years before we could, after college at least, but I wanted the world to know that someday she would be my wife. I never got the chance to ask her though, and even once I realized that my Bella was lost to me forever, I couldn't find it in me to part with it. It was a part of who we were, who I wanted us to be, and I couldn't let go of the dream.

I pay the check and we head back to my apartment. Once again, I find myself sobbing in my mother's lap while she tries to sooth me. I hate feeling so weak in front of her, but I am glad that she is here. I weep for my embarrassment, I weep for my fear, but most of all I weep for the life I wanted so badly but would never have.

**A/N: I wanted to explain a few things for anyone feeling confused. **

**A while back Edward mentioned that he felt that he had forgotten something. With his long day, and researching colleges at Isabella's suggestion, he forgot to flogg himself. It showed a small step in the healing process. **

**Also, the reason Edward was nervous when they entered his bathroom is because this is where he keeps his flogger and he was afraid that his mom had found it when she was putting stuff away. **

**Thanks again for reading and as always, reviews get a teaser!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I'm glad so many of you enjoyed Esme. There were some questions as to why Esme recognized Bella and Edward doesn't, Esme has been talking to Bella off and on whiel Edward has not talked to her for years.**

**I hope everyone is having a great weekend!**

**Without my amazing beta Mesmerizeme, this thing would have waaaay too many spelling errors and not nearly enough commas. Thanks bb!**

-Edward-

I cannot afford to take another day off work, so I kiss my mother on the cheek, as she sits eating a bowl of Lucky Charms, and head out the door. Surprisingly the forecast for the day is sunny, and my mother is planning to spend some time sightseeing. I make sure that she has my work number and knows the areas that are considered unsafe; you can never be too careful.

I check into work and take a seat at my desk; after about an hour working on a new project I realize that many of my co-workers have gathered in the conference room down the hall. Not wanting to miss out on something important, I make my way toward the conference room. I hear yelling and I push my way through the crowd only to see two of my co-workers, James Chase and Victoria Hightail, sitting on the side of the conference table, both in a state of half dress. James' pants and boxers are around his ankles and Victoria's hand is idly running over his still erect penis. I suppress a snort at the sight of how small he is, not that I'm one to look, but if it's out there... of course the fact that he is actually able to have sex makes swallowing my scoffing much easier. Victoria is not any better, her shirt is unbuttoned, her bra is on the floor and her skirt is hiked up so that she is sitting on what appears to be her bare bottom. They were very obviously caught having sex on the conference room table in the middle of the day. From the look on their faces, they are either very drunk or very high; not giving a care in the world as Mr. Grimsley stands there yelling at them. Finally, Mr. Grimsley has had enough and calls security to escort them out of the building, but not before letting them know in no uncertain terms that their positions at the company have been terminated.

After the pair are redressed and removed from the building, Mr. Grimsley approaches me. I groan a little because I know what he is about to ask me; James was a project manager, a damn good one too until he met Victoria and he just went downhill from there. Now that both he and Victoria were gone, someone needed to take on what they left behind. I try to walk away and pretend that I did not see him approaching, but he still catches up to me.

"Mr. Cullen?"

"Yes, Mr. Grimsley."

"I was wondering if I might have a word with you." I nod my head and follow him into his office. It is a nice office, with a professional looking pressed wood desk and a small window that show the brick wall of the next building. At least he gets a breeze I realize almost jealously. I take a seat and wait for him to begin.

"Edward, may I call you Edward?"

He is still flustered from the earlier situation so I give him a small smile and a nod.

"Thank you. Now Edward, as I am sure you are aware, Mr. Chase and Ms. Hightail were working on a very large project. Now that they are gone, I need someone to continue their work. You did such a good job covering for them when the team was sick the other day that I was hoping you'd take the project on as the new lead."

I was only partially surprised as he asked me this. I knew that with my previous experience that I would be asked to help, but to take over the project was something else entirely, especially since I had only been working there for a couple of weeks. I wasn't sure if I had it in me to actually lead a group of people.

"Mr. Grimsley, I am sure that there are more qualified and more senior personnel that could do this job better than I can."

Mr. Grimsley held up his hand to stop me from continuing.

"I'm going to level with you Edward; I have no idea why you are working here. I have seen the work you do; you are far too smart to work in a mindless place like this, but I do not intend to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I'll leave you to your own reasons. However, I do know that out of all the workers we have hired, in the last five years at least, you are the fastest and most efficient. So, it does not matter if someone out there is more qualified or has more tenure with the company, you'll actually get the work done, and that is what I need. I had wanted to give you this opportunity after I saw how much you accomplished when you covered for them before, it was more than the entire team had done in a week, but I had no reason at the time to remove Mr. Chase. Now that he is gone, you are the only person to immediately come to mind."

I wasn't sure what to say, so I kept my mouth shut and said nothing. Mr. Grimsley scowled after a moment and then leaned forward.

"You drive a hard bargain, Edward. I'll tell you what, I'll raise your salary equal to Mr. Chase's. Do we have a deal?"

"What about my current project?"

"I'm sure I can find someone to take that over."

"Then you have a deal, Mr. Grimsley."

We shook hands and I departed his office. Looking at the clock, I was shocked to find it was already time for lunch. I grab my things and head out to the sandwich shoppe.

I order an All That and More albacore sandwich and lemonade. Isabella is sitting at her normal table, but this time I notice that she has left the space in front of the other chair open, almost as if she is waiting for someone. Rather than across from her, the chair is sitting at her side, so whoever sits there will still only see her side profile. My first hope is that she is waiting for me, but I quickly dismiss that thought. I would hate to assume and be wrong, I am not sure I could handle being rejected by my only real friend, if that is what you could call her.

I pay for my food and walk over to sit at the table next to her, just as I do every day. As I approach the tables, Isabella pulls out the other chair in invitation. I quickly glance around to make sure that she indeed means the gesture for me. I take a seat and she moves her head slightly toward me, but still not enough for me to see her face.

"Good afternoon, Edward," she starts.

"Hello Isabella, thank you for sharing your table with me today."

"It was the least I could do after practically running out on you yesterday. You're mother seems nice, I hope she wasn't put off by me."

"Thank you, she's great. And no, she was not put off at all; I told her about our lunches together and she seemed happy that I had made a friend here so quickly."

I hoped that I would not scare her off with that admission. Isabella's earlier comment reminds me of her meeting that she was running off to.

"I hope you made it to your meeting on time yesterday. So what is it that you do Isabella?"

She tenses up for a moment before seemingly forcing herself to relax.

"I'm self employed and I kind of work from home. I don't really go out often because I'm not very comfortable around people."

"I'm kind of the same. I mean I don't work from home, but I'm not really comfortable around people." I felt like an idiot, like I couldn't stop rambling or say anything right with her. "So, if you don't like being around people why do you come here for lunch. It can't be for the food; they deliver."

Isabella tenses again and I can't help but wonder what she is hiding. "M-my family tells me that I need to get out of the apartment at least once a day. So I've made this my 'once a day'." I've never heard Isabella stutter before and it makes me even more curious as to what she is keeping and why. Rather than press, I let it go and decide to move to a different topic.

"What do you do?" Isabella's question catches me a bit off guard and I briefly consider telling her an untruth, but I don't feel like being petty. If Isabella wants to keep things secret then she can, she owes me nothing in the way of explanation.

"I do data entry; I guess that I must be pretty good at it because I've already received a promotion. It's a mindless job but it fills the time" I tell her and wait for her opinion.

"So your guilt not only keeps other out, but traps you in." It was more of a statement than a question and shocked me to my very core. I couldn't understand where the lightning fast change in conversation had come from and frankly it made me a little mad. I refused to judge her for her life and here she was passing judgment on me?

Once again, I wondered if she was the one that had contacted Isa. Without thinking, I lashed out at her.

"So, what's trapping you?" I barely recognized my own venom laced voice.

Isabella's voice was almost seething as she gathered her things and prepared to leave.

"It's not guilt, if that is what you think."

And like a gust of wind from a hurricane, she was gone, leaving me very confused and even more of an emotional wreck. I was terrified that I had ended our friendship by taking offense, but as I had no way to contact her. I would have to wait until the next day at lunch to talk to her again. I swore in my mind that I would find the courage to ask for her number, for emergencies of course.

The rest of the day passed by somewhat fast as I turned over my project to another worker and began learning everything about James' project. Before I noticed, it was time to go home.

I drove my mother to the airport to catch her flight home and she promised to give my father my love. When I walked back into my apartment, I was barely able to keep my eyes open long enough to make it to my bed.

-Isabella-

I knew that Edward could tell I was keeping something from him. Even when we were innocents in the ways of the world, I could never lie to him. I hated hiding the truth from him, but he was nowhere near ready to know that I was his Bella, and especially that I am Isa. Those would come in due time, but not yet.

I don't know why I snapped and judged him like that, I guess Isa was slipping through. Part of the reason Isa never spoke to her clients was because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. Sometimes people found more truth in silence than in a hundred intellectual conversations. But that did not mean that Isa didn't have things to say, and apparently those things could not be contained where Edward was concerned. I just hoped that Isa could contain them when 'treating' Edward.

**A/N: I mean no offense to anyone who does data entry. I just needed a job that Edward could get lost in.**

**I hope you all enjoyed the little James and Victoria scene. I do not plan on them showing up again in the story, Edward has enough crazy shit to deal with.**

**Reviews = Teasers!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thank you all for continuing to read this crazy story. **

**I continue to be total fail in the comma and spelling department, thankfully I have Mesmerizeme to make this story readable! ;-D**

**Stephanie Meyer owns it all, I just like to play around with them.**

-Edward-

Today is my second appointment with Isa.

I'm due to be there in an hour.

I'm not sure I want to go.

I stand in my bathroom, hands on either side of the sink, trying to talk myself into something, but I am not sure yet what that something is. I turn on the faucet spilling cold water into the sink and cupping my hands. I splash my face with the freezing liquid trying to clear my head. I look up to stare myself in the eyes, but all I see are my friends looking back at me in the mirror. Angry orange flames surround them and I watch as their flesh begins to burn and their clothes begin to melt. They do not scream, or even move, but instead look at me with empty eyes, seemingly begging for that cold water which covers my hands and face.

That thought makes my decision for me. I owe it to them, to her, to do this. I push myself away from the sink and walk out to my living room where my laptop still sits open. I have spent most of the evening researching on-line colleges and even applied to one that promises a degree in Nursing in six months. It's not what I really want to do, but it will get me in the right direction. I just hoped that somewhere my friends were happy with what I am trying to do, that wherever my Bella is, that she would be proud of me. I cannot help but hope that Isabella will also be pleased.

I review the degree plan mapped out on the website for a little while longer before I realize that it is time to leave. Grabbing my jacket, I head out the door toward my own personal sadist.

When I arrive at Isa's, Angela is once again typing away at her laptop, this time there is a young man sitting in one of the waiting chairs. He is Native American with long hair and looks like he could bench press a cow and then eat the whole thing for dinner. He watches Angela work with rapt attention and for a moment, I think he may be a suitor or maybe even her boyfriend. That is until she begins to speak.

"Well Mr. Black. As you know tonight was your last session, Isa feels that you are far enough along in the healing process that you no longer need her services." She pulls out a sheet of paper and hands it to him. "This is a new copy of the Non-Disclosure Agreement for you to read over and sign. It is extremely important that Isa retain as much anonymity as possible. I am sure you understand."

Mr. Black nods as he reads the paper and signs his name at the bottom. He passes the paper back to Angela and she stands to give him a farewell handshake.

"Thank you for using our services."

Mr. Black takes her hand and pumps it a few times. "Thank you for...everything."

Without another word, the large man slips past me and into the hallway.

"Hello, Mr. Cullen." Angela greets me. "You're a bit early today."

I can't help but return at least a small smile. "I think I'm even more nervous now that I have an idea what will be happening."

Angela shakes her head slightly. "Isa may still surprise you."

The door to Isa's treatment room opens and Angela motions for me to go inside. The first thing that I notice is that the room is freezing, and not just put on a sweater cold. She must have multiple air conditioning units going to make it this cold.

Isa does not appear to be dressed any differently, but she could easily have thermals on beneath her clothes. She is dressed in an ice blue color today.

Isa points to a basket near the door and I realize that she wants me to remove my clothing. I slowly take off my clothing and am sad to feel the last bits of warmth slide away with the thin layers of cloth. There is no table in the room this time, but there is a stool, surrounded by metallic caged walls and inside the walls are sheets of a white material. I am not sure what it is, but it does not look like it is there to block out the cold.

Isa swings open one of the walls to reveal an opening for me to sit in the chair. I take my seat and she closes me in.

Immediately my body almost seizes up with the cold surrounding me and I shiver so hard that I fear I may fall out of the chair.

Isa brings a deep bowl and ladle to the cage and begins to pour water over the caged walls. As I watch the steam rise, I realize that I am surrounded by dry ice. Instinctively I pull my limbs in to keep them from touching the freezing substance. Very quickly, the room fills up with fog and I can barely see what is in front of me.

I am tense as I wait for whatever instrument she will use to punish me this time. I cannot stop my mind from wondering why she has changed the treatment. Will it be different every time? I make a mental note to ask Angela about this before I leave.

It feels like I have been sitting here in this cold fog for hours, I want to look at my watch but figure that is probably not that good of an idea. Without realizing, my tense muscle begin to loosen, the blood pumps back through them and I feel a little warmth as my body begins to acclimate to the cold. I could see the relevance in the last treatment; I had dealt with the horrors of burning alive as my friends had. What correlation could the cold have to my past?

I am so lost in my thoughts that I am caught terribly off guard when the first jolt hits me across my lower back. I do not know what it is Isa is using and the only thought in my head is 'pain.' I cannot tell where the pain begins or ends, if it is hot or cold, if it is something solid or not. All I feel is strips of pure, crippling, naked, pain. I cry out in agony and fall off the stool onto my knees. I lurch forward and throw my arms out to catch me and they slam against the metal cage walls. My arms seer with freezing burns and I quickly pull them back and notice the redness setting in.

Suddenly the pain grips both of my feet and again I scream as my feet cramp up in protection from the horrid madness. I stumble back on to the stool and wrap my arms around my body, shaking from fear and pain as much as the cold.

My head darts around nervously as I try to see where Isa might be, but the fog from the dry ice is too thick and I cannot see a thing. My pulse is deafening in my ears and I cannot hear anything save the pounding of my heart and the gasping of my breath.

I try to take deep breaths to calm myself enough to hear what is happening around me. It is useless though, because as soon as my breathing begins to regulate, a single point of pain radiates from the base of my hairline. It feels as though the flesh there is being eaten away and the feeling expands until my entire neck feels as though the skin is being peeled off my body. The sharp ache underneath the skin is nearly unbearable and I find myself hoping that I would lose consciousness before too long. The direct pain stops and the area burns with a cold fire.

My teeth hurt from grinding them so hard and my head is pounding. The dizziness threatens to cause me to fall onto the freezing cage walls again. I reach out to try to balance myself when the pain rips my chest open, searing pain cuts at me from sternum to gut and back again. I throw my head back and wail at the top of my lungs, my body feels as though it is being cut to shreds.

The pain again lessens and I am finally able to realize why Isa is doing this treatment. The last week was never about the pain, but the heat. This treatment is about the pain that they felt, another aspect of the agonizing horror they went through.

Once again, I am struck by how much they endured in my absence and the tears begin to flow freely as I see my friends and my Bella before me, hovering in the haze. Jasper nods as if I am finally feeling the pain that they endured.

The pain bites at me five more times and then no more.

When Isa comes to help me off the stool, I nearly collapse in her arms. She wraps me in a warm blanket as I sob uncontrollably on to her sleeve. She runs her hands through my hair as I finally begin to calm down.

I notice that the temperature in the room has risen and I am no longer shivering from the cold; however, I cannot escape the tremors of sorrow that still run through my body.

Isa finally releases me and standing up, departs the room. I get up, move on shaky legs to my clothing, and get dressed.

Walking out I see Angela once again typing away at her laptop. A small part of me wonders what it is she is working on, the rest of me cannot find the energy to care.

"Would you like for me to call you a cab, Mr. Cullen?" I look over her, barely registering her words. "You don't look very stable on your feet. You can sit here for a while if you would like." Her warm smile is genuine and comforting.

"A cab would be great."

"Of course, Mr. Cullen."

Angela makes a few phone calls and tells me that the taxi will be here in 10 minutes. I thank her, make my way down to the street, and wait.

The cab takes only a few minutes to make its way to my street and the driver tells me that the fare has already been paid. I silently thank Angela for her kindness and make my way to my apartment, where my bed is calling my name.

-Isa-

I want so much to treat him like every other client, with objectivity, but that is proving to be harder than I thought.

I doubt he realized it, but he called out for me, the old me, tonight. Tears flowed out of my eyes as I purposely caused him more and more pain. Pain he did not deserve, yet he felt that he owed to me, to everyone.

A part of me wants him to hurt, to feel what I felt after he left the party. Another part wants to hold him and take all of his pain away. Right now I am not sure which one I want more, and that thought alone pushes away the memories, fueling my new nightmares.

**A/N: So, if you were in Edward's shoes, would you have gone back to see Isa?**

**In case you were wondering what it was that Isa was using, she was using an inverted can of compressed air. I got the idea because my husband thinks it's funny to shake it up unsidedown and get it really cold and then shoot us over our pants, it's so cold that it stings even through jeans. **

**Reviews = Teasers!**

**See you all next Saturday!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: So this chapter is the start of a big shift in the relationship between Edward and Isabella. I hope you like it.**

**Mesmerizeme is my totally amazing beta and I swear everyother word would be misspelled if it wasn't for her. Seriously, I have a way of spelling things where they are real words, just not the ones I wanted. One time at work I wrote "shirts are optional for females." I meant to say skirts, you can imagine how that went down with my male boss. LOL**

**Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight, I just give them a good mental mind screw.**

-Edward-

Flames surround me; the smoke is choking and my eyes burn. I notice that my friends are all trying to escape, not really working together, but each on their own. Emmett is trying to pull burning pieces of wood away from the door, only to have more fall in their place. Jasper is trying to climb out of a hole in the floor, but the flames keep dancing below, not letting him through. Alice is trying to open the window, but the glass is melting and not letting her open it up. Rose is trying to put out the flames, but as soon as she gets one part out and turns to the next, the first has burst into flames again. Bella is trying to explain to the firefighters where we are, but it seems that they keep getting lost on their way. I try to rally them together, but no sound will pass my lips, it seems as if they do not even know that I am there. I duck as a section of the wall gives way and bricks and plaster fall to the ground. That action creates a hole in the wall big enough for a person to fit through. As I survey the hole to make sure it was safe, the others come over and began to push me through. I try to stop them, I want THEM to go first, I need THEM to be safe. However, I am no match for the five of them and soon I feel myself falling through the hole in the wall. I grab for my Bella's arm at the last moment and pull her through with me.

Heat is replaced by cold; we are underwater, submerged in freezing murky water with no idea which way was up. I look toward Bella only to see her face pale and slacken; she is unconscious and will soon drown if I cannot get her to the surface in time. In a panic, I search and search, trying to determine which way is up.

Suddenly I feel Bella begin to struggle away from me. She wretches her arm from my grasp and begins to swim away. Desperate to save her, I give chase, fighting the intense burning feeling in my lungs. After what feels like forever, the water begins to turn brighter, a little warmer; I realize that we were nearing the surface. I swim as hard as I can and finally surface, gasping for air. After a moment, I realize that Bella is nowhere to be found. I duck back under the water to look for her, but it is impossible to see through the muck. The fog sitting on the water made little difference in my ability to see there either. I call out her name, desperate to find her, desperate to save her.

In the distance, I hear a boat coming toward me, it has no motor and the only sound emanating from it is the soft rowing of ores. As the boat nears, I see that it is a woman rowing the boat. Her hair is down hiding her face and she does not look at me. The boat comes to a stop next to where I am treading water but I make no move to climb aboard.

"She is no longer here," the woman says. "Only I am here." Just as the woman is about to lift her head and let me see her face, I am ripped violently away from her, whooshing helplessly across a blackened sky.

I wake in a cold sweat, gasping for breath, my heart pounding in my ears. I place my hands in my head as I try desperately to recover from the dream; it felt so real.

What does it all mean? Was the woman in the boat Isabella? Is she trying to tell me to let go of my Bella?

My questions are cut short as my alarm sounds. I groan as I reach over and turn the offending sound off. I can already tell that I will not be able to make it through my morning without some serious caffeine.

I quickly shower and get dressed, leaving just a little early to allow time to stop at Starbucks on the way to work. I ask for a very simple, yet very large, cup of coffee with two shots of espresso and soon I am on my way into my building.

I try to keep my mind on the work in front of me, but my mind keeps returning to the previous night's dream. I want so badly to have someone I can talk to all of this about. I want to talk to my mother, but I can't tell her about Isa. I want to talk to Isabella, but how do you tell the only non-family female in your life that you think you were dreaming about her? I want to talk to Isa, but she doesn't talk.

The feeling of loneliness grips me almost painfully, the want for comfort from someone, anyone has fast become a need. The problem is that I have little to offer back to anyone who would comfort me.

An image of Isabella flashes in my mind. She has been an amazing friend in the short time I have known her, she has listened to me and helped to push me toward being a better person. Could I return to favor? Maybe if I can try to be the comfort that she needs, maybe she will want to give that same comfort back. I wonder if she would be open to spending time together outside the coffee shop, maybe even dinner. Would she be more comfortable talking about herself and her past when it was just the two of us?

Would she see it as me asking her on a date? Would she want that? Do I want that? I want to let someone in, and Isabella is the only one I feel comfortable enough to want to do that with.

My head swims with unresolved questions and before I realize, it is lunchtime. I look toward my computer screen and see that I have entered only one word on my spreadsheet, but that word had been entered tens if not hundreds of times.

Try

I tidy up my desk and head out to lunch, it doesn't take me long to get to the sandwich shop and my heart is beating hard as I open the door.

It is amazing the level of physical pain you feel when your heart rapidly goes from beating out of your chest, to nearly stopping all together and then plummeting to your feet. For the first time that I can remember Isabella is not there. I try to keep my disappointment to myself as I purchase my sandwich and go to sit in the back.

I don't even taste my meal as I eat quickly. Just as I finish the first half of my sandwich the chime on the door rings and causes me to lookup. My breath catches as Isabella walks in and takes a quick look around. I cannot see her eyes, but I hope it is me she sees when she pauses.

She purchases her lunch and comes to sit in her usual spot, right next to where I am sitting.

"I was afraid you weren't coming today," I say as she begins to unwrap her sandwich.

"I wasn't going to. I had a really bad night last night."

"I'm sorry to hear that." I take a deep breath and prepare for my next comment. "I know we haven't known each other very long, but I've been told I'm a really good listener. And me not having much of a life means that I'm available pretty much whenever you might need me." I smile a little bit, trying to lighten the mood.

"Thanks, Edward. It really means a lot to hear you say that."

I'm not sure what else to say so I change the topic.

"So I've started night classes. I took your advice and I'm going to get my degree."

"That's great, Edward."

The silence envelopes us again and my brain wages war against itself, fight or flight, take the chance or just stay the course.

Isabella finishes her sandwich and prepares to leave. It's now or never.

"Have dinner with me." I practically blurt out the request and mentally slap myself for being so crass.

"I-I mean, we might be more comfortable talking where we don't have the lunch crowd surrounding us. We don't have to, it's just a thought."

I lower my head and sigh; she must think I'm going crazy after listening to that ramble.

"That sounds nice," She replies and I'm both shocked and elated that she has agreed.

"I make a mean tuna alfredo." I smile up at her hoping she'll agree.

She lets out a small laugh, "My favorite."

"So tonight? Seven o'clock?"

She takes a moment to think about it and tells me she'll be there. I give her my address along with my phone number in case she gets lost and she turns to leave.

I finish my lunch without even tasting it and head back to work. The rest of the day flys by and I cannot keep my mind off my plans for the evening.

-Isabella-

I tried to stay home and not go to the sandwich shop today, I was sure that my outburst the other day had put Edward off. Yet I needed to make sure he was all right, after our harsh words, and his session with Isa, I was worried about his emotional well-being. It nearly broke my heart to see him looking so sad when I walked past the shop window on my way inside. The look on his face when he saw me enter said it all; he was waiting for me.

I sighed as I looked at my closet trying to find something to wear. I knew from the first time I saw him here in the city that I would not be able to hide from him forever; I just didn't think that it would happen so soon. Part of me wants to call and tell him I can t make it, just so I can hold on to what we have right now for just a little longer. I know that tonight will change everything; I have no more excuses to hide myself from him.

Will he be upset with me when he finds out who I really am? Will he even recognize me?

I decide on a simply gray dress, with long sleeves and a long skirt. He may see my face tonight, but I'm not ready for him to see the rest of my scars. I doubt that he is ready for that either, but if Isa is going to heal him, he needs to face this demon. He needs to see that I am okay, that he really did save me.

I glance at my reflection in the mirror; I usually try not to look in it for too long. The scars creep up my neck like the fingers of a lovers embrace, they do not go up too far, and other than a scar near my bottom lip, my face is relatively unmarred; although that is on the outside. My vocal chords were scarred from breathing in the intense heat and while I've been told that my voice did not change a lot, it is now a bit huskier than before.

I briefly consider wearing a scarf as well, but I cannot think of a reason to wear it once I enter his apartment so I decide against it.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I pull my hair back into a ponytail. I grab my hoodie and slip it on, pulling up the hood. Checking to see that I have everything I might need, I head out the door and into the unknown future.

**A/N: So, thoughts? Do you think Isabella will actually show up? How will Edward react when he sees her without the hood? Will he recognize her?**

**As always, reviews get a teaser!**

**I tied for third place in the 100 pictures competition! Hop on over to my profile to read my entery - The Human Princess and the Friendly Vampire.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: So I preordered Eclipse on iTunes and it started downloading at midnight. It wasn't until 9am that it finally completed. Normally it takes me 30-45 minutes to download a movie. And there were no mid-night releases here why? FYE was all excited that they were opening two hours early, at 8am!, to sell the movie. Arg! Anyways, watched it, loved it, what else is there to say. Except that Edward is HOT and I'm still mad they didn't have the sexy times scene at the end. "I love you, I want you, right now." Gah! Best line in the entire series, not the mention the sexiest scene, and they left it out?**

**Okay off the soap box. LOL.**

**Stephanie Meyer makes all the money off of this, I just have fun writing about them.**

**And of course I can't forget my comma goddess and spell check queen Mesmerizeme! Love ya bb.**

-Isabella-

Edward's apartment door is wooden, possibly red oak or white maple, definitely nothing pricey. There are exactly three knots in the wood and the door itself seems to be hanging at an angle. The door has been painted over a few times and I can see the previous blue color through the now peeling, egg white paint. The weather stripping is coming off in certain places and I am sure that this door does not begin to retain the inside heat. The door handle is aluminum and the lock is a simple key lock tumbler that you can pick up at Walmart. It is a good thing that his door only leads to an inside hallway. The hallway carpet, I take note, has a very tacky 1970's feel; you know the kind where if someone vomited on it, you would have to follow the smell to clean it up because you would never be able to see it.

I know these things because I have spent the last 10 minutes standing outside his door. I am trying to gather the courage to do what needs to be done, but that courage is desperately hiding behind the fear that he will reject me once he sees what I look like. Will he run away from me forever?

A part of me still loves him, and probably always will. Hearing him talk about how he still feels about me, or at least the me he used to know, makes me long for the days when there was nothing separating us. I hope for his sake that he can finally start to move on once the reality of who I am now sets in. But I am selfish and unsure if I can handle him being taken out of my life a second time.

The war raging inside me is coming to a head with the flight part of me beginning to win when the door is thrown open and Edward is suddenly standing before me. His face moves from worry at the fact I have not arrived yet, to brilliant happiness at seeing me, to disappointment and confusion when he sees that my hoody is hiding my face from him. He masks it quickly as he smiles warmly at me and invites me to come inside.

I walk past him and take in his masculine and tidy apartment. There is a couch and a recliner in the main room, neither matching the other. To the right are a small kitchen and a little nook area with a small table and a few chairs. He has set the table with a white tablecloth and candles in the center. I am torn wondering if he is trying to be romantic or not. Is he trying to get over his Bella by wanting to move forward with me? (are instead of is. Tablecloth is one word)

Edward closes the door and asks is he can take my jacket. It's now or never, but there is something I want from him first. I slowly turn toward him, still hiding myself from him.

"Edward," I pause briefly, "there is something I want to do first. Because after I take this jacket off, I may never get the chance again. You might never want to see me again."

"Isabella, Edward starts to protest but I hold my hand up to stop him.

"Please Edward, let me do this." He nods his head and waits for me to continue.

"Close your eyes Edward." His eyes immediately slam shut and his breathing picks up a little.

"Bend down, just a little." He bends his knees slightly until his head is nearly level with my own. I step forward and can feel his sweet breath on my face. I smile slightly as I smell the peppermint toothpaste he must have used just before I got here. He always had a weakness for all things peppermint.

"Stay very still, I tell him as I slowly raise my hands and frame along his jaw. I can feel his heart thundering as I study him for a moment. He licks his lips and I do the same. I begin to lean in and so does he.

"Don't move," I whisper softly to him and then I close the distance between us. His lips feel so soft on my own and I wonder briefly if mine feel good to him as well. The kiss is sweet and innocent and while I don't feel ready to take it further, my hands make their way into his hair and grip it lightly. He moans softly and I feel his hands move onto my shoulders. Edward makes a tentative lick across my lips with his tongue and that move pulls me back to the present. As much as I don't want to end it, I am already stealing this kiss so I pull away slowly.

Edward's eyes are still closed and his lips are turned up in the most beautiful smile. He sighs quietly as he slowly opens his eyes. He takes my hands in his and looks toward my still hidden face.

"No matter what you look like Isabella, I will not run from you."

His words give me the final push I need and I reach up and slowly pull back my hood.

Edward's eyes bulge out of his head and he stumbles away from me shaking his head and mumbling the word 'No' over and over again. My fear becomes reality before my eyes, but I cannot stand by while he pulls away.

I reach out my hand for him, "Edward I can explain. Please." I nearly beg him to listen to me, to hear what I have to say.

My words seem to pull him out of his trance and he collects himself.

"I'm sorry Isabella. You just look a lot like someone I used to know." Even though I realize that his mind is just trying to protect itself and not see the truth, it still hurts that he does not realize that his Bella is really standing before him.

I give him a halfhearted smile. "I understand." I desperately search my mind for a topic change, anything to take away this awkward feeling in the room. "Is that tuna alfredo I smell?"

He smiles brightly and seems thankful that I have moved onto a different subject. "Yes it is, I hope you re hungry."

-Edward-

When Isabella arrived at my apartment, I was thrilled that she had actually come. I have been so nervous all night; I want to make things as comfortable as possible for her. Of course, I may have gone a bit overboard.

Upon seeing her still hiding her face from me I could not suppress the look of disappointment on my face. I was really hoping to finally see the woman who has become my closest friend in years. Maybe even more, someday.

Then she kissed me. I felt her lips on my own and something took hold of me, her lips were foreign but the way she kissed seemed so right, so comfortable, and familiar even.

When she finally broke the kiss and pulled back her hood, I was hit with a hallucination greater than anything I have seen before. There before me was my Bella, the burn marks framed her face as though they were reaching for what flesh they had not already marred, but there she stood looking at me. Seeing this brought such fear into my mind, fear that I had finally gone crazy, and fear that my new friend was only in my mind. I cowered in that fear, trying to escape the hell my mind had created for me.

Through my fog of delirium, I hear Isabella's voice begging me to listen to her. Her words are like an anchor to me, grounding me in my moment of insanity. Looking at her, I realize that while she looks remarkably like my Bella, there are subtle differences. I decide to concentrate on those differences to help me through the evening.

I apologize for my apparent madness and she looks crestfallen for a moment. Sensing that a change of subject is needed, she reminds me of dinner and I couldn't be more grateful at that moment. I take her jacket and lead her to the dining room.

I planned to turn down the lights a bit and light the candles, knowing that she is sensitive about her appearance I thought that she would be more comfortable in the soft light. However, considering that she looks so much like my Bella, I decide to forgo the soft light which would make it too easy to imagine that it really is my Bella sitting across from me.

I plate the food and pour the wine as we sit quietly enjoying our meal. There are the occasional appreciative comments about the food, or comments on the weather; we both seem to be weary to stray into serious conversation. As we are both coming dangerously close to finishing our meals, I decide to swallow my fear and ask her the about the one thing I had been dying to know since that first day at the sandwich shop.

"Isabella, will you tell me about your Edward?"

She bites her lip and I sense she is trying to decide how to start.

"You don't have to, but you have helped me so much that I was hoping I could return the favor. Sometimes it's better to just get it out there."

She smiles at me and the whole room seems to brighten just a little.

"Yes, I think it is time that I told you about my Edward."

"I met him when I was very little; we became fast friends and did everything together. He played house with me and I played He-Man with him, it didn't matter what we did, as long as we did it together. When we came to the age where friendships between girls and boys became complicated for most, we just kept right on going. We still did everything together, even so far as to make each other in to a man and a woman. I couldn't imagine a life without him in it, and I didn't ever want to."

She lowered her eyes form a moment as if lost in the memory of her lost love.

"We were so sure of everything, we had it all planned out. We were going to college the next year and I was hoping that we would go as husband and wife. He was so set on becoming a doctor; it was his dream ever since I can remember. He used to try to play doctor with me, of course over the years the reasons and the examinations changed quite a bit." Her face was a cross between a smile and a grimace, between the pleasure of the memory and the pain of the reality.

"Did he die?" I asked her. I had to know what happened to take her away from this life that she had wanted to much.

"No, no, he did not die. There was an accident. I was at a friend's house and we were celebrating the coming year. Edward went out to get something from the store and while he was gone, a fire broke out. The firefighters said later that it was an electrical fire caused by faulty wiring; they said it was only a matter of time before it happened. The fire started in the utility room and hit the cleaning supplies first. The fumes fueled the fire and caused poisonous gas to fill the house, there was no fire alarm in that room so we didn't even know that it was happening. I think it started before Edward even left the house. At any rate, the fumes caused us to get very sleepy and by the time we realized what has happening, the fire had spread to the living room. The alarms were finally sounding, but we were so incapacitated by the fumes that we couldn't move fast enough to escape. We crawled on the floor to escape the smoke, but the fumes were there as well; before long we each passed out. The next thing I remember I was in the hospital with burns all over my body. They told me that Edward had saved me, but that no one else had survived."

I sit listening to her story and cannot get over how similar it is to my own, I am doing my best to ignore the similarities and focus on her.

"When I woke I knew that Edward would give up his dreams to stay with me and I couldn't have that. So I let him go."

Isabella has tears in her eyes and is looking at me almost expectantly. I don't want to ask the question, but I have to know.

"What did Edward go out to get that night? The night of the fire?"

Isabella bites her lip and composes herself; she seems almost as scared to answer me as I am to hear the answer.

"Marshmallows, he left to get marshmallows for a bet between my friends Emmett and Jasper."

My heart is in my throat and I can barely breathe. Is she really here? Is this really happening?

"Bella?"

She smiles brightly at my recognition and there is no longer any differences, subtle or not. She is my Bella.

"Hello, Edward."

A/N: So the first big reveal. How do you think Edward will handle it?

Remember: Reviews = Teaser!


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and Mesmerizeme owns my comma and properly spelled words. Maybe I'll go make cookies, then I can own something. LOL**

-EPOV-

Sitting across from me is the one person I dreamed about every night, but never imagined that I would see again. My hand moves across the table to touch her face, to make sure she is real. However, seeing the scars still marring her beautiful neck give me pause. I did this to her. Even if I could not have stopped it, I left her there for this to happen. I left her there to be burned.

I drop my hand and my head, as I cannot bring myself even to gaze upon her face. I don't deserve to be anywhere near her.

Isabella, I mean Bella, sees the change in my mood and reaches out, taking my hand. Before I realize what I am doing, I slide back her long sleeve to reveal more scars on her arm; angry red and beige welts rise up from her skin. I am sure that if I stare long enough the scars will begin to dance, like the fire that created them. Reminders of my failure to protect her, they taunt me, but still I cannot look away.

Bella does not pull back, she lets me examine her flesh and the memories they hold. I realize that these are the least of her scars. Her dress that night was not long sleeved. I don't think that I can bare to see more right now, so I release her arm back to her.

"How can you stand to be near me?" I ask her. I can tell that my voice is full of self-loathing and I hate that she has to hear that.

"Because I don't blame you." Her voice makes it sound as if the answer is obvious, but I know there is so much beyond that. She has exiled herself from everything around her, because of my actions.

A small realization creeps its way into my head and takes root. The more I attempt to ignore it, the more prominent it becomes until it is all I can think about.

"You knew who I was."

She nodded her head in affirmation.

"Why didn't you tell me before? Why all of the secrecy?" I finally raise my head to look at her. A part of me is angry with her for not telling me before tonight, before I became attached to her again, but most of all, I need to know why she still wants to be around me. My mind wanders back to when she first arrived and the kiss we shared. She had thought that I would turn her away. I do not know if she thought that because of how she looks or who she is, but I desperately wanted to find out.

"Would you have believed me?"

Her question shocked me. Of course I would have, she is my Bella. Noticing my confused look, she continues.

"When you saw me tonight for the first time, you balked Edward. You convinced yourself that it was a hallucination and that I was not who I appeared to be. Now, can you imagine that same scene happening at the sandwich shop, in public?"

I grudgingly admit that she is right, I probably would not have believed her. In reality, I would have hated her for claiming to be my Bella.

"I had to make you see it for yourself, it was the only way." I close my eyes as I realize she is right. And a new wave of shame makes its way over me.

"So, what happens now?" I ask her. I am afraid of her answer, but I know that not knowing will slowly eat me alive inside.

"You're my friend Edward. If you are willing, I would like to stay in your life, in any way that I can." She almost sounds desperate, as if she is afraid that I will never speak to her this way again. I wonder how many of her 'friends' and family left her after the fire. How many did not have the strength to continue being her friend. I would not be the one to run out on her. If she needs me, I will always be there. Before I could answer her, she continues.

"I can't promise you anything more that friendship, and I ask nothing more in return, but I have missed you. I wonder now if sending you away was not a huge mistake." I cannot believe what she is saying to me, she blames herself for the state of my life. She is the one who is helping me to live again; there is nothing she should ever feel guilt for.

"Bella," I smile at how nice her name feels crossing my lips, "I don't want to leave you. I'm here until you send me away."

It does not escape my notice when her cheeks turn a slightly brighter color than before. I had forgotten how easily she blushed. I wonder what else I have forgotten.

"So, Bella, tell me about what you have been doing since High School." She visibly stiffens at my question and I wonder what other horrors life has thrown at her. I immediately want to take the question back and tell her she does not have to answer when she begins to speak.

"It took a while to adjust to things; I was in the burn recovery unit and in and out of surgeries for almost a year. My parents hired a tutor to come in and teach me so I was still able to graduate on time. Only you and my family came by regularly. Everyone else that came by only stayed for a short time. They were either uncomfortable seeing all the bandages, or had satisfied any curiosity that had brought them to visit in the first place."

I was correct; all of her friends had abandoned her. She paused and looked in my eyes; I could tell that she did not want to tell me what happened next.

"I asked your parents to take you away."

My heart stopped beating for a moment and my stomach folded in upon itself. She was so worried about what would happen to me that she sent away the only person outside of her family that still cared. I couldn't decide if I was more angry or hurt at what she had done.

"I wanted you to have a normal life, and you couldn't have that with a deformed girlfriend who needed (help?) to do almost any task. It was over a year after the fire that I was finally able to go to the bathroom on my own. And an additional three years before I was allowed to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds. I know you would have sacrificed your life to help me and I couldn't take that away from you. I didn't know how it would affect you, and while I know I caused you pain, I don't think that if I had to do it again I would do it any differently. Please understand that I only wanted the best for you and I no longer felt I was that."

-Bella-

There is no doubt in my mind that telling all of this to Edward could potentially ruin our friendship. I would not think any less of him if he decided to blame me for how his life had turned out. I had taken the choice from him, I had forced him to move and had taken myself from him. At the time it did not occur to me how much he was hurting, or how much he blamed himself. I only thought that he would eventually get over me and move on. I was a fool to not realize that his love for me was just as deep as mine for him. And now I sit here across from a broken man, telling him that it was I who broke him.

Every fiber in my mind is screaming at me to apologize, to beg for mercy, but if he is going to stay, I will not let it be out of pity.

I wait anxiously as he processes what I have told him. There is a part of me who wants him to sweep me up in his arms and tell me that it's all in the past and that I am forgiven. But that kind of hope is dangerous and I refuse to allow myself to be taken in by it.

He looks at me with saddened eyes; I want to hold him, to take the pain away. I know it is impossible for me to do so instead I wait for him to speak.

"You're right, I would have stayed. I would have waited on you hand and foot, college be damned. But that does not mean that you had the right to make that decision for me."

I lower my eyes; I cannot bear to continue looking at him, to see the pain. He cups my chin with his hand and I raise my eyes to him once more.

"But there is nothing we can do about that now. We have both made mistakes, all we can do is make the best of what we now have."

I am shocked to hear those words come from him. Not because he forgives me, but because it sounds like he is beginning to forgive himself. I beam at him because I know the progress he is making and I know what he has gone through to get here. There is still so much more for him to endure before he no longer blames himself. In truth, that may never fully happen, but to see the change in him is more than I could have even hoped for.

"Do you still want to be friends?" I ask him, my voice is barely a whisper. All those years ago, I had wanted him to move on and get over me, and I feared that knowing the truth would push him finally to do so.

He closes his eyes and sighs; for a moment, he almost looks pained, although I do not know why. He opens his eyes again and looks directly at me; the expression on his face is so intense that I have to turn my gaze from it.

"I have missed you so much, and when I met you in the sandwich shop I let myself hope that I could finally be close to someone again. I lost you once, I don't think I could go through that again. I'll take you in any way I can."

I smile and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. As I do, I begin to feel the knots that have made their way into my shoulder blades throughout the evening. I begin to massage my neck and sneak a glance at my watch. It is nearly 10 pm and although I do not have to get up early in the morning, I assume that Edward does.

"I am so happy to hear that you feel that way, I don't want to lose you again either." I stand and he does as well. "I should get going, it's getting late and I am sure you need your sleep so you are not tired at work tomorrow."

"Actually, I have the day off tomorrow. It's the CEO's birthday or something, so the company makes it a holiday. I have some homework to do, but nothing that isn't due for a few more days."

"Would you like to do something tomorrow then?" I ask Edward and he blushes a little. "What?" I ask, unable to hide my smile.

"I have tried for years to replicate your amazing chocolate chip cookies and I fail every time. Maybe you can teach me how to make them?" My smile takes up half of my face as he says this; my grandmother's cookie recipe had always been his weak spot.

"I would like that very much, Edward."

I move to grab my jacket and he walks me down to the main door of the building. Looking out I can see that it is pouring rain outside. I groan because I really do not want to have to walk home in the storm. Edward s warm hand finds mine and he begins to pull me back toward the stairs. I throw him a confused look and he shakes his head and smiles at me.

"What kind of a friend would I be if I let you go home in that? Come on, I've got movies and hot chocolate, warm blankets and a couch that reclines on both sides."

I smile, nodding my head as I let him lead me back upstairs.

**A/N: Yummy cookies backed by Edward! What could be better?**

**Remember review = teaser!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Important note at the end. Please make sure you read it.**

**Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**My beta, Mesmerizeme, is more awesome that I can explain in mere words. **

-BPOV-

Edward and I turn and walk back up the stairs toward his apartment.

I can see his hand twitching, as if he wants to do something with it but is not sure if he should. I wish I could give him a sign what to do, but I do not know either.

Once inside, we make our way back to the kitchen. Edward grabs the dirty dishes from dinner and after rinsing them off, places them in the dishwasher. I busy myself looking for the ingredients to make the cookies.

To any outsider I suppose our movements would seem normal for friends, or even for people who were still getting to know each other - maybe a couple on the second or third date. To me, however, it was simply surreal; to be here, with him, doing something as simple as preparing to make cookies. I want to remember every moment, every detail, in case it is all a dream. My mind refuses to focus, my back turned to him, I can't even recall what color shit he is wearing tonight. I take a moment to calm my breathing and decide to focus on the feelings instead. Images of this night, words said, even kisses and touches exchanged will no doubt fade over time. But the feelings I am feeling right now, in this very moment, I will remember always. And if one, five, even ten years down the road this is all I have to remember, then so be it.

It does not take us long to finish the tasks we had set about to do and I wait for the awkward silence to creep in again. I dread it and I welcome it as well. I want nothing more than to go back to whom we were, but I refuse to have hope that we will be anything more than we are right now. Two people trying desperately to heal each other.

Edward runs his hand through his hair, it looks like he wants to say something but he doesn't.

"You're not going to eat all the dough and get sick again, are you?" I ask him, trying to stave off any more serious conversation. There has been enough of that tonight.

Edward smiles brightly remembering when we were ten and he snuck my entire bowl of dough and was sick for almost a week.

"No, I think I learned my lesson. Cookies are much better after they are baked."

"Then let s get started."

Edward pulls out the few items I couldn't find, the cookie sheet, Pam, and parchment paper; and we dive into making the cookies. Growing up Edward and I never used a mixing spoon, we always dove right in with our hands to mix the dough. We usually got more on our hands than we did on the cookie sheet, but it was our thing. Tonight is no different and I can feel his hands sliding around the bowl, several times he catches one of my fingers with his own giving it a soft squeeze, or a gentle caress. This is more than just mixing cookie dough, this is reconnecting our past with our present.

"So what is your schedule like this week? Maybe next time we can do dinner at my place." I suggest to him as we finish mixing and I grab the cookie sheet. I head over to wash the dough off my hands.

"I'm busy on Tuesdays." He rushes out as he begins to pay special attention to the dough he is putting on the cookie sheet.

I should be grateful that he is not looking at me, because I can no longer process anything but what he has just said. Tuesday's are his nights with Isa. I know this, I am prepared for this, yet his simple statement brings a new problem that I am not prepared for. We have taken our friendship to a new level, or maybe rekindled our old one, but differently. Regardless, Edward is going to want his friend after his sessions with Isa, and I can't be that for him. I suddenly understand how Superman and Clark Kent felt about Lois Lane. She needed both, but as much as Kal-El loved her, he could never be both things she needed at the same time.

"Class?" I ask him after a moment. I try to sound disinterested but I am curious as to what his answer will be.

"Um. It's a, um, therapy appointment." I know that is the closest he can come to being truthful with me.

I do not say anything else, letting the subject drop. He will talk to me again about it when he is ready; hopefully I will be ready then as well.

I place the cookies in the oven and set the timer as Edward goes to wash his hands. Before the silence can become awkward, he moves over the refrigerator and pulls out two bottles of water, tossing me one.

I thank him and take the bottle, taking a long pull from it.

-EPOV-

"How about a movie?" I ask her. I don't want her to feel awkward, and whenever things get quiet, my mind begins to entertain the questions and doubt and guilt that reside there. I cannot help but wonder if it is the same for her.

"Sounds good," she tells me as she heads back toward the living room. She takes a seat on my couch while I look for a movie to watch. I don't have much but I want to find something upbeat, something that we can escape into.

It doesn't take long for my eyes to fall upon The Princess Bride. As teenagers, we used to quote that movie any chance we got. I bought the movie because it reminded me of happier times, but I had not watched it in years. I wonder if it is the same with her.

I hold up the box and ask her if it is okay. Her bright smile and quick nod tells me that it is. I quickly put in the move and press play. I sit down on the couch next to her and she tenses just a little. I can tell she is trying to appear relaxed but she moves her body so that she is taking up no more space that what that part of the couch provides. I consider moving off the couch, but I do not want her to take that as a rejection. I will just have to respect her personal space.

Peter Falk is just starting to read the book when the timer goes off in the kitchen. I excuse myself, pull the cookies from the oven, and set them out to cool. I pour two glasses of milk and transfer the cookies onto a plate, remembering that Bella's cookies are the absolute best when they are still warm and gooey.

I return and hand her one of the glasses of milk and set the plate of cookies between us. We both turn back to the movie and before long we are laughing, quoting, and munching on cookies. As she watches the movie, I see her relax and even lean towards me slightly. I am sure she is unaware she is even doing it, but I cannot help but to revel in her closeness.

When the movie is over, I take the glasses and plate back into the kitchen. By the time I return, I see that Bella is engrossed in my small movie collection. She gasps and pulls out a movie box and beams excitedly as she holds it up for my approval. She found my copy of The Great Race, another one of our favorite films. I nod my head and sit back down as she changes the disks and moves back to the couch.

Once again, we laugh and quote the movie. We even sign along with the few songs, our eyes meeting as we both sing along with The Sweetheart Tree. I had sung that song to her the night that we first gave ourselves to each other.

They say there's a tree in the forest A tree that will give you a sign Come along with me to the Sweetheart Tree Come and carve your name next to mine

They say if you kiss the right sweetheart The one you've been waiting for Big blossoms of white will burst into sight And your love will be true evermore

She takes my hand in hers and I see the hope reflecting in her eyes. Hope that we may one day be back to that, that one day we might again carve our names in our own Sweetheart Tree.

As the movies finishes, I find myself falling asleep and although I want to stay up with her, I know tonight has taken a toll on both of us.

"The couch reclines on both sides. It's actually pretty comfortable." I tell her as I see her eyes drooping. Knowing it can get cold at night I get up and retrieve some blankets from the linen closet, one that I drape over her as she pulls the lever to recline the seat she is in. She rolls over onto her side and watches me recline the other side and lay down there as well. Once I settled in, I roll over on my side to face her.

"Good night Bella, I hope you have pleasant dreams."

She begins to smile but yawns instead. I can't help but smile that she feels comfortable enough to fall asleep here.

"Good night, Edward. Sweet dreams." I continue to smile as I watch her eyes close and her breathing even out. As I slip into the world of dreams, I wonder if Bella presence will be like a talisman tonight, keeping the bad dreams at bay. I can only hope.

-BPOV-

I wake and look at my watch, it's a little after seven and my bladder is begging me for relief. Looking around I see Edward still asleep, he looks so peaceful. I make my way to Edward's only bathroom and do my morning business. Realizing I have morning breath, but not knowing how he would feel about me using his toothbrush, I glance around for his mouthwash. Not seeing it, I reach into the cabinet below the sink to see if I can find it when I feel a stabbing pain in my finger. I pull my hand back and see that I have a small cut on the tip of my middle finger. Bending down, I look for what it was that cut me and pull out something that makes my heart drop and I squeeze my eyes shut trying to erase the image of what I now hold in my hands.

It is a handmade flogger, made of duct tape with shards of broken plastic sticking out from each tendril. In total, the flogger cannot be longer than 18 inches, but that is more than enough for what he would be doing with it. If I were just Bella, or Isabella, I would have no idea what this is. I might assume it was left behind by the last tenants, or maybe even some kinky toy. But I am also Isa, and she recognizes it for what it is; Edward's torture device. I have not seen fresh wounds on him during our sessions so I can only hope that he no longer uses the horrid thing.

I am torn between putting it back and tossing it out the window, so I do not hear anyone behind me until he speaks.

"I'm not strong enough for you."

**A/N: Okay, so here is the deal. As soon as I post this I am going to pick up my husband who has been on deployment for the past seven months. I WILL reply to reviews and I WILL give out a teaser. The catch is that neither will happen until Tuesday the 21st. **

**Anyway, love you all, even those who don't review but still read this sad crazy mess.**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Merry Chrsitmas everyone! I hope you all got what you wanted this year. **

**I think Santa got my gift mixed up because I am clearly a Team Edward fan and I got a Jacob Blackcrest card with my World of Warcraft game. Seriously though, that card is real, and he's a werewolf!**

**Stephanie Meyer still owns Twilight. Not under my tree again this year. *Sigh***

**On with the show:**

-Edward-

When you are used to constant noise, silence can be the loudest thing you have ever heard. And when you fall asleep in the same room with someone with whom you have become in tune with, their departure can rouse you from the deepest of sleep.

I do not hear or even feel Bella wake up and leave the room, but I know nonetheless. Something in my mind tells me that she is somewhere that I am not and I immediately wake up to a loud silence in my mind. Her side of the couch is still warm so I know that she has not been gone long. I hear the toilet flush and smile as I make my way toward the bathroom.

I am not prepared for the sight before me.

Squatting down on the floor in front of my cabinet is Bella, holding my flogger. I have not used it since I began going to see Isa, maybe even before then. I balk at the sight, partly because I am ashamed, and partly because no one as precious as my Bella should ever have to be exposed to things like that. She has been though enough already. I want to protect her from all the bad things in this world, from the bad things I have made myself endure, but how can I protect her when I can't even protect myself?

"I'm not strong enough for you."

Bella's head whips around and the look on her face makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come back out. Her face is mixed with equal parts disgust and pity. She knows what it is that she holds in her hands; I don't know how she could not. I want to tell her that it's not mine, that it's not what she thinks, but I can't lie to her.

Bella stands and gingerly places the flogger on the counter, as if it will jump out and bite her if she moves wrong. I close my eyes, not wanting to see the pain I have caused reflected in her eyes. She is silent and I know that she is waiting for me to continue what I was saying. Realizing that she is not leaving, I open my eyes and look at her.

"I haven't used that in a long time." Bella seems to relax a bit as I admit this.

"You used this? On yourself?" I nod my head. She looks down at the flogger and back up at me. "I will not try to stand here and say that I understand why you have that, or what the purpose is, but I am glad that you no longer use it."

"I keep failing you; I'm not strong enough to be what you need me to be." I am not sure if she hears me as I can barely whisper my response. The hole in my heart is reopening and I can barely breathe.

"Edward, you didn't fail me, you saved me. You need to hold on to that." She takes my chin in her hand and forces me to look at her. "I don't know what you think I need you to be Edward. But then only thing you need to be is you, and I hope that is all you need me to be, because that is all I can offer you."

I pull Bella into my arms and hold on to her tightly, as if my very sanity depends on her not walking away from me. "I want to be the friend you deserve Bella, but I'm afraid that I have a long way to go before I get there."

She is quiet and seems to think for a moment.

"How about we both not deserve each other together? We both have a long way to go, but I'm not ready to let you go again. Not yet."

My heart soars as I hear her words and I release her from my grip. I choose to ignore the implication that the future is uncertian for us, I hold on to the here and now.

I hold my hand out for the flogger; she looks at me questioningly but places it in my hands. I jerk my head towards the door and she follows me as I walk back to the kitchen. Pulling open the junk drawer, I grab the two pairs of scissors and pass one to her.

"Will you help me?" I ask her as I make my way to the trashcan. She smiles and joins me and we proceed to cut up the flogger so it can never be used again. Each clip and cut brings a small release. I don't turn my head because I don't want to look crazy in front of Bella, but I can feel them behind me, watching me destroy this thing. Rosalie nods her head in approval.

Finally, there is nothing left but a pile of tiny plastic and duct tape pieces; nothing left that can cause pain. I mourn the loss, but the larger part of me celebrates, not only is it gone, but my Bella helped me to destroy it.

-Bella-

Watching Edward destroy that horrid thing gave me more hope than I dared to allow myself since I had stepped into his apartment last night. I can feel the ghosts of our past fading away from him; he is finally starting to heal.

"It's too early for all this seriousness Edward. What's for breakfast?" I ask trying to rid us of the cloud that seems to have descended in the kitchen.

"Um, pancakes?" Edward is all smiles as he starts getting everything he needs and I can't help but do the same as I set the table. I watch as Edward tosses eggshells and banana peels into the trash can, burying the remains of the painful past. The morning is already turning around.

Before long we are sitting at the table, digging into Edward's banana pancakes. He made them for me all of the time when we were younger and I briefly wonder if he has made them since.

He answers my question without my having to ask.

"I haven't made these in forever," he says around a mouthful of pancakes. "I forgot how good they are." I can't help but chuckle as he continues to stuff his face with the fluffy, gooey breakfast.

Realizing that I need a shower and a change of clothes, I tell Edward that I need to go home. He is reluctant to let me go but understands and walks me down to the street.

"When can I see you again?" he asks me softly.

"Lunch is only a few hours away, Edward." His face brightens as I remind him of our daily lunch meetings.

I look out the door to the people passing by the building, the sun is shining and it looks like a nice day. Edward squeezes my hand and it reminds me that I still have my hood down. I pull it up quickly and squeeze his hand back as we walk outside. While we were inside we were trapped in a little bubble of just us, where there was no one else's opinions to worry about, no one else to impress. Now it is time to face the real world and I have to talk myself out of staying even longer.

I hug Edward goodbye, give him a kiss on the cheek and head to the door. Two steps out I realize that home is not where I need to go.

I take the number 12 bus to the college dorms and prepare myself for the long walk across campus. When I finally reach the right building, I climb the stairs until I am standing in front of the one door I told myself I would never go. The one door I said I would never need. I should know that never is hard promise to keep.

Any other time of the day I would know that being at this door would be fruitless, that no one would be there. But classes at this college do not start for another hour, and I know the person in this room does not have any morning classes this semester.

I raise my hand and force myself to knock loudly on the door. Part of me wants to run but the rest of me knows I need to stay.

Before my doubts can get the best of me the door opens and the occupant stares at me with a look of surprise on their face. The look is masked and replaced by one of understanding. I am finally taking the offer; I am finally doing what I now know I desperately need.

"Good morning, Isa."

"I've come to take you up on your offer. You re right, it's time for me to start healing."

"Then come in please and have a seat."

"Thank you, Dr. Webber." I laugh at the title.

"I'm not a doctor yet, not until I finish this thesis; and you can still call me Angela."

-Angela-

I was only partially surprised to see Isa at my door. I knew there was something different about the newest patient. Isa has finished all the treatments of her current patients and is now refusing to take on any new ones since Edward Cullen came to us. I have been noticing the signs for weeks now.

When I was six years old, my mother killed herself. She took a bottle of sleeping pills, read me a bedtime story, kissed my father goodnight and went to bed. She never woke up.

My mother suffered from intense guilt, she blamed herself for the death of my little brother when he was two years old. I don't know all of the details, I was only seven months old when it happened and my father refuses to talk about it. After her death, anything outside of taking care of me brought no joy for him and once I left home to start college, he decided to join my mother.

Instead of allowing myself to succumb to their pattern of guilt and pain, I threw myself into my studies and earned degrees in psychology. I needed to understand why my parents did what they did and what could be done to prevent it. I never wanted anyone else to have to endure what my family went through.

I met Isa almost two years ago. I had heard whispers about her treatments and how she was helping to relieve desperate cases of guilt. Working toward my doctorate and looking for a thesis, I was highly intrigued.

I tracked her down and told her who I was and that I wanted to document and study her method of treatment. It took some convincing, but eventually she agreed to take me on as her assistant and allowed me to write about her, as long as I did not use the names of her or her patients. I agreed to her terms and a partnership was born.

After working for Isa for nearly six months, she began to confide in me, little by little. I realized quickly that her pain is what makes her so good at what she does. I offered her an open invitation to let me help her heal when she was ready.

As I close the door behind her, I can't help but feel that this is the beginning of the end.

A/N: I was considering leaving Angela's story until next week, but I love you all too much for that.

Is everyone reading The Plan by QuantumFizzx? If not you should be! It's almost over now, but it's a totally awesome story told in real time. Look it up and fall in love!

Thanks so much for reading!

Review = Teaser


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: My thanks to my _amazing _beta mesmerizeme who rocks on short notice!**

**This fic is going on hiatus for the next couple of weeks, (I might be able to get a chapter in here and there) because I am going to be on the road visiting family. Then chapters will be smaller than normal because I am moving. **

**I don't own it. Sigh...**

-Isa-

"What happened?"

"I told him," I tell Angela as I sit down on her deck chair. "I told him. I told him who I am. That I am Bella."

My breathing is heavy as I try to process everything that has happened. My future has never been so uncertain and that scares me to no end.

"And what did he say?"

"He was shocked at first. I had to lead him to the revelation, but once he was there he didn't seem mad about it." My voice is monotone and body is starting to shake. I close my eyes as I uncontrollably begin to rock back and forth. I wrap my arms around my chest and wait for the next question. There is too much in my brain to process it into coherent statements.

"He didn't seem mad? What do you mean?"

"He keeps referring to how broken he is, that he's not good enough for me." I pause as the image of his homemade flogger comes to the front of my mind. "Oh God, he would hurt himself. He made a torture device that he used to use on himself."

Angela comes over and wraps her arms around me, letting me know that I am safe with her. But I don't feel safe, I feel terrified to be inside my own mind.

"What have I done to him?" I all but sob the question as I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. "I should never have made him leave."

"You did what you felt you needed to do. He saved you and you were trying to save him." She pulled back and forced me to look at her. "You can't change your decisions in the past, all you can do now is learn from that decision. You cannot make decisions about your relationship with him without consulting him."

I nod my head in agreement and she releases me from her embrace. I have stopped rocking and now sit with my head in my hands, willing away the tears.

"Do you feel _you _need to be punished? Do you want to be hurt now?" Her question catches me off guard, I hadn't even thought about it.

"I think that will hurt him more." No matter what I felt I deserved, he didn't deserve to hurt even more.

"I'm glad you realize that. Now, do you still feel that he needs to be punished?" I knew this question was coming, with the work we do and the research Angela is doing on it, this question is pivotal. And yet, the thought of him being punished for something that was never his fault makes my heart ache.

"I never thought that he did. I mean, I know that I misplaced my anger toward him once or twice, but I never thought that he deserved the punishments that he receives. But he thinks he does."

"And you are changing that. You are helping him move past that."

Something in me snaps and I bolt upright.

"Am I? I'm helping him by hurting him! He was barely able to deal with the girl in the Sandwich Shop being his Bella! How is he going to deal when he finds out that his Bella is the girl who has been torturing him?" I throw myself back in the chair. "I never should have talked to him. I never should have tried to be his friend. How can I go back to hurting him now that I've got him back?"

"Isa, everything you have done has been to help him," Angela tells me, trying to calm me back down.

"I don't know if I can continue to hurt him as Isa, and then be his friend, and then maybe someday be more to him as Bella."

"Well, you only have a few more sessions outlined with him. Do you feel you can finish the treatment out?" I close my eyes and massage my temples, a nasty headache threatening to emerge.

"I don't know. And I don't think I will really know until I am there, in front of him."

"It will be difficult, but you must remember that this is for his greater good. This is healing him."

"I'm scared." I feel a little better after admitting that, but the feeling is so slight that I barely notice it.

"What are you scared about?"

"That he will not want me when this is over, when he has healed, and especially when he finds out who Isa really is. I can't lose him now. I see his face and all I can think about is when we were younger. I want that back so much; I want us to be back to who we were."

"He is your connection to before the fire, to before your life shifted so dramatically, but you cannot use him as a door to your past. You would give anything just to go on as if the fire never happened. But the truth is that it did happen, and not just to you. It happened to him as well and it is something you need to face together if you ever want to be together again. You cannot go back and erase the past, but you can put it behind you and start again."

"I can't lose him." I don't want to even think about going back to my life without him in it in any way.

"Would you rather have him as he is right now, broken and hurting? Or would you rather he be whole and able to live a full life, out from under the guilt that he carries around."

"I want him whole; I want him to be better."

"Even if it's not with you?"

I balk at her question. Is it selfish to want him with me, even if being without me makes him better? I know that it is, and that thought makes me feel even worse. Using the calming techniques that Angela has taught me over the years, I take several cleansing breaths before I answer her.

"I want him to be better, I really do; but I want him with me too. I just don't know which one I want more."

As I wait for Angela's response, something in me makes me look up and check the time. I throw myself up and out of the chair when I see that it is already 11 am.

"Angela, I have to go. I'm supposed to be at the sandwich shop in an hour and I still have to go home and get changed, I ll never make it on the bus, I'll have to call a cab."

"Don't worry Bella, I'll drive you there." Angela tells me as she gets up to grab her coat.

Angela reaches for the doorknob and stops, turning to look at me. "It's okay to want for yourself sometimes Bella. Just as long as you take others wants into consideration as well."

We head out toward the parking structure so she can drive me home.

**A/N: I know it's short but a lot happened here. Isa really needs to work some things out before she can treat Edward again. **

**So don't kill me, but no teaser this time, because of my traveling. I can only respond from my phone after this weekend.**

**I hope you all had a great New Years and I wish everyone the best in 2011!**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Okay, so the trip ended up getting modified, but moving is still hell so this chapter is a little late. My deepest apoligies for posting past my normal day. **

**On a side note, I have found that now that hubby is home I am happy. Why is this not a good thing? Because this is a dark angsty story and me being happy is counter productive! Damn happy making hubby. LOL**

**So on with the show.**

**Disclaimer - I don't own Twilight. *sad face***

-Edward-

I barely hold my composure as I make my way back into my apartment. Of course the bubble had to pop at some point, I know this, but it does not help the extreme feeling of loneliness that grips me now that she is gone. I want to chase after her; I want to chase the feeling of almost normalcy that she gives me. But I stop myself before I can. I don't want her to think I'm desperate.

Even if I am.

Instead, I focus on getting a shower and doing some homework to pass the time until lunch. The material seems to come naturally to me and I absorb it like a sponge, determined to be a better man for my Bella. One day I will be able to give her what she deserves, a ring, a couple of kids, a house, a dog, whatever she wants.

I just hope she wants it with me.

Before long, it is time to go head off to the sandwich shop. I put my books away with a smile on my face and a spring in my step.

As I walk, I notice that it is one of the few bright and sunny days today. The air is slightly warm, there are birds chirping above and even the barrage of people walking around going to and from places in their lives, lends an air of contentment to the day.

I smile and place a dollar in the jar of a homeless man that I see every day, but never really notice. I take a moment to appreciate the trees lining the street and to notice the different shops I pass, noting which ones have things that Bella might like.

An older woman nearly runs into me as she passes. I catch her and help her maintain her balance. She looks up at me and smiles brightly. "Thank you so much young man, I never have been good at watching where I am going."

"It's not a problem at all ma'am. I wasn't really paying attention either." I tell her smiling warmly back.

"It is a beautiful day isn't it?" She pats my arm in thanks and begins to walk away. "Have a lovely day my dear."

"You too ma'am." I smile even bigger as for some reason this small encounter seems to have brightened my mood even further.

I stop for a moment and try to think of the last time I was in a genuinely good mood. Outside of Bella coming into my life, I can't think of one single day since the fire that I have been even close to happy. I can t remember the last time I took notice of what is around me, or when I last conversed with a complete stranger, other than a few mumbled words of apology. I always took on the blame of whatever accident led me to them. I still feel the guilt, I still see my friends when I look in the mirror, I still feel them following me everywhere; but now there are times I find myself forgetting that they are there. The guilt of that night is not eating away at me every second of the day. Part of me feels guilty for that, that I am moving on from what happened, but then my Bella's face fills my mind, and I know there is a reason to move on. Her.

I m still in a great mood when I enter the sandwich shop. I've had all of the sandwiches now and I'm on to trying the small selection of soups. Today it is a nice butternut squash, oddly my favorite as a child. Bella always teased me about it because she preferred tomato soup with a grilled cheese sandwich; she refused to eat one without the other. I smile as I place my order and look over to where I know she is sitting.

My smile falls for a moment as I take her in, her hair still hides her face, she is still reading her book, but something seems off. I watch her for a moment, and to someone who sees her everyday but does not interact, they would not notice anything amiss with her. I, however, see how her shoulders are tense, how her small frame rises and falls in deep breaths bordering on gulps, and how she has not turned the page in her book since I first looked at her.

My order is ready and I head over to our table in the back. As I sit, I notice that her breathing falters and she does not lift her head even in the slightest as she usually does to acknowledge my presence. Sensing she needs an escape, but not knowing what from, I take my finger and pull the top of her book down slightly to get her attention.

"You want to get out of here?" I ask her softly. She nods her head and I help her pack up her things, the sandwich shop serves everything to go, so we easily take our lunches with us. I take Bella's bag from her so she does not have to carry it and we head out the door.

I lead her to my building and up the stairs. She stops at my floor but I continue on, we are not going to my apartment. Bella seems a bit confused but follows me; I notice that she has tucked her hair behind her ears, finally allowing me to see her face again. I sneak small glances at her as we ascend the stairs. Her eyes are pink and slightly puffy and I can tell that she has recently been crying. I hope she has not been crying because of me. She has rescued me, she is helping to make me whole, I would hate for those actions to cause her pain.

We reach our destination and I push open the door for the roof. Not long after moving in, I discovered that Mrs. Fuhs in 6B started a garden on the roof of the building. She even had a small wrought iron table and chair set in the middle of it all for her to sit and enjoy her garden, or entertain a guest. She has told me before that I am welcome in her garden at any time, although I have had to reason visit until now.

I set our lunches down on the table and pull out Bella's chair for her. Bella sits and looks around at her surroundings. It is getting colder this time of year, the flowers are still in bloom, but I do not think that will last much longer. Mrs. Fuhs has been negotiating with the owner of the building for a temperature-controlled greenhouse so she can have her garden all year long. I must admit that it definitely adds to the building.

"It's beautiful Edward. I had no idea that something like this even existed here in the city." She definitely seems in awe of the garden.

"One of the residents here takes care of it; she said it was okay if I used it. I thought you could use someplace nice where the world could just melt away," I tell her as I reach for her hand. "And you looked like you didn't want to be in the sandwich shop today."

"You're right. I was having a bit of a melt down earlier. I'm messed up too, Edward," she said as she squeezed my hands tightly. "Thank you for rescuing me."

"I rescue you, you rescue me - I think that's kinda how this relationship thing works." I squeeze her hands back. "I'm here for you Bella, whenever you need it."

Tears begin to fall down Bella's cheeks and her eyes look away, avoiding my gaze.

"I know you are, Edward, and I am so grateful for that. I want to be there for you too, but I don't know if I can right now."

I smile at her encouragingly, "I'll take whatever you can give. I know about being weighed down by something in your life, something you hide from everyone else. When you are ready, it does help to tell someone. You don't have to hold this burden by yourself anymore."

She begins to sob harder and tucks her head into my shoulder. "I'm not ready yet, Edward. I want to be, but I can't, not yet."

I run my hands up and down her back soothingly. "Shh, it's okay, whenever you are ready." I lift her head, forcing her to look at me. "And if you are never ready, that's okay too."

She reaches out and grasps me in a tight hug so tight I can barely breathe but I do not complain. Whatever comfort I can give Bella, I will.

-Bella-

When I showed up at the sandwich shop, my mind was still on my conversation with Angela. I still had no idea what I was going to do, no idea how I was going to handle being both Isa and Bella to him. With every passing moment, I grew more and more anxious about his arrival. I want him; I need him; but am I what he wants and needs?

The walk to his building and then to the roof was enough to distract me from my thoughts. Now, here I sit, in the middle of a beautiful garden, eating lunch with a beautiful if broken man.

My mind is made up.

Isa will finish will finish his treatments, no matter how hard it is for me.

He needs to get better, even if it means not being with me.

The world shouldn't be deprived of someone like Edward.

**A/N: So Isa is on! Do you think she will hold up to the pressure?**

**Reviews = Teaser!**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I am visiting family so internet access is hard to come by right now. So it will be a few days before I can respond to any reviews.**

**Mesmerizeme is my amazing beta without whom I would never use a comma in the right place. ;-)**

**Twilight is not mine. (sad face)**

-Edward-

When something new and exciting comes into your life, it tends to block out everything else. A new job can make you forget for a little while that you absolutely hate morning traffic. A new, bigger television can make you forget that there really is nothing to watch on cable, now it just looks bigger. A new relationship can make you forget the heavy shackles in your personal life. But, like anything new, it can only occupy your mind for so long. Soon enough you are brought back to your original problem; cursing rush hour, flipping aimlessly through a thousand channels, or facing the dark part of your life. The point is that we can only escape for so long; soon we have to take off the rose-colored glasses and face reality.

These past few days have been amazing, Bella and I still spend our lunches together and we have had dinner a couple of times. Getting to know her all over again has become more than I could have ever hoped for. All of this brings me to tonight. Tonight is my night to go see Isa for treatment. Do I still go? I feel so much better already, she has set me on the right path, surely I don't need to keep going do I?

I decide that the one person who can truly answer that question is the person who has seen so many people like me treated. I will go, but I will talk to Angela about what she thinks. Maybe she can talk to Isa for me.

It does not take long to make my way to the office suite. I wonder how many people walk idly by this suite every day, having no idea what goes on here. I wonder how many people walk by each day that do know. I wonder if I will walk by this suite again one day after I am all done, or if I will avoid walking anywhere near this place ever again.

Angela is sitting at her desk typing away at her laptop as usual. I wonder if she prefers working in the silence and sterility of this front office.

"Good evening Angela. May I ask you a question?" She looks up as I speak and greets me with an almost knowing smile.

"Of course you can," she answers brightly.

"I was wondering who decides when the patient is well enough to be done with therapy?" I decide to not beat around the bush. "I'm not so sure I even need these treatments anymore, I think the ones I have had so far have done the trick."

Angela smiles slightly and nods, making me wonder how many other clients have asked this same question.

"Have you ever had an infection Mr. Cullen?" Seeing my confused expression, she expands on her question. "Strep throat, a staph infection, a UTI?"

"Yes, I've had strep before," I answer her not really getting where this conversation was going or how it relates. (comma not period after before)

"And they gave you antibiotics right?"

I nod my head tentatively.

"And how did you feel after about four days on the antibiotics?"

"I felt fine, like I wasn't sick anymore."

"And yet the doctor told you to make sure you took it for the whole time, usually about ten days, even if you felt better. Because if you don't then the infection could come back even worse. Right?"

"Yea, something about the bacteria mutating or something."

"Right. Well think of therapy, any therapy really, like antibiotics. You start to feel better after a while, but unless you see it all the way through, you could have a relapse that is even worse than when you started. Right now your feeling like day four, but you need to continue on to day ten."

I sit back and think about her answer. I want to get better, I need to get better. I need to leave my demons behind me. I refuse to allow myself to have a relationship with Bella with a potential relapse hanging in the air.

"So how many more sessions does Isa have lined up for me?" I ask, wondering how far she feels I need to go.

"Including tonight? Three."

Part of me was glad to hear that there is an end in sight. Another part of me is chastising, my friends' only end to their pain was death, how can I be happy that my pain will end and I still get to live.

"You are still holding on Mr. Cullen. Your pain will not heal until you can let go of theirs."

I realize reluctantly that Angela is right. I am not ready to be done with these treatments.

I've barely made that realization when Isa opens the door and beckons me in. I enter the room and begin to take my clothes off but she holds up her hand stopping me. As I fix the few buttons on my shirt that I had undone I notice a rectangle glass enclosure in the middle of the room, there is a glass door on one side and in the center is a metal table with four metal bands lying across the top. I wonder briefly where she stores all of the furniture pieces when she is not using them. Isa opens the door with a hand held remote control device and directs me inside.

I enter the enclosure and notice that the top is made of glass as well, completely sealing me inside. Near the floor near one end of the table are three air vents and on the right side toward the middle of the glass wall is some sort of electronic panel. Isa enters, removes the bands and motions for me to lay down on the table. Once I am in position, she begins to place the bands across my body at my chest, my upper abs and elbows, my hips and right above my knees and clicks each end into the sides of the table.

Fear begins to grip me as Isa leaves and the door begins to close. I realize that once again I am here to relive the pain that my friends endured. The pain that I could not save them from. The pain that fate forced on them, and not on me.

I lay here for several minutes waiting for something to happen, wondering what horror awaits me tonight. I notice Isa mess with the remote control device and soon the faint smell of something burning and a hazy smoke begins to fill the air. As the room continues to fill with the smoke, I lose sight of Isa and anything outside of the enclosure. The smoke begins to burn my eyes slightly and I close them in defense, trying to take shallow breaths.

Faint at first, the smell of chlorine begins to assail my senses and my nose wrinkles in protest. The bands around my body and not very tight and I begin to try to wiggle my arm free to hold it over my nose. Suddenly the bands across my chest and abs tighten making it impossible to move my arms. The compression continues to the point that it is difficult to breathe. I open my eyes to try to see if I can find a way out and my eyes immediately burn with the smoke and chlorine. I gasp and my lungs seize with the noxious air and I begin coughing and choking, unable to get enough air in my lungs.

Just when I think that I am going to break a rib coughing against the band at my chest, that band loosens and the band across my hips becomes incredible tight. I am able to take more air into my lungs now but my lungs burn from the horrible atmosphere and I can feel my nose running freely. I squeeze my eyes shut again and try to regulate my breathing; I have to endure this. The pain in my hips is agonizing and increases and the band around my abs lessens slightly. I try to wiggle my arms out but they are still stuck in place.

A moment later the band over my hips begins to release slightly and I find myself hoping that this is the end. I should have known that nothing is that easy. The band above my knees tightens and I nearly scream out from the pressure. The constriction from the band is painful and I fear that it will actually dig into my flesh through my jeans.

My eyes continue to burn and my throat is nearly raw from coughing so much. My lungs feel like they are on fire and my head is starting to feel as though it is in a constricting band as well.

Suddenly all four bands tighten and it is all I can do to not cry out and take in more smoke. The bands release for a moment and then constrict again and this time I do cry out, screaming for Isa to save me, to let me out, all while coughing my guts out. My voice sounds strangled, horse and weak and I am not sure she can even hear me. I feel dizzy and wonder how much longer I can keep conscious.

I realize that this is what anyone trapped in the fire would have gone through; this trapped feeling, unable to call for help, painfully suffocating, painfully dying. I am unable to stop the tears from streaming out of my eyes. They make my eyes burn even more, but still they come. I feel different bands tighten five more times, and then no more.

When Isa opens the door I barely notice that the smoke and fumes are now gone. My head still feels as though it has been impaled with an ice pick and I am having a hard time thinking straight. Even through all of this, the tears continue to flow.

Isa releases me from the bands and places a breathing mask over my nose, mouth, and something on my index finger. Once this is all in place she sits next to me on the table and pulls me to her, holding me as I drift to sleep. My body is too tired to sob, yet the tears still fall from my eyes.

-Isa-

To say I was nervous when Edward arrived would be like saying that Cerberus is a cute puppy. This treatment will keep me away from him physically yet is probably the most traumatic to date. At least for me it is.

When that fire started in the laundry room, all of those chemicals filled the air, choking us. Even if the fire and smoke did not kill the others, the chemicals would have.

Before I let him in the door, I check all of the equipment one more time; I have the hospital on speed dial and oxygen tanks ready and waiting.

I motion for Edward to enter and secure him on the table. I refuse to let myself look at him again and I leave the glass box and lock him inside. I turn on the gas and pay close attention to the concentration of oxygen in his air. Normal atmosphere is 21%, anything below 10% causes death. The plan is for Edward to be in there no more than 15 minutes and for the oxygen levels not to reach below 15%. Everything has to be done just right for this to be successful.

Within moments, the smoke has filled the room and I can barely see Edward. Anticipating this I had set up an infrared camera so I can monitor his reactions and be able to tell if something goes wrong. I had pre-arranged the settings the changing tension in the bands, I was worried that I might not be able to do it manually when faced with the reality of the situation.

It takes longer that I thought for Edward to begin crying out for me. It takes everything in me to not open the door and just rush to his aid, my mind flashes back to that night and the memories are almost enough to make me put a stop to everything. As soon as the last band has loosened, I input the commands to suck the bad air out of the chamber and pump clean air in. As soon as I can see Edward with my own two eyes, again I open the door and rush in to him pulling the bands from him and placing a breathing mask over his face.

I climb up on the table and hold this broken man in my arms, this man who will do anything to share my and our friend s pain.

I cry with him.

I cry for him.

All I can wonder is, does he cry for his pain, or for mine?

**A/N: **

**FYI - Chlorine is a choking agent used in crowd control and sometimes as chemical warfare. It makes it difficult to breath and causes a person to cough continuously until they can do nothing else.**

**Reviews = Teasers!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Thank you to everyone reading, reviewing and recing this story. I know I don't say it enough but you guys are totally awesome! **

**Thank goodness for my beta Mesmerizeme, cause apparently I do a lot of split infinitives. Good thing she knows what that is, I had to look it up and then ask my 14yr old to explain it. LOL**

**I'm back at home now, Kansas is a very c-c-cold place right now. I'm so happy to be back in warm San Diego, at least for another few weeks.**

**Twilight is not mine. :-(**

-Edward-

The light from the lamp in my living room shines directly in my eyes as I open them. I want to reach out to turn it off, but I do not want to move either. Instead, I grab for my cell phone and turn off my alarm. I glance over at the other side of my couch and smile as I see Bella still there, fast asleep.

The morning after seeing Isa, I worried about my voice and the cough that still persisted. I didn't want Bella to worry about me so I called her and told her that I couldn't make it to lunch and then suggested that we have dinner instead.

It seems that we have had dinner and sometimes lunch every day since, and last night she fell asleep on my couch as we were watching an old movie. It makes me feel hopeful that she feels so comfortable here that she has no problem falling asleep and staying the night. I want so badly to take her out on a date, maybe even kiss her again, but I don't know if she wants that. I know I need to act on my feelings soon before they spill out on their own and scare her away.

I finally move and get myself ready for work. Before I leave, I put some coffee on and lay out some bagels and cream cheese for Bella. Not wanting to disturb her, I leave her a note next to the coffee machine letting her know that I would see her at lunch.

Work passes quickly and at lunch, Bella and I make plans for dinner at my apartment again. I have yet to visit Bella's apartment but I know there will be time in the future, when she is ready.

Bella arrives at my place soon after I get home and we order take out, neither of us really wanting to cook. We eat and talk and laugh and soon move to the living room where we usually sit together to watch a movie.

As Bella looks through my small movie collection for something to watch, I find that I can no longer keep my thoughts to myself.

"Bella, do you ever think, what if?"

She takes a deep breath and looks me in the eyes. "No. The past is the past. There is no use worrying about something that we cannot change. All we can do now is work to make the present better." She abandons her search for a movie and sits next to me on the couch.

"Maybe there is a way for the what if and the present to meet."

Confusion evident on her face, she thinks about my comment for a moment before finally asking, "How do you mean?"

"I mean, what if I kissed you?"

Her eyes flash briefly and she nods her head so softly I would miss it if not for the fact that I was looking for it. I lean down and gently brush my lips against hers.

Heaven.

I feel her arms reach up to wrap around my neck. It emboldens me further and I take her top lip in between mine, sucking lightly. I do not hear, but rather feel the soft moan she releases into my mouth. I pull back slightly and tentatively lick her lower lip, asking for entrance. She grants it immediately and I caress her tongue with my own. This is not an invasion but an offering of everything I have to give her.

I release her mouth, but do not remove my lips from her body. I move my lips to the small area in front of her ear and kiss reverently down her jaw and neckline, tasting, sucking, kissing, worshiping. Finally, I reach the scars peeking from the neckline of her shirt. I waste no time showing the same reverence to this place, silently mouthing the words 'I'm sorry' in between kisses.

"You are so beautiful Bella." I can't stop the words from tumbling from my mouth and I realize that I don't want to.

I hear Bella say my name in a cross between pleading and whimpering. I cast my eyes to her face and see her eyes closed, silent tears falling down her cheeks.

Suddenly I want to see it all. I want to kiss away the pain that these scars represent. Until now, I have been asking forgiveness from the ghosts that haunt me, now it's time to ask forgiveness from the ghosts that haunt her.

I slowly reach for the bottom of Bella's shirt and begin to slide it up. She is wearing a chemise underneath so nothing is exposed to me but her scars. I know deep down that she has not exposed herself in this way to anyone, and the fact that she is willing to show me humbles me deeply.

I pull her shirt over her head and force myself not to stare at her, that last thing I want is for her to feel that I may reject her. I return my lips to her collarbone and continue my worship. Bella's eyes are still tightly closed, but she is not pulling away from me. I need to show her that she is still beautiful to me, and I think she needs to hear it just as much.

The words 'beautiful' and 'sorry' leave my lips, but I only give breath to the first one.

My lips continue their path down her left arm, paying attention to each raised piece of flesh, each angry welt, trying desperately to sooth them with my love and my sorrow. When I reach her wrist, I kiss around to the underside and hold her open palm to my cheek for a moment, relishing in the soft, warm skin against my face.

Ever so slowly, I begin the trek back up her arm, this time on the underside. I feel the tears falling from my eyes as I reach a particularly rough patch near her elbow. I kiss and show love to each part of her, the clear and the scarred, the whole and the broken. Reaching the top of her arm, I continue my path over her upper chest, just barely grazing the tops of her breasts. I barely even notice their swell as I focus solely on her skin.

I repeat the same on her other arm and finally bring both of her hands to my mouth and kiss them softly. Bella's face is stained with tears and I am sure that mine is not very different. I pulled her into my arms and hold her as she continues to weep. I want her to know that I am here for her and accept her in every way possible.

A small part of my mind notices that my friends are with us, but their faces are no longer haunting and blaming; they are loving and caring, as if they have been waiting for me to let go and are happy that they can now move on. As I see them turn and walk away in my mind, I realize that they are no longer burned, but are whole again. A new batch of tears reaches my eyes and I do nothing to hold them back.

It feels like we have held each other for hours when I feel Bella pull back. I stare down at her beautiful face and wipe away any stray tears with my finger. The smile on her face is small, but the look in her eyes says everything else.

In her eyes, I see the love and adoration that I know I feel as well. I don't know if we will ever get to the point where we say the words out loud, but for right now, just feeling it is enough for me.

-Bella-

When Edward asked to kiss me I realized that I was powerless to tell him no. As much as it was probably unhealthy to do it, I wanted it as much as he seemed to want to.

And when he began kissing my scars and telling me that I was beautiful, I could no longer hold in the tears. I knew that if I opened my eyes and saw him doing these things that I would want to run and hide from him. Best to make myself believe this is a dream. So I kept my eyes closed tightly, scared that this truly was a dream.

When Edward began to remove my shirt, I clenched my fists to keep from screaming and running away. Would he be repulsed? Would be no longer want me? The terror of the potential rejection threatened to consume me and it took all of my will power to stay and allow this to happen.

My fears of rejection were eased when Edward immediately began to kiss my scars. I still wanted to pull away and hide from him, but the more he did, the less scared I felt. When I began to feel his own tears on my skin, I knew he was healing himself as much as he was healing me.

Now he holds me as I let go of my fears, each tear carrying away a small part of the pain and longing. There are more inside me than these tears can carry, but it is a beginning.

When I have no more tears left to shed, I pull away and finally look at Edward. His face is tear-streaked and I know mine is no different. He moves to wipe away the few remaining tears from my face and this threatens a whole new set of tears, but I hold them off.

I cannot give him a big smile; now is not the time for that. I try to tell him how I feel with my eyes, my gratitude, my love, and above all, my forgiveness feelings for which words cannot be formed right now. I realize now that a part of me did blame him, a part I tried my hardest not to acknowledge because it made no sense. I allow that dreadful thought now to take shape, only for it to be carried away with my forgiveness.

Realizing that we are drowning in ourselves, I offer the best solution I can think of to lift our spirits, something that always brightens my day, no matter how bad it has been.

"Hey Edward? How about we get some ice cream?"

He smiles so brightly that I cannot help but return it as he reaches for my hand.

**A/N: Yea for ice cream with Edward! I'm debating with myself about putting in a lemon later but if I do, it will be more of the intimate healing kind and not the raw down and dirty.**

**Review = Teaser!**

**Have a great weekend everyone!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: So my computer gets shipped on Monday and I will have limited access to the internet. I am going to try to get a couple chapters off to my beta before then but I can't guarantee anything so please don't hate me if I can't post for a few weeks. For those who don't know I am moving fom California, USA to Naples, Italy. So while I'll still be posting every Saturday, it will be on Central Europe time. **

**I don't own Twilight. BooHoo. But I do own Isa's crazy treatments! LOL**

**Massive thanks to my amazing beta Mesmerizeme. She is wicked quick!**

-Bella-

After getting ice cream, Edward turns to me and asks why we have never been to my place. I wonder that myself for a moment before I decide that since my place is closer right now anyway, that we might as well go there. We walk silently toward my apartment building and I smile as I let Edward into my home. No one else has ever been here before and I like the idea that Edward is the first one to see it.

I suggest a movie and Edward agrees to it then asks where the bathroom is. I show him and head off to get the movie ready.

"Bella?" The confusion and hurt is evident in his voice as he calls out to me. I jump up trying to find out what has gotten Edward this upset. And then I see it. In Edward's right hand is Isa's black veil, the one she wears every session.

I search Edward's face and I nearly fall to my knees with the force of emotions pouring out: betrayal, hurt, confusion, and denial. But above all, betrayal.

"Edward," I call out to him, begging that he let me plead my case. I knew he would find out eventually but I had hoped it would not be like this.

"You... You are Isa?" I can do nothing but nod my head in admittance. "I loved you! How could you do this to me?" His voice is low and weak, as if he doesn't have the strength to scream and yell; yet his words are loud in my mind and my heart.

Suddenly there is another Edward beside me, and this Edward has no problem raising his voice. "Isa came to me only after I met you! You knew who I was and still you brought me in to torture me? Is this how you get your kicks?"

Another Edward appeared on my other side and spoke slow and venomous in my ear. "You keep hurting me. You hurt everyone you've ever loved. That is why you will never know happiness."

I cannot help the tears that fall down my face. My worst fears being voiced by the one person I feel that I can trust, the one person that I still love is more than I can handle.

"Edward please!" I plead to him one more time.

"No." His face is hard as he shakes his head at me. "You're not good for me, and I don't want you anymore."

Edward begins to walk to the door and every step he takes sets the floor on fire. Soon everything around him is set aflame.

The fire grows quickly and soon I am trapped with no way to escape. I spin around trying to find a way out when I see my friends, dead and gone, are back, staring at me as if they are waiting to attack.

I see Edward walk up to them through the flames and I allow myself a little hope that he will save me from this horror.

Instead he turns to them and says, "You can have her. I'm done with her." Edward just laughs as they start to close in on me. -

"Bella! Bella! Wake up!"

I open my eyes to see Edward's worried face looking back at me, a forgotten toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. He pulls me in tightly and wraps his arms around me.

"It's okay Bella. It was just a dream.

I throw my arms around his neck and hold his as tight as I can.

"Don't leave me Edward. Please." I practically cry into his shirt as I say those words. I know it is selfish of me to ask this of him, but I cannot help it.

"Shhh, Bella. I'm not going anywhere."

We hold each other for a little longer and then I finally pull away to wipe my tears.

"Why don't you go get a shower and I'll get breakfast started. I need to leave for work in a little bit." I nod my head and give him a quick kiss on the cheek before I get up and head to the shower.

-Edward-

When I heard Bella screaming for me I rushed to the living room where she was sleeping. I recognized that she was having a bad dream and remembered quickly how bad mine had gotten. Wanting her out of the dream as soon as possible, I began to shake her slightly and call her name. It did not take long for her to wake and then she held on to me as if her very life depended on it. When she asked me not to leave her, my heart nearly broke.

I send Bella off to shower while I make breakfast. As often as she is staying over, she has began to bring a few changes of clothes to leave here. I would probably be late to work, but I want to make sure that she is okay before I go anywhere.

I hear the shower turn on as I get the pancake batter ready to go on the griddle. I can't help but think over the words Bella was screaming in her sleep and I wonder if this is from how she feels about sending me away all those years ago. The last thing I want is for her to beat herself up over something she cannot change. It has taken me a long time to figure this out, but I want to help Bella realize this as well. I briefly wonder if Isa could help her, but I dismiss it as quickly. I don't want Bella to ever have to go though one of Isa's treatments.

Realizing that there is only one person I can turn to at a time like this, I grab the phone and call my mother, the pancakes now forgotten.

"Hello, Edward."

"Hi Mom. How are things going?" I didn't want to dive right into my problems with her just yet.

"Good, your dad is taking me out tonight, so I'm looking forward to that."

"That's good, you deserve a night out." My mother laughs at that and I remember how much I miss her.

"But enough about me Edward, no one calls their mother first thing in the morning unless there is something wrong, or it's her birthday. And since my birthday isn't for a few more months..." She lets her remark trail off and I sigh as I realize how obvious I was being.

"Do you remember the woman that I wanted you to meet when you came to visit?"

"The one at the sandwich shop? Yes I remember her." My mother's voice was unusually giddy but I chose to ignore it.

"Well we have become very good friends since then and I think there is something in her past that is haunting her but I don't know how to help her."

"Do you know what this thing is that happened to her?"

"She blames herself for sending someone away. And now that she has found that person again and has begun to rekindle the relationship, she is scared that they might leave her again."

"The best you can do Edward, is tell her that you're not going to leave her again, no matter what happens." I nearly drop the phone as what my mother says registers in my mind.

"Why do you think it's me she is talking about?" I nearly whisper.

"I know the woman is Bella. I knew it when we met her that day in the sandwich shop."

"How?" I couldn't seem to speak. There were too many questions and not enough words.

"Bella is the reason that I came to visit you. She knew you needed someone and that I could help."

"I don't understand. You knew?"

"Bella and I stayed in touch over the years." My heart began to sink to the floor and I realized that through the years I agonized over Bella, my mother was still talking to her.

"All these years and you were talking to her behind my back?"

"What did you expect Edward? That she would recover perfectly? That she would just move on with her life? She needed someone to talk to, someone who knew her before the fire and would treat her like a regular person. She turned to me because everyone else was gone." As much as my mother's words hurt, the last line feels like a slap in the face. In Bella's greatest time of need, our friends were dead and then I left her. The anger at the whole situation flares up inside of me and finds my mouth as the only exit.

"You knew that my leaving her practically destroyed me! You knew how hard I searched for her! And still, you kept her from me. Why?" By the time I finish speaking I am practically choking on the tears threatening to fall. Once again, I had failed my Bella by not being there when she needed me, even if she did send me away.

"Because she asked me to. Because she thought letting you go was your only chance at a normal life. Because a part of me thought she might be right."

A perfect silence dances loudly on the line as we each wait for the other to say something else.

"Even if what we did ended up not being the best thing, please know that we did it because we love you."

I hear the shower turn off and I tell my mother that I have to go.

"I love you Edward." No matter what happened before, she was still my mother and I cannot deny that I love her as well.

"I love you too mom, I'll call you later."

I look back at the pancake batter and know that I can't leave without talking to Bella about this. I can't blame her for wanting someone to talk to, and I understand why my mother kept it a secret. But if we are going to have any chance at this relationship, whatever it turns out to be, we have to be open and honest with each other.

I get the griddle ready as I dial the office to call in sick.

**A/N: Just for anyone wandering, because I've had this question before; if one of my characters has a dream, I will always reveal that it was a dream before the end of that chapter.**

**And anyone not reading anything by Zenone is missing out. Gah! I love that woman like I love Lucky Charms!**

**Reviews make the move easier! Haha, well they make me smile anyway!**

**Reviews=teaser!**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: The move is going good so far. Everything I own is either in boxes being shipped or in my bags. We've made it to Virginia and leave here in a few days for Italy. Crazy times!**

**Mesmerizeme is my totally awesome beta who did this with spotty internet and between classes and babysitting! Yikes she is a busy woman!**

**I don't own it. *sad face***

-Bella-

I come out of the bathroom and head to the kitchen where Edward is serving up pancakes and I smile at how domestic we act around each other. Sometimes if I close my eyes, I can pretend for just a moment that the fire never happened, that I never asked him to leave; that this is our life, Bella and Edward, not Isa and fire and dead friends and insecurities. It frightens me how much just being with Edward can take away, even if only for a moment, all of the bad things in life.

Edward has not noticed me yet so I take a moment just to watch him work around the kitchen. Something about him keeps setting off an alarm in the back of my head, but it takes a moment before that thought enters the conscience part of my brain.

"Why aren't you getting ready for work?" I ask him curiously. He looks up from the table where he had just laid out the butter and syrup and gives me a small, almost forced smile.

"We need to talk, and I didn't want to wait until tonight."

Fear grips me and I feel my heart rate go up. He made me pancakes, it can't be bad news if he made pancakes right? Suddenly my dream comes rushing back to me. Has he figured it out? I've tried to be so careful around him, but it has been getting harder and harder to keep things from him. Maybe he pieced it all together and now he is going to confront me about it? Could the pancakes be his way to soften the blow, pity pancakes? My appetite completely disappears with that thought.

I sit quietly at the table and just stare at the pancakes; I can't bear to look up at him and see the expression on his face.

"What do you want to talk about?"

Edward sits opposite of me and reaches out to take both of my hands in his.

"First off, let me start by saying that I'm not going anywhere. Even if you asked me to leave again, I would find some way to still be in your life. I need to know that you are safe and I don't think I could be happy without knowing that you are okay."

His words ease my tension a lot more that I thought possible. He is not leaving, and it sounds like whatever is wrong, that he wants to work it out rather than run away from it. I let out a long sigh of relief and finally look up at him.

His face is determined, but also searching; as if he is willing me to believe him and looking for a sign that I do. I smile slightly at him, letting him know that I am okay and ready for him to continue.

"We should eat before it gets cold," he tells me when he is satisfied that I believe his words. However, I want to get whatever this is out in the open. I can't sit idle and eat pancakes with the 'we need to talk' conversation hanging over our heads.

"There's always the microwave." I tell him, trying to convey my feelings. He smiles at me and nods his head. Then he says the last words I expect to hear right now.

"I spoke with my mother today."

"Oh? How is she?"

"She's good. Although you probably already knew that."

Part of me is scared at what Edward thinks about my talking to his mother all of these years and not seeking him out, but a bigger part of me is relieved that he was not confronting me about being Isa. It seems that my secret is safe for a little while longer. I promise myself that I will figure out a way to tell him, and soon.

"I needed... the connection; the connection to you, even if it was only through your mother. We agreed not to talk about you because I knew it would hurt too much, hearing about things that were happening in your life and not being able to share them with you."

I squeeze his hands, hoping he understands my reasons.

"Bella, I can't blame you for seeking her out. And in a weird way, I even understand why you stayed away from me, but please know that no matter what had happened in my life, I would have always made time for you. I wouldn t have done it out of pity, or obligation, I would have done it because you are important to me." He shakes his head as if trying to find the right words. "Nothing can change that."

"I know that, now, but at the time I thought it was best for you to move on. That I would drag you down." I stop for a moment, weighing my next words, deciding if they should be said. "And part of me wanted to get rid of all reminders of that night. I didn't have anyone to blame, no one to lash out my frustrations to. And I feared that if you stayed that I would have take those frustrations out on you." I raise a hand to his cheek and caress it lightly. He leans into my hand and closes his eyes for just a moment.

He opens his eyes again and places his hand over mine. "We will never know. But that is okay because we are here now, together. And I promise to never leave you again, no matter what happens."

"You never know what the future holds, Edward."

"We've both been through hell; I don't think there is much more the universe can throw at us," Edward says with a small chuckle. If only he knew.

-Edward-

After our talk, we reheat our pancakes and eat together. We talk about everything, the changing weather, the new movie we both want to see, my mother's crazy code name for Bella. All the while we continue to hold hands; it's almost as if Bella is afraid to let go, like she is scared I'll float away from her.

I have to find a way to make her believe me. To make her believe in me, and in herself. She seems so uncertain that I will suddenly decide that I don't want her anymore. Hell, Bella could tell me she is a man and that... Um, well if she is a man then our relationship would definitely change, but even then, I would still want her, or rather him, to be in my life.

I have to tell her how I really feel. Apparently telling her that I am not going to leave her is not enough. I have to tell her how much I need her in my life. Before her, my life was colorless; a moonless sky(?), starless night. And now that she has come back into my life, everything seems brighter. I notice the birds chirping as I walk to work in the morning. I've even taken to enjoying the sound of rain. It no longer sounds like the sky is crying, but more like it is washing away the past, making room for new experiences and opportunities.

I know it is not Bella alone that has made this change in me and as unorthodox as her methods are, I have to admit that Isa has had a major impact on my life. One day, I will have to tell Bella about Isa and her treatments. But not now, Bella would not like knowing that I am doing something like that. I don't think I could go if Bella was sitting at home knowing what I was doing.

I look over to my calendar; my next session with Isa is coming up soon. Hopefully the one after that will be my last one. I have given up trying to guess what terror Isa will put me through for the last two weeks. The ones I have been through so far have been so intense, but going through them has made me feel closer to them, like I have finally shared in their pain.

I don't see them anymore, now it is just my Bella. My Bella who now stands next to me, helping me wash the breakfast dishes. She stays over most nights and I want more than anything to always have her here. I love waking up next to her, even if it is on the sofa. But I know our relationship is nowhere near stable enough for that. Bella is still afraid I will leave her, and I am afraid that her fears will make her run away. She is finally facing her past, finally healing. I can only hope that when she is healed, she will still want me.

We finish the dishes and Bella tells me that she needs to do some shopping and check on things at her place, so I decide to head into work. I am only a few hours late and no one is looking for me since I called in sick.

When I arrive, I tell Mr. Grimsley that I took some medicine and feel a lot better, so I have decided to come in. It isn t really a lie. Bella is my medicine and I feel so much better after talking to her. I quickly call Bella to tell her that I will need to work through lunch to catch up on some things.

"So will you be over for dinner again?" I ask, hoping that I do not sound needy.

"Actually, a small emergency came up at work and I have to see a client to get some things straightened out. But I'll see you tomorrow at lunch?" Bella answers.

"Of course, that sounds great. I won't be able to do dinner tomorrow though, I have a, um, business meeting." I tell her, desperately wishing that she did not catch my slip up.

"Not a problem, Edward, I'll just stay in and watch old movies at my place." She seems content at having a night in and I'm glad that she will have something to do while I am at Isa's.

"Sounds better than my meeting," I say as a small chuckle escapes my lips.

"You could ditch," Bella offers, and for a moment I consider it, but Angela's words sound in my head and I know that I can t.

"Sorry, Bella, but I have to stay the course with this project. I think it will be over soon though."

"Okay, well you better get back to work then." Her concern for me puts a big smile on my face. I wish she could see how just her kindness and caring nature can make my whole day better.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then. Goodbye, Bella.

"Goodbye, Edward."

-Bella-

I don't know why I suggested that Edward skip going to see Isa. I think I just wanted to see if he would. As much as it hurts me to have to do that to him, I am glad to see he is sticking with it. He is so close to being able to believe that he is forgiven, so close to forgiving himself.

I put my cell phone down and return to the front office where Angela is talking with Jacob Black. He has just found out that his father has passed away and is not sure he is strong enough to manage the estate. He wants to burn the house to the ground.

Angela is talking him down and getting him to a good place. I have little to do but sit and listen. Occasionally I lean over and whisper something to Angela, but the type of situation is more her area of expertise.

Jacob asks if Angela and I would be willing to attend the funeral with him. We agree to think about it, but make no promises. Feeling a bit better and more empowered, Jacob leaves the office hours after he arrives.

Once he leaves, I turn to Angela. I have one more task for her to do today.

"Angela, I need you to call Mr. Cullen and ask him to bring in some pictures of the friends that he lost in the fire. As well as his old girlfriend who was hurt."

"Is this for one of his sessions?" She asks, pulling out her pad of paper to take notes.

"Yes, I will tell you about it later, but for right now I need to get those pictures so I can prepare them for the last week."

"Not a problem." She begins to turn to grab the phone when she stops and turns back toward me.

"How are you doing? How are things with Edward?" I am not surprised to hear these questions and I know that they are not for her paper, but because she actually cares.

"I have to say that he is much better with communication that I am, and that helps a lot. But having this secret of being Isa is weighing on me. It's getting harder and harder to keep it from him."

"I am sure you will make the right decision in the end." She turns back around and picks up the phone to make the call. I walk back to my office, hoping against all hope that she is right.

**A/N: So Edward is getting a lot more secure in their relationship while Bella is starting to feel uncomfortable in her own life. I promise though that I am a big fan of HEA. I've only done one story that didn't have one and it wasn't Twilight.**

**Reviews = Teaser. And your not gonna want to miss this next one!**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: This chapter is being brought to you by the letter "M", as in it's a miracle that I am posting this! Between my moving and my beta's computer problems, I'm really surprised that this is still getting posted on time. **

**I finally made it to Italy! After 48 hours of flight delay. Ugh! They kept wanting to take off at 3am! We even got on the plane and on the flight line on time, before they decided there was too much snow. But I'm here now, woohoo!**

**Massive thanks to my beta Mesmerizeme, who I hope gets a reprieve soon from the power cords of doom. LOL**

**Disclaimer - Don't own it. *sad face***

-Edward-

It feels almost strange waking up in my bed. Not strange because I am alone, but strange because I am in it at all. In fact, it feels so unnatural now that I immediately make the bed because otherwise it just looks weird. I have become so accustomed to sleeping in the recliner on my couch, across from Bella, that it seems so strange to do anything else. I always hear about people who want nothing more than to wake up next to whoever is in their life. I wonder how many people fulfill that from two cushions down?

I missed having Bella around last night, but the free time allowed me to catch up on my homework. Most of it is stuff I remember from going to college before, but I don t want to take these classes for granted.

Since it is just me this morning, I grab a couple slices of toast once I am showered and dressed and head out the door.

Work goes by slowly. Our current project is nearly completed and I know that I will get the details for the next project by the end of the week, but for right now, things are pretty slow. This is a good thing, because my mind cannot help but drift to Bella today. I want to wait to tell her how I feel because I fear it will scare her off. That it's too soon. Or worse, that she doesn't feel the same about me.

But the one thing I fear the most is her never knowing how I feel about her. I fear her feeling that she needs to run away from me before I will run away from her. Realizing that I need to tell her sooner rather than later, I decide to tell her during lunch today since I will not see her tonight.

Tonight. Tonight is my next session with Isa. I hate keeping this secret from Bella. Especially since I keep telling her that we need complete honesty for this to work between us. But I should only have two more sessions with Isa. And then I will probably never have to go to her again.

Angela did say that everything was confidential.

Could I get away with never telling Bella? I don't want to upset her, would it be better to never tell her? Would she be disgusted with me for going to someone like Isa?

My head is swimming with questions and a small part of my brain is trying to force the number forty-two into the answer block, but it keeps falling right through. I decide that I still have some time to decide if I want to tell Bella about Isa or not. So instead I will head out and meet my Bella for lunch.

I see Bella walking up to the sandwich shop at the same time that I do. I take a moment to notice that it is a beautiful day as I open the door for her. Inside we place our orders and Bella is surprised when I ask the man at the counter to make our orders to go.

Bella looks up at me curiously. "Where are we going?"

"Well, the weather won't hold forever. I thought we could go back to the garden on the roof." Bella's eyes light up as she remembers when we visited there before.

"That sounds great Edward. Just the thing I need to pick me up today."

I don't miss the stress and weariness in her voice. "Have you had a bad morning?"

She sighs as she answers. "More like a stressful night last night."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I've never been very clear on what she does other than she works from home.

"I have a client who is in a situation that he thinks I can help with. It's outside my specialty but he does not want to work with anyone else. It's just frustrating that I can't help him." I can feel the helplessness pouring out of her words. I hate to see her this way.

"Well I hope lunch can take your mind off of things. Maybe when you get back you will have a fresh perspective on things. Maybe there is a way you can help him that you just haven't thought of yet."

She smiles up at me. "Maybe."

The man at the counter calls our orders and we grab our food and head back to my building. When we reach the roof we make our way over to the garden. Several of the leaves are starting to turn around the edges. It won't be long now until Mrs. Fuhs is no longer able to keep them alive.

Bella and I take a seat and dig into our sandwiches. I know I have to do this and I have to do it now. I can't wait any longer.

"Bella?"

"Hmmm?" She asks around a mouth full of meat, cheese and bread. I chuckle a little at the sight but quickly regain focus.

"I need to tell you something, something that may change the dynamics of our relationship." She looks at me with curiosity in her eyes.

"To be honest I am a little scared about telling you this. But I can't keep it from you any longer." I see the look in her eyes change to alarm and I realize that I've said it all wrong. She's scared that this is it, that I am going to leave her. I have to tell her now. I look her directly in the eyes, I need her to see my sincerity.

"Bella, I've fallen in love with you. Again. I love you Bella." Her breath hitches at my confession and mine ceases as I wait for her response.

-Bella-

I hear Edward's words but I cannot accept them as true.

"No, Edward, you can't love me, not yet. You only love the me I used to be." We've only been back to knowing each other for such a short time.

"Bella, teenage Edward loved teenage Bella, more that he loved anything else. But this Edward, here and now, loves this Bella, here and now. I look at you and see who you are, who you really are and I can't help but love that. I can't help but love you." He reaches up a hand and cups my cheek. His eyes bore into mine as he searches my face for signs that I believe him.

But he can't love me, not until after he knows about Isa. He can't know if he really loves me until he knows all of me, especially my darker side. "There is more to me than you know."

"Maybe, but those are just details. I don't need details to know how I feel about you." How is it that he always knows the perfect thing to say to break down all of my walls? Could his love survive knowing about Isa? Could I allow him to love me or myself to love him back with the knowledge of Isa always hiding in the background, threatening to tear us apart?

Edward takes hold of my hand and squeezes reassuringly.

"Edward..." I start but he cuts me off.

"You don't have to say anything back. I understand if you re not ready to allow yourself to love me, or anyone for that matter. But I need you to know how I feel, so you know that I mean it when I say that I'm not leaving you, ever. You could be the devil and I would travel through the gates of Hell, willingly, just to be near you. I'm sorry if this is too much, but it's how I feel."

Every word breaks down another wall, every word gives me hope, every word lets him in further and further. It's as if he can read my thoughts and know exactly what to say.

"Why are you so perfect?"

"Bella, I am far from perfect. I just want to be everything that you need. I don't want you to have to cry anything but happy tears. There has been too much pain in both of our lives, so much that has kept us apart; we deserve to tell the universe to shove it." I can't help but laugh at his words and her rewards me with a huge smile. I nod my head in agreement, we do deserve that. I may not have Edward forever, but I am not going to waste another minute worried about what might happen in the future. He is here now and he loves me, right now. Tomorrow can wait.

"I love you too, Edward. I know I probably shouldn't as screwed up as I am, but I can't help it." Edward's smile gets ever bigger at my declaration and my heart swells as I see how happy he is, right here, right now.

We finish our lunches and gather our trash. I walk with Edward back to his work before I head home. The world seems a little brighter now, sounds are a little clearer and even the clouds seem to billow more. I have someone that I love who loves me back. For the first time in a long time, I move my hair to behind my ears and feel the sun on my face. I don't worry what the person walking down the street thinks of me, because I have someone who loves me.

As I reach my building a new thought hits me.

Tomorrow may be able to wait, but tonight is here and demanding my attention.

**A/N: *Insert evil music here***

**I haven't written up the next chapter yet but I will be working on it this week. So I may not respond right away with your teaser, but I will as soon as I have it, it just may be a few days.**

**Reviews = Teaser**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Why is it any time you move, you get sick? At least my husband and I do. So any great home remedies for a chest cold? Ugh!**

**So I am sure there are going to be a ton of questions after this chapter. I will try to answer them down below. **

**Massive love to Mesmerizeme for being an awesome beta!**

**Disclaimer - I don't own Twilight.**

-Edward-

I close and lock my door behind me as I step out into the hall. I want nothing more right now than to call Bella and ask her to come back, to blow off tonight's therapy Like Bella had suggested, but I know that I cannot. I am so close to being better, to being who Bella needs me to be, who I need me to be. So with a firm resolve, I make my way out and head over to Isa's.

As usual, Angela is waiting for me as I enter the office suite. Typing away at her laptop she barely acknowledges my presence. I pull out the pictures of my friends and Bella before the fire and place them on the desk. This causes her to look up and she smiles slightly at me. Thanking me for the pictures, she places them in an envelope with my name on it.

"Can you tell me what the pictures are for?" I ask her as she puts the envelope away in my folder.

"I'm afraid that Isa has not shared that with me yet." She replies and I nod in understanding.

"Can I ask you another question?" I ask her.

"Of course you can," she says as she looks up at me, giving me her full attention.

"It's tearing me apart keeping all of this from my girlfriend. I'm terrified that she will discover that I'm not really at a business meeting and think that maybe I am seeing someone else. Or that she will discover what is happening here and get the wrong idea. I hate lying to her, especially because honesty is very important in our relationship. I guess what I am asking is, do you think I should tell her about this or keep this secret and hope that she never finds out." I am surprised that I managed to get everything out and not drabble on about it.

"That is a tough question Mr. Cullen," she begins. "I would ask though that if you do tell her, that you make sure she keeps what happens here to herself. However, if you choose not to tell her she will very likely never find out. Isa is not going to be doing this much longer so there will be no future contact to make her suspicious."

"What do you mean she won't be doing this much longer? Is she alright?"

"She is fine, better than fine actually. All of this," Angela gestures around the office, "was spawned from a tragic event from Isa's own past. But something has happened recently to help her begin her healing process. And without her own grief, she finds administering the treatments more and more difficult. You are actually her last client Mr. Cullen."

I cannot believe it, I am Isa's last client. As strange as her treatments have been, they have helped me in a way that nothing else has. What about all of the other people out there that need that kind of help? I voiced my concerns to Angela.

"That is why I am here. I am a psychology major and I have been studying the effectiveness of Isa's treatments, both on her clients and on her. Isa has paved the way for others like yourself to get the help they need."

"But what will she do now?"

"I don't know, but I have a feeling that she will be alright." Angela smiles at me knowingly and I realize that I am not going to get any more information from her.

I hear the door to my left open and I look over to see Isa there waiting for me. I nod to her and enter the treatment room. The silence seems to be comfortable with her, like we have a bond in the silence of the room. Before me is the table from my first session, but there is a thin mattress looking thing on it. It reminds me immediately of a hospital bed.

Isa motions to the basket near the door and I undress down to my boxers, carefully folding my clothes and placing them in the basket.

She then comes over to me and begins taping wires to my body. Along the insides of my arms and legs, across my chest, down the sides of my abdomen, around my neck and finally up and down my back.

When she is satisfied with her job, she reaches for a roll of white medical gauze and begins to wrap me tightly with it. This is very different from when she wrapped me in the tape. This time there is no area left exposed. From the tip of my toes to the crown on my head, over my face to the tips of my fingers. No area is left uncovered. She passes the area over my nose only once allowing me to breathe, but wraps multiple times around my mouth preventing me from speaking. My eyes are covered to where I can only tell if it is light or dark, but see nothing else. Like my nose, my ears are only covered with one pass of the gauze, allowing me to hear every sound.

I can hear Isa moving around the room, this goes on for several minutes when I begin to notice the scent of antiseptic. The smell reminds me of a sterile hospital room. Was Isa recreating a hospital room? What did this have to do with the fire?

Soon I hear the slow beeping of a heart rate monitor. The sound is eerie in my ears and it is difficult to remember that I is not really injured.

An itch begins to invade my upper left ear and I lift my left hand to scratch it. I immediately experience a pain that causes my bones to ache and makes my skin crawl. I return my arm to the previous position and the pain returns as I do.

I continue to lay there on the hospital bed, trapped by the fear of pain if I move.

The sound of mumbled voices, as if coming from another room, reaches my ears. I strain to make out what they are saying, but as the voices come closer, I begins to wish they had stayed away.

"...over seventy percent of his body has sustained severe burns and will need to be temporarily grafted."

I hear a rustling sound and the movement of papers.

"There is not enough undamaged skin left to take the grafts from. We will have to take it from a cadaver. The body will reject it in a few days but that is all we need to get through this first rough patch. I hope we have one that has not started to decompose yet, we need to skin to be as fresh as possible."

"What about the others that they brought in from the fire? Is there enough good skin on them to do the graft?"

"That's not a bad idea. We will have to see if there in enough there to work with and get permission from their next of kin to perform the operation."

The voices drone on and begin to fade as their owners leave the room.

Did something like this happen to Bella? Did they use the skin from our friends to fix hers? Is that something they do for burn victims?

I try to reach out to the voices to ask them my questions, but again a massive pain hits my arms and halts any further movement. I lay there with my arms half raised, afraid of lowering them again, knowing that it will hurt just as badly. Hands reach out and force my arms back down, the pain returns and I try my hardest not to cry out.

I lay there for a while; minutes, hours, days; there is nothing to mark the time but the beeping of the heart monitor. I begin to count the beeps, hoping that like sheep, they might lull me into sleep.

Just shy of 700 beeps later I hear the voices coming back.

"...will be difficult for him. The graphs will only take a few weeks to heal but only time will tell how much physical therapy he is going to need."

"Does he have the insurance for it? Physical therapy can be very expensive."

"I didn't check. If not I can give him some exercises to do at home. It won't be nearly as good, but if he keeps at it he might be able to eventually do things for himself."

Again, the voices fade away.

This couldn't have happened to Bella, I tell myself. She is strong, she does everything for herself, she is not handicapped. I realize the flaw in my logic quickly though. It has been years since the fire, did she have to go through therapy? Did her parents have the insurance or the money for it? Did she worry about the position that her parents were in having to pay for her care? Did she worry that she would always be a burden to them?

Suddenly a sharp pain grips my right thigh and my muscles seize up in response. I groan loudly and my body involuntarily begins to rock. The rocking causes even further pain so I am left with no choice but to ride the pain out.

I concentrate on the beeping again trying to take my mind off my leg. One hundred and seventy-five beeps later, the muscles in my leg finally relax. Three hundred beeps after that, the voices return. I want to shut them out, to hold my hands over my ears and block them out. However, the pain continues to hold me hostage and I can do nothing but lay there and listen.

"...from the plastic surgeon. She thinks that she might be able to lessen the scarring, but that most of it is not fixable."

"Do you think he will want to go through the healing process all over again after having surgery to remove scar tissue?"

"I would imagine that it all depends on how the scars look once he wakes up and we take the gauze off. They did the best they could with the skin graph, but there is still bound to be a lot of scarring. It could affect his quality of life."

"I guess we'll have to ask him when he wakes up."

The voices do not speak anymore as I hear footsteps walking away.

They think I am asleep? They think I can't feel any of this? Or hear them talking? Was Bella awake when they discussed her condition?

I feel a low sting in my upper back causing my shoulders to tense and ache. I silently pray that the muscles do not seize up again but there is no one to hear my prayer and a muscle below my left shoulder blade lets off an intense pain. I am sure that laying on my back is not helping the pain at all. I do my best to relax the area and hope it will not last long.

The cramp does not last as long as the last one and soon the pain subsides.

Once again, the voices return.

"...have to do a check once he wakes but the preliminary ultrasound indicates that his testes have been damaged beyond repair."

"Is it possible to remove some of his semen for artificial insemination later if he decides he wants to have children?"

"We can do a test, but judging by the extent of the damage, I doubt we will find anything viable."

"Poor guy."

Again footsteps signal the departure of the voices.

I have never thought of having children, but now to hear words saying that I cannot, it makes my heart hurt. Did this happen to Bella? Was she robbed from not only her own life but the possibility of ever passing life along to another? With another?

I feel the gauze around my eyes wet as it absorbs the tears forming at my eyes. The salty gauze stings my eyes and it hurts to leave them open. I cannot take it any longer, I have to get out of this gauze.

I struggle to remove the bindings around me. Every pull, every twist, every grab sends a new wave of pain through my body.

Nearly the entire area around my face is wet from the tears in my eyes and slimy from the mucus flowing freely from my nose.

I finally manage to roll myself off the bed and onto the floor, on my stomach, where a whole new pain grips the entire front of my body. I scream out in both pain and frustration.

Finally, after several minutes of struggling I find myself defeated. I slam my fist painfully on the floor as I realize that the pain and the screaming and the crying have exhausted me. I am no closer to loosening these bindings than I was on the hospital bed, and now here I lay on the floor with no one to help me.

As I lay there sobbing I realize that the pain has subsided and that other than the aching in my muscles, the sharp, bone aching pain is gone. I feel Isa helping me back to the table where she removes the gauze and finally the wires from my body. She wraps me in her arms as I continue to cry. I hear a voice chanting to word 'no' over and over again, as though the voice is refusing to believe what it has heard.

It takes me a moment to realize that voice is my own.

As if the fire were not enough, Bella had to go through the pain of her body healing. It is a miracle that she still has the courage to even continue living in these conditions.

I resolve to talk to Bella about the physical repercussions from the fire. I want her to know that no matter what it is, I will not let it stand in our way. Everything has to be out in the open, no more secrets. She needs to know that she can come to me with anything.

And with that thought the questions I previously had are now answered.

I have to tell Bella about Isa.

**A/N: Okay, so I am going to try to answer some questions I think might come up because this chapter reveals a lot of things.**

**_Did Bella go through everything that Isa showed Edward?_ Yes and no, much of what Edward heard was an initial diagnosis. The doctors kept repeating that they would have to do more tests. So while everything talked about here was a possibility for Bella, not all of it came to fruition.**

**_What was the purpose of the wires if he was in the hospital and on pain meds? _ When a person is in massive amounts of pain, like a burn victim for example, the doctors sedate hem so they can sleep through the pain. Sometime pain meds make healing take longer, or just don't work very well on that scale. Isa knows that Edward needs to full experience before he can feel like he has actually shared it with Bella. Anything less and it simply will not work.**

**And just to put it out there that, no, I have never myself, nor have I known anyone who has been in a burn unit or has suffered through massive burns like this. I am going off of what I am able to find by researching on the internet and what I feel works for the story. If there is something here that does not fit medically I apoligise.**

**See you all next week!**

**Review = Teaser!**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Hey everyone! This chapter didn't turn out like I had hoped, but a lot happens here. **

**Disclaimer - I don't own Twilight. :(**

**Mezz - I flove you!**

-Edward-

The alarm blares from the coffee table in front of the couch. My eyes feel crusty from the dried tears I had fallen asleep to. I open my eyes to reach for the alarm when it turns off. There in front of me, holding my little digital alarm clock is Bella.

"I wanted to see you last night so I came over late after your meeting," she began to explain. "You were already asleep and must have been so tired that you forgot to set your alarm, so I set it for you."

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I question, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"You looked so tired that I didn't want to disturb you." She hands me a cup of coffee and smiles tiredly.

"Did you get any sleep?" I ask her as I take the cup from her. I take a small sip and smile, exactly how I like it.

She grimaces slightly. "I got a little sleep," she shifts nervously. "I've had a lot on my mind lately."

I set the cup down on the coffee table and turn back toward her. "I'm here if you need an ear." I see her begin to smile. "Or a nose." The grin finally breaks out over her face. "Or whatever other facial appendage you might want to take advantage of." Bella laughs aloud at my little joke and I am so glad to see her smile.

I glance back at the clock, keeping track of when I need to leave but not wanting to leave Bella. Of course, she notices.

"You need to get ready for work," she tells me as she gets up from the couch. "I'll see you at lunch?"

"You couldn't keep me away," I tell her as I give her a quick kiss on the cheek and head off to get ready.

By the time I finish showering and change, Bella is already gone. She seems troubled and I can only hope that she will open up to me about why. I plan to tell her about Isa tonight, and then I plan on asking her about the other effects of the fire. I need her to know that I am vested in us.

Work goes by slowly and lunch seems even slower. Something is off with Bella. I mention that I want to talk to her about some things and ask if we can talk over dinner. She agrees and we decide on seven tonight. But apart from that, there is no real conversation. It is almost as if she is avoiding me.

-Bella-

When Edward told me he wanted to talk to me, I knew what was coming. Angela had told me about their conversation so I would be prepared; Edward was telling me his last secret. If I had been anyone else, Angela would have reminded him of his non-disclosure agreement.

Lunch had been awkward and I did not want dinner to be the same; things needed to be said as soon as possible. Immediately after he lets me in I ask him to sit down with me and take his hands in mine, looking directly into his eyes.

"Edward, no matter what skeletons are in your closet, I will still be here for you. You've shown me that what we have can stand up to so much."

"Anything, Bella," he corrected.

Instead of agreeing, I simply nod my head and smile hoping that he does not notice my uncertainty. That test is yet to come.

"What I mean is that I don't want you to be afraid to talk to me," I clarify to him.

He takes a deep breath and then lets it all pour out. He tells me everything, albeit a watered down version of events. He tells me of his treatments, about how they made him feel; of the ghosts that haunted him, about how they are now gone but not forgotten; of his appreciation for how strong he thinks I am, how beautiful.

By the time he is done, we are both in tears; dinner long forgotten. He is letting go, and I see how much this has done for him. I hate that I have had to hurt him and that there is still more to come.

"Bella, I have to know something," Edward finally asks me.

"Of course, Edward, anything."

"Besides the scars, what else did the fire do to you?" I knew this question was coming, I practically arranged it; that does not mean that it still didn't take my breath away to come face to face with it.

I draw a deep breath before I begin talking. I know I put him through a lot on his treatment so I do my best to shelter the blow with him now.

"All the pain medication really did was make it so I couldn't move. I could still hear everything around me. I mean the pain was dulled, but I still felt it every time I moved." Edward reaches out to me and pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me protectively. I relax into his embrace and continue.

"They tried to use skin from the others, Emmett and Alice and everyone else, as temporary skin for me until my body began to heal on its own. There wasn't enough though, so they had to use sheep skin and they had to do a lot of tests to see if I could even function on my own." I take a moment to remember the experience before I collect myself and move on.

"It took a lot of work, but eventually I got back most of my mobility, although I still have problems sometimes; and my sense of touch has been dulled due to all of the scar tissue. They thought that my uterus had been damaged as well; it had, but not to nearly the extent that they were fearing. If I ever decide to have children I will have to be under close watch until I give birth."

I feel Edward kiss the top of my head and he stays there for a long while, his lips pressed to my hair.

"Say something," I beg him.

"I love you," He whispers to me. "I can't imagine how hard that must have been, but thank you for telling me."

I turn around so that I am facing him and I softly bring my lips to his.

"You are so beautiful," he mutters as we finally separate.

"No I'm not, Edward. Not anymore," I tell him.

"Yes you are." He kisses me again. "Let me show you." He guides me to his bedroom.

Edward closes the door and begins to slowly undress me and I want so badly to hide from him but I don't. The bra and panties that I was wearing that night helped to save those areas; however being the only semi-normal areas, they stand out in sharp contrast to the rest of my body, making my scars around them look even more pronounced. He lays me down onto the bed and looks at me with softly hooded eyes, not eyes of pity like I would fear, but of care and maybe even a little lust.

He kneels over me on the bed and kisses my collarbone. I start to arch my back at the feel of his lips when he begins to move down my left side.

He kisses all the way down my side, down to my hip and onto my leg, until all I can feel are his lips and his fingers, both ghosting over forgotten flesh. Edward caresses all of my skin equally; the clear, the blemished, the smooth and the scarred. He continues to my toes and then back up on my right leg.

When he has covered every inch of my flesh, he finally removes the rest of his clothing and lies with me. I can see that his body senses that intimacy with me is near. I look into his eyes and see the uncertainty in them; I know he worries that I may not be ready for this with him. I raise my hand and caress his face. Looking into his eyes I utter the one word that sums up my current feelings.

"Please."

That one word begs so many things.

Please make love to me.

Please make me feel beautiful.

Please don't leave me.

He reaches for a condom but I stop him, the question is deafening in his eyes.

"There are so many ways that my ability to feel has been lessened. I couldn't stand for this to be one of them. Please, Edward, I need to feel you. All of you."

Edward nods his head and drops the little packet onto the ground. He rolls himself onto me and I move my body to let him in. As he slips into me and we are joined as one, a single tear escapes.

He takes my face in his hands and we hold each other with our eyes. We are connected with body, heart, mind, and soul. We both pour out everything we have to each other, and we each take everything we can from each other. There is no greed here; anything we desire is freely and gladly given. As we chase after our release through a meadow of pleasure, all of the scars, pain, guilt, and longing - all of it, melts away until all that is left is Edward and I, the way we were always meant to be.

The climax of our lovemaking sweeps over me like a tidal wave. I can only hope that Edward can feel my love for him, that he understands that I want every part of him. I just hope that in the end, he will want every part of me.

**A/N: So they have taken their relationship to the next level. I wonder how that will end up. *evil laugh* We've only got a couple more chapters until we hit the prolouge, so hang on, it's about to be a bumpy ride.**

**The internet has been sketchy here lately so I apoloigize tto anyone who I got a teaser to late this past week and if I get one late to anyone this week. Hopefully it will be better soon.**

**Cool fact - This story is now over 50,000 words. Well it's cool for me anyway, I never thought I would write anything that long!**

**Reviews = Teasers**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: Hello everyone! I'm finally over being sick, yea!**

**Anyway, you're not here to hear about me, but those crazy people that come out of my mind. **

**Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine. :(**

-Edward-

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I wake up with no kink in my neck. Instead, I am greeted with a soft, comfy pillow and a soft, comfy bed. I am covered in soft, warm blankets and snuggled up in my arms is the small, soft, warm, and utterly beautiful woman of my dreams. My Bella.

I snuggle closer to her, wanting to feel her soft warmth for a few more moments before I have to get up and go to work. I spend some time raining kisses down on her neck and shoulder, careful not to wake her. Finally, I realize that I'm starting to run out of time and I gently slip out from under the covers and off to the bathroom for a quick shower before I make breakfast.

I finish my shower and get dressed quickly. As I pass the bed on the way to the kitchen, I notice that Bella is no longer there. Instead I find her in the living room, gathering her things and preparing to leave.

"Bella?" I ask her. Suddenly I am worried that she is regretting last night.

She stops what she is doing to look up at me. "Good morning Edward. I am sorry but I have got to get going. I have a meeting with that client I was telling you about. And I think I've figured out how to help him."

"That's great Bella," I tell her. "Can you at least stay for breakfast?"

She smiles and walks over to me. She gives my cheek a quick kiss and nods toward the kitchen. "I'm so sorry I can't stay, but I made you waffles." I turn and look to see a plate of fresh waffles sitting on the kitchen table, waiting for me to eat them.

"Can I see you later?" I question her. I am dying to make sure that she feels okay about the change in our relationship.

"Of course!" She replies. "I'll see you for lunch, okay?" I nod my head in agreement as she turns to leave.

"Bella?" I call out to her. She turns back around and looks at me expectantly.

"Hmmm?"

"We're okay right?" She cocks her head slightly in confusion. "I mean, after last night, we're still okay right? You're not going to run away are you?"

Bella puts down her bag and walks toward me. When she reaches me she wraps her arms around me and leans her head against my chest. My heart keeps threatening to stop beating altogether.

"Edward, I'm here until you send me away. And maybe even longer than that." She tells me and I feel my heart beat slow and my entire body relax at her words.

"That will never happen, Bella," I tell her. "I will always want you."

She smiles up at me but I can tell that she still has problems believing my words. Before I can profess my commitment further, she grabs her bag and heads out the door.

-Bella-

I hate leaving Edward like that, but I finally figured out what I needed to do about Jacob; and none too soon. His father's funeral was yesterday and he is going over to the house today to decide what to do with everything.

I rush home, and take a quick shower, and call Angela. She clears her schedule and agrees to meet me at the office. Angela arrives shortly after I do and I tell her my plan. She calls Jacob to arrange a time to meet as I get everything ready.

Realizing that my plan may take a while, I call Edward and ask if I can miss lunch and see him at dinner. He is saddened that he will not see me until later, but assures me that he understands. I hate missing our lunch, but I need to have all of Isa's obligations complete by the time I reveal myself to Edward

-Jacob-

I hang up the phone, happily surprised at the morning's turn of events. As I had expected, no one showed up to my father's funeral. He had many friends when my brother and I were younger, but as things progressed they all slowly drifted away. By the time Seth died, only a few people came around to offer their sympathies; and when my father died, I don't think it even made the paper.

So, getting off the phone with Isa's assistant, Angela, telling me that Isa has decided to support me as I deal with what my father has left behind, has lifted a large weight off of my shoulders. I don't have to be alone in this. I know this is not what Isa does, but I am glad that she decided to help.

We agree to meet at my father's house in an hour. I take a quick shower and toss on some nice clothes. I know the walls of that house can't talk, but if they could, I want them to say that I did better than what was destined for me. I beat the odds, I beat the life my father told me I was fated to have.

Isa's car drives up shortly after I arrive. Isa opens the door and walks quietly to my side. As usual, not a word is spoken. I expect Angela to get out of the car and join us, but she remains in the car, her hair down and hiding her face.

Isa gestures for us to go inside and I lead the way into the house. I take a moment in the main room and try to see past the overwhelming evidence that my father lived here, and the memories that are being invoked. Unable to see anything beyond my hate for the past, I make my way to the back bedrooms where Seth and I slept.

As I walk into Seth's room, a wall of emotion hits me and it is all I can do to remain standing. Nothing has changed since the last time I was here; even his dirty laundry still sits in the hamper. Feeling myself get dizzy, I move over to the bed and take a seat, closing my eyes against the feelings of sorrow taking over my mind.

Suddenly I feel something being draped over my face. I open them to find that Isa has placed a blindfold over my eyes, making it impossible to see anything. I have no idea how this will help, but I have come to trust Isa's crazy ways, so I say nothing.

I sit there, gathering myself, when I feel an object being placed into my hands. I feel around it trying to discover what it is. It soon becomes apparent that it is Seth's Batman figurine. He was such a huge Batman fan when he was younger; he would stand in line at midnight to see all of the Batman movies, even the bad ones.

"Seth loved Batman." I tell Isa. "I remember this one time, we gave him a Batman themed birthday party. Our cousin Paul dressed up as Batman and delivered his cake." I chuckle at the memory. "And then Paul gave him his utility belt before he left saying that he had more at the Bat cave. Seth talked about nothing else for weeks." I can't help but smile thinking about that day.

The figurine is taken from my hands and a new item is placed there. This time it is a guitar pick. Not just any guitar pick though, it was the wooden one that Seth carved himself. "He was so proud of himself when he did this." I explain. "I had been learning how to play guitar and Seth was determined to learn it too. I think he was trying to impress a girl or something." I shake my head remembering the goofy grin my brother sported for weeks about that girl. "I told him that a guitar player's pick was the most important thing to have, that even the worst guitar would play good if you have the right pick. So he decided that he had to put everything into that pick. He searched for days for the right wood, and then spent a week whittling it. When he finally used it, it sounded horrible!" I laugh at this before continuing. "He never did get the girl, but he learned to play the guitar really well."

Isa hands me several more items and I recall a memory from each. I am really getting into the memories when Isa pulls the blindfold from my eyes. I look around the room and it is as if I am seeing it for the first time. Instead of longing, I see the memories, I see the happy times we had, I remember my brother as he was before all the bad things happened. I had almost forgotten how happy he was.

I turn toward Isa and she simply nods at me and then motions toward the next room. We repeat the same thing for each room of the house, blindfolded, she hands me items and I share the memories with her.

There are a few items that bring bad memories and Isa immediately takes them from me. I do not know what she does with them, but I am glad that they are gone. My father's room holds more bad than good memories, but I somehow make it through. We finish the main room last and I take a look back at the house. Isa has removed a lot, but a lot still remains. However I now feel like I can finally make peace with what is left.

An idea suddenly occurs to me and I can't help but smile at the new thought.

"I'm going to make this a safe haven." I tell Isa and it feels good to tell someone, to get it out into the universe. "I'm going to turn this into a place for people like Seth to go; where they can be safe and have people here to help them, like counselors. I may not have been able to save my brother, but I can help others like him." Isa nods her head again and I know she approves.

We step outside and I see that Isa has moved all of the items that brought forth bad memories to a pile in the front yard. Next to it is a can of gasoline and a matchbook. She is leaving this choice up to me and I am grateful for that fact.

I quickly sift through the pile and pull out anything that I can take to the local good will and place it into my truck. Then I pile the remaining things up neatly, set it ablaze, and watch as it burns. I see Isa leaving as the fire rages and I turn to look at her, hoping she can see the gratitude in my eyes. She nods her head at me, gets into the car, and is driven away.

-Bella-

I start the car as I see Angela walking toward me from the now roaring fire. She gets into the back and pulls off the veil as I pull away from Jacob's house.

"Seriously, Bella? How the hell do you breathe in this thing?" She asks me as she begins to take off Isa's clothes.

I don't answer her, choosing instead to simply laugh at her comment. I am glad that she was able to help Jacob, I know it was beyond my realm of expertise. I have come to realize that Isa is not just me all covered up, the point of her being covered is that Isa can be anyone at all. I suddenly feel like the Dread Pirate Roberts, ready to turn over the pirate ship and settle back with my fortune. Isa has grown beyond a silly girl wanting to get her revenge on the world; she is now truly someone I am proud of, someone I can finally let go of.

A/N: So Bella is finally ready to let go, and Jacob has got his closure. I have to thank my husband for not letting me forget about Jacob.

Review = Teaser!

I hope you all have a great weekend and I'll see you next week!


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Hello everyone! **

**Twilight = Not mine. :(**

-Edward-

I arrive home at a little after five, utterly exhausted. Work was is not difficult today; I even had have some time to catch up on my homework. No, it is thinking and worrying about Bella all day that has left me worn out.

I toss my keys and wallet on the kitchen table and place my jacket on the back of one of the chairs. I know that I need to get myself together before Bella comes over. She was stuck at work for lunch so she is coming over for dinner in less than an hour and I am so nervous that my stomach is in knots.

I decide that a nice hot shower is what I need to relax and rejuvenate myself. I pick out some clean clothes for dinner and turn on the hot water in the bathroom. It does not take long for the steam to fill the room and soon, even the mirrors are fogger fogged over. I quickly undress and step under the hot water, letting it pour over me.

I just stand there, my head almost directly under the showerhead, the water cascading down my sore neck and shoulders, the places that I carry my stress. It feels like forever before the water begins to turn cooler, and when it does, I quickly wash up and step out onto the shower mat. I dry off and throw on my boxers, the mirror is still fogged up so I take my hand and wipe it away.

Seeing me in the mirror is a little confusing at first. Gone is the extreme tiredness I felt when I got home, only to be replaced by doubt and uncertainty. Would what we did last night scare her off? Will she even show tonight? I glance at my watch and see that I still have 25 minutes until she is supposed to arrive. I quickly dress and head into the kitchen to find something quick and easy to make, or in the event that fails, something to order.

I enter the kitchen and begin to look at what I have in my cabinets when a gleam catches my eye. I look over and see my key chain still sitting on the kitchen table. There, still attached to the key ring, is the engagement ring I was going to give to Bella all those years ago. I wonder briefly if she still has the same ring size.

I stop the thought there before it goes any further. Before I can even think of things like that, I need to make Bella understand that I am not going anywhere, and rushing into an engagement would not be the way to do that.

A picture of Bella in a white gown enters my mind without permission. She would be so lovely, of that I am sure; white lilies for a bouquet and a jeweled tiara on the top of her head. I smile at the image and then tuck it away for a later time.

Realizing that I need to go grocery shopping very soon, I decide to order in. There is a great new Italian restaurant down the street that delivers and I order some sampler plates so we can each have a little of everything. The restaurant assures me that they will deliver it in about 20 minutes, just shortly after Bella arrives. Hopefully.

I tidy up the house and before I know it, the clock reads 5:55pm, five minutes until she is supposed to arrive. I feel like a cross between a boy getting ready for his first date, and a boy waiting on his mother to come and scold him. All I know is that I won't feel any better until I see Bella standing outside my door.

**Ding Dong**

-Bella-

Traffic is hell and I don't make it to Edward's building until 10 minutes before six. I didn t think much about it at the time, but after replaying this morning's conversation with Edward in my head, I can only imagine what he must be thinking. I am sure I looked like I was going to run away from him. I wanted to tell him that was not the case when I called to cancel lunch, but I wanted to be able to tell him in person. Now I wonder if that was such a good idea. I hope he's not been over thinking the whole thing.

I spoke speak with Angela on the ride back to the office. I told tell her that I am ready, now, to let Isa go. She said tells me that she is happy for me and that she has enough for her paper. She has hopes that she can get it published someday so that others may know the good that we have done. I also told tell her how I think that Edward needs to know about me, about Isa.

_"What do you think the two of you will gain by him knowing verses not knowing?" She had asked asks me._

_"Edward is so big on total honesty, and I understand his point of view. If our relationship is to work, we have to be open with each other. But having this secret between us. I will always worry that he is going to find out and then leave me. I can't allow him to get close to me while this hangs between us." I answered answer._

_"And when he does find out? What then?"_

_"I will never know if I don't do it. I can only hope that he doesn't hate me for it."_

_"If he does, he's not the Edward Cullen that I've met."_

_"I hope you're right Angela; I hope you're right."_

So here I stand, at Edward's door. I know that I cannot reveal my secret tonight; we need to talk about last night first. I don't think either of us wants to deal with two major conversations in one evening. I'll think of how to tell him later.

I knock on his door and barely have time to lower my hand before the door swings open roughly. Edward's eyes appear in a panick but change to relief the second he sees that it is I. Before I can say a word, he pulls my me into a tight hug. We stand there for a moment, in the doorway, just breathing each other in.

We are still lost in each other's presence when we hear a throat clear behind us. We turn to see a man holding a box loaded with takeout bags.

"Delivery?" he asks.

Edward nods his head. "Yes, hold on a moment and I'll get your money." Edward takes my hand and leads me into the apartment. I see his wallet and keys on the kitchen table; he places his keys in a nearby drawer and searches his wallet for cash. Within a few moments, he pays the man and walks back inside with the large box of food.

Edward sets the box down on the table and turns back to me.

"Can we talk before we eat? I would hate to ruin dinner because one or both of us feels awkward."

I can see he is shaking with nerves and I know we need to talk about last night. "Of course, Edward." I reach out my hand and lead him to the couch. Once we sit down I launch right into my explanation, I don't want us hemming and hawing about the subject.

"Last night was amazing, Edward." He smiles brightly, but only for a moment before his face falls again.

"But?" He asks.

"No buts; it was amazing, and everything I had hoped it would be." I squeeze his hand as his smile returns. "I am so glad that we did it and I hope we get to opportunity to do it a lot more." I wiggle my eyebrows and his smile changes into a definite smirk and I laugh lightly at his mood.

"I enjoyed last night too Bella. So much. But after this morning I was worried that you regretted it and I was so scared that I would lose you, even as a friend."

"You can't get rid of me that easily I'm afraid. I am so sorry that I ran out like that this morning and didn't make it to lunch. I finally figured out how to help my client and it was for something that was already happening today."

"So you were able to help him then?" he asked me.

"It wasn't exactly me that helped him, but I was able to bring it all together. And now he doesn't need me anymore."

"That's wonderful, Bella. I'm so proud of you for helping people." Suddenly his face changes from happy to thoughtful. I have a feeling I know what he is going to ask next and I know that I am not prepared to have this discussion with him yet. I hope he understands.

"Bella, what is it that you do? I want to know every part of you and yet I don't know something as simple as what you do for a living." He takes my other hand in his and leans towards me.

I sigh before looking him in the eyes. "I will tell you Edward, I promise you that. But for right now, can we please just not talk about work?"

"It's not something illegal is it?" he asks cautiously. I have to laugh at his question.

"No Edward, It's not anything illegal, in fact it would probably bore you to tears. It's just a little hard to explain at first and I would rather tell you about it when we have more time, not over a lovely dinner, especially one that is getting cold." He smiles and nods his head slightly.

"Okay, Bella, but I doubt I'll find it boring if you're involved."

I know that I have placated him for now, but I can't keep dodging this for long.

I need a plan, and I need one fast.

-Edward-

Bella doesn't want to talk about her job and I can't figure out why. I hope she tells me soon. Maybe then I can surprise her at work with flowers or something. I wonder if she would like a singing telegram?

We head back to the table and start pulling the food out of the box. It all smells delicious. I grab some plates and begin dishing out the food when I realize that I didn't grab and any forks.

"Bella, can you grab some utensils from the drawer?" I ask her as I pull the buttered rolls out.

"Sure thing," she replies making her way into the kitchen. Something makes me turn to look at her and my face freezes in horror as I see her reach to open the wrong drawer, the one with my keys inside.

"Bella!" I call out in a panic. She spins around to look at me, worry etched across her face. I chuckle a bit, trying to play it off. "The other drawer, sweetheart. That's just the...stuff drawer."

I almost called call it the junk drawer; I can never call that ring junk. I will have to be more careful in the future, I can't believe she hasn't already seen it. One of these days, I hope to finally put in on her finger, but in the meantime, she and it need to stay far away from each other.

**A/N: Okay, so one more chapter after this before the big reveal. Thank you all so much for sticking with me so far. **

**Reviews=Teaser!**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: Let me start off by saying that my beta, Mesmerizeme, is totally freaking awesome! She is so fast getting these back to me, even when I take forever to write them. LOL**

**So, this is the last chapter before the prolouge. *bites nails***

**Disclaimer - I don't own Twilight.**

-Edward-

This week seems to fly past in the blink of an eye. Bella and I have lunch and dinner together every day; we even go out for dinner at a nice, quiet, hole in the wall with 'romantic lighting' and 'mood music.' I guess that's one way to describe low lighting used to hide the peeling paint and three cats in the back alleyway trying out for the opera. Bella and I don't stay long, but at least we ventured out.

Today is Sunday, the last day of the weekend, the day that Bella and I usually use to lie around, watch movies and sometimes engage in heated kissing debates. She claims that my lips are softer than hers are, and of course, I have to disagree. We haven't been intimate again since the other night, but we don't need to. That is not what our love is about.

This brings me to a little confession that I have to make. My mother would be so ashamed if she knew. This morning, in a moment of weakness while Bella still slept, I went into her overnight bag. I'd like to say that I don't know what I was thinking, but I do. I was looking for a clue as to what Bella does for work. She has assured me that it is on the level, but I still worry. I don't want to see her get in trouble, or even worse, hurt.

Of course, I find nothing, and maybe that is why I feel so guilty now, because there was nothing there to worry about in the first place. I hope she doesn't discover my trespass into her things. I am currently making a breakfast of waffles and yogurt to distract her when she gets out of the shower.

It is so nice, her spending more and more time here. She stays over almost every night now and is starting to leav several personal items in my bathroom. I even clear out a drawer for her in my dresser. And last night, as I moved the clean laundry from the washer to the dryer, I noticed one of her shirts and a pair of panties mixed in with my clothes.

I am pulled out of my reverie by the sound of Bella getting out of the shower. I quickly finish the last waffle and place it on her plate. I set both of our places and just finish pouring the orange juice when she emerges, toweling her hair dry. She lightly sniffs the air.

"Mmmmmm, Edward, this smells delicious," she tells me with a smile on her face.

"I hope you're hungry," I greet her as I give her a quick peck on the cheek and pass by to put the juice back into the fridge.

"Yes, I'm famished this morning." She sits down and begins shredding her waffle. She dips a piece in her yogurt and pops it in her mouth.

We both eat and joke around a little, having her here feels so easy. I like that we can have our own little bubble away from the world in each other. It makes everything else bearable.

We finish breakfast and she goes to get dressed while I get my shower. We've not talked about doing anything special today, but I thought that we might go to the Benzini Bros Circus, which just came into town. I always thought that those kinds of circuses didn't travel around on train and set up big tops anymore. I guess I am pleasantly mistaken.

I finish my shower and head in to the main room to see Bella all packed and ready to go. I give her a quizzical look before I approach.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I have something that I need to pick up for work. I'll be back in just a few hours, but I can't wait any longer to pick the items up," she explains to me.

I just smile at her. "Of course, Bella. Just call me when you are on your way back." (comma before Bella)

She smiles back, places a kiss on my cheek, and then she is out the door.

I sit on my couch for less than two minutes before I decide that I can't wait any longer. I head down the stairs and see her walking down the sidewalk. Staying at a good distance, I follow her on her errand. Something in the back of my mind is telling me that I am better off not knowing, but I don't listen. Soon she steps into a Staples store and I wait patiently for her to come back out.

I am almost ready to step in after her when she emerges, carrying a large package, nearly six feet long and two feet wide. I am surprised that she is able to manage as well as she is. I would offer to help her, but then I would have to explain why I am here. So instead, I wait.

She heads back toward my apartment but stops in an office building first. I am barely conscience that it is the same building that Isa works in.

When she comes back out, she no longer has the package. Well, at least now I know what building she works in. I can look at what offices are there when I go for my last session with Isa on Tuesday. Knowing I don't have much time, I take a short cut back to my building and barely make it there before Bella does.

-Bella-

I use my time alone running my little errand to do some overdue thinking. I love Edward, but sometimes it is difficult to think when we are together. Somehow, he always seems to tune into what my mood is, and I'm just not ready to talk to him about it yet.

It is driving me crazy that Edward keeps asking about my job. I feel so bad that I can't tell him something, that for anyone else, would be so simple. His last appointment is in two days. I have to tell him then, I just cannot see another way. I figure that if I do it like ripping off a band-aid, it won't be so bad. Although, come to think about it, the last time I ripped off a band-aid it hurt like crazy.

I am both looking forward to, and dreading telling him. I want this out in the open, it needs to be out there, but I fear his reaction. Is it greedy to want to be with him one more time before this comes between us? Will he use that against me when he learns the truth?

I really hope not.

After I pick up the props for Tuesday, I take them back to my office and then head back to Edward's apartment. I knock on the door and Edward answers almost immediately. He pulls me into a tight embrace and we stand there in his doorway for a few moments before deciding to go inside.

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" Edward asks me.

I take a moment to consider the options before I answer. "Actually I was thinking we could maybe play a game." His eyebrows raise in question. "How about chess?"

His smile turns to a smirk. "I have to warn you Bella, I'm a very good chess player."

"Hmmm. Well then, I guess I'll just have to level the playing field," I tell him as I move past him to get the chess set he keeps on his bookcase.

"And how exactly are you planning on doing that?" he asks, barely containing his laughter.

"Have you ever played strip chess Edward?" I ask over my shoulder.

When he doesn't answer I turn around to make sure everything is okay. Edward is just staring at me, as if he can't believe that I just said that.

"What?" I ask him.

"Strip chess?"

I nod my head in affirmation.

"Um, okay. How does it work?"

"It's very simple, if you lose a piece, you have to remove a piece of clothing."

"But Bella, there are more pieces than clothes. What happens when we run out of clothes?" he asks, generally confused.

I go up to him and place a kiss on his cheek. "Do you really think we'll still be playing chess by that time?"

He closes his eyes and smiles. If this is one of our last nights together, I want it to be something we will both remember.

Edward learns very quickly that when you are practically a shut in, you have lots of time to do things like perfect your chess game. I take him in less than 10 total moves and he is completely naked while I am only topless.

"Okay, Bella, you win," he tells me as he tips his king over, admitting checkmate.

"And to the winner, goes the spoils," I tell him as I lean over to kiss him. Our kiss deepens and soon I am just as naked as he is.

He is my home.

He is my hope.

He is my love.

He is my everything.

Suddenly I am even more nervous about Tuesday. If he leaves, he will take my everything with him.

With this thought, I hold on to him as tight as I can as we rock back and forth, chasing the feelings that continue to escape our lips in moans and whispers.

"Don't leave me," I beg as we are coming back down to reality.

"Never," he tells me as he gathers me in his arms and holds me closely.

I allow myself to believe it for tonight; at least I will have the memories.

**A/N: Thank you all for sticking with me so far, it's about to get bumpy from here. Isa's last treatment for Edward is coming up!**

**Don't be too mad at Edward for following her. He is really having a hard time trying to understand why she is keeping a secret from him.**

**Leave me some love.**

**Review=treaser. (And yes, the teaser will be something other than the prolouge. ;) I'm not that crazy.)**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: So here it is, the moment we've all been waiting for. I hope I don't disappoint.**

**Mesmerizeme is my totally amazing and awesome beta and comma queen! My story would be practically unreadable without her help. ILY bb!**

**Here we go...**

-Edward-

Being with Bella again was amazing. I am finally starting to feel whole again, and I know she is my missing piece.

We did not get to see much of each other on Monday because I was stuck working late and she said that she needed to finish a project for work. Apparently, this is a critical project for a very important client, so she would be busy for the next couple of nights. However, she did offer to make it up to me later.

So now, here I stand, with my keys in my hand, ready to walk out of the door to my appointment with Isa. My last appointment with Isa. In a strange and sick way, I am almost sad to see our sessions end. Between her and Bella, I am starting to see that there is more to life that holding on to my past and my guilt. Yes, it is all still there, but it no longer dictates my every move. I now see it as a sorrowful experience that, while horrifically unfortunate, cannot be changed now. Now I need to honor the memory of my friends and focus on my new relationship with Bella.

My relationship with Bella; is it too soon to tell her that I cannot stand the thought of being away from her? That I cannot stop touching her, in at least some small way, the entire time that we are together? That I no longer think in terms of 'me', but now 'we'? Is it too soon for me to ask if she feels the same?

There are times when I worry that Bella is just a figment of my imagination, that she is just too perfect for me. The girl whom I feel like I broke, whose breaking broke me, needs me to help bring her back to life.

I shake the thoughts from my head, why I decided to watch Shutter Island last night is beyond me. That movie was weird enough the first time.

With my keys in hand, I head out the door to my last appointment with Isa. I wonder what she has in store for me this time. Will she simply talk to me like she did at my consultation? Or will we have another session so she can observe my progress?

Knowing that I will find out soon enough, I decide to let come-what-may and trust Isa as I have so many times before.

As I enter Isa's building, I notice a directory sign, on it has several office names as well as names of the main individuals that work there. I quickly scan the names looking for Bella; however, her name is nowhere on the sign. Maybe she is a secretary or something like that for one of these offices? I notice that Isa's name is not one the directory either, neither is her office suite number. Maybe there are more offices here that choose to remain anonymous? Why would Bella be working for an office that needs to remain unlisted? I close my eyes and let out a heavy sigh, knowing that I will not get these answers tonight.

I make my way to Isa's office and smile at Angela as I enter. As usual, she is typing away at her computer.

"Good evening Angela," I greet her.

"Good evening Mr. Cullen. Please have a seat, Isa will be with you in just a moment," she replies with a smile on her face.

I turn to take a seat and notice that there is only one chair there. In fact, that majority of the sterile furniture that used to line the outer office seems to be missing.

"Angela, what happened to all of the furniture?" I ask as I take a seat.

"Since you are Isa's last client, Isa has either moved or sold the excess items. There is no need to keep them all since she is closing her practice," she explains.

"I thought you were taking over after she left?"

Angela laughs at my words. "Oh no, I am writing a paper on her revolutionary methods and I hope to someday continue her work, but right now, I need to finish my studies. I still have a little bit longer before I get my masters degree."

I am about to ask her how much longer she has when Isa's door opens and I see her beckon me inside. She is wearing a soft blue pants suit and her normal black veil. I follow her and see a devise that looks like a large X; there are fur lined leather straps attached to each ending point. In front of the 'X' are five different sized objects, a white sheet covering each. Isa motions to the basket and I once again remove my clothing down to my boxers and place them in the basket.

Isa leads me to the 'X' and moves me to face it. The center of the 'X' crossing right at my lower abdomen. She reaches for my left hand, moves it to the top strap, and encloses it around my wrist. She repeats the same with my other wrist and both of my ankles, securing me to the 'X'. On the table next to me is a leather paddle and I know that this object will be used on me tonight.

Suddenly, Angela enters the room and walks over to face me. I am a little embarrassed for her to see me this way, but I soon remember that this is her job.

"When Isa removes the sheet from each object, she would like you to name the object and then tell her your fondest memory concerning the particular object. The memory must be a happy one, nothing that involved hardship or sorrow," she explains before looking at me expectantly.

I nod my head in agreement, not understanding what is happening, but agreeing to do as I am told. I watch as well as I can as Angela departs the room and once again, it is just Isa and I.

Isa moves to the first object and removes the sheet. I am not sure what I had expected before, but this was certainly not it.

Before me is a nearly life size cardboard cutout of Alice, it reminds me of the cutouts you see at video stores of famous people. Alice would have loved that someone made one of her.

"Alice Brandon," I whisper. My voice chokes a little as I say her name and I realize that I have not uttered her name aloud in a very long time. How can I honor her if I can barely say her name?

I feel Isa whack my ass with the paddle, reminding me of the rest of my instructions.

"Alice was forever smiling. We used to joke that the day Alice stopped smiling was the day that the world would end." I take a deep breath as I allow myself to remember her, to really remember her.

"It's not like she was one of those annoyingly happy people or anything, she just always saw the bright side to everything and would do just about anything to help a friend. She told me one time that even rain clouds have a silver lining, you just need to look a little harder. I guess my fondest memory of her was when one of our classmates in home economics tripped and accidently spilled a jar of purple dye that she had been mixing all over me and my new shirt that Bella had gotten me. I was devastated, but Alice got us both excused from class and we headed off to the gym where I took a long shower, trying to scrub the dye out of my skin and hair while Alice tried to save my shirt. When I had finished I was able to get the dye off my skin, but my hair was a mess with splotches of purple everywhere.

"I was nearly in tears when I exited the locker room in my work out clothes. Before me was Alice, holding my stained shirt in a plastic bag. When she saw the disaster that was my hair, she smiled and took my hand. She told me that she knew what to do and we headed outside where her mother was waiting with the car. I guess she had called her while I was showering. Alice had her mom stop at Wal-Mart on the way to her house and was in and out in under 10 minutes. She wouldn't let me see what was in the bag, instead asking me to trust her.

"When we returned to her house, she took me upstairs and sat me down on a metal folding chair that she brought into the bathroom. She pulled the first item out of the bag and I noticed that it was a box of purple hair dye. I told her that I would just shave my head, but Alice insisted that my head would just be dyed in the same pattern as my hair currently was. So, I let her work the dye into my hair. She brought me her gameboy with a game and told me to stay there for 20 minutes while the dye set, then she ran off. When she returned, she told me to go rinse my hair out and to not stop until the water came out of my hair completely clear. Once I was done, I stepped out and looked at my hair. Sure enough, it was now a bright purple. I still wanted to shave my head, but Alice asked me to trust her, so I did.

The next day, I got to school and got the weirdest looks from my classmates, even my girlfriend Bella was unsure how to take my new look. That is until Alice walked in with the same shade of hair as I currently had. She had dyed her hair as well so I wouldn't feel so out of place. Then, she handed me my shirt. It was originally a white T-shirt that said 'I am awesome' on it. Now it was tie dyed and the words 'I am' was crossed out and the name 'Bella is' were written just above. I gave her a huge hug and went to the bathroom to change into the new shirt. Everyone, including my girlfriend, loved it and by the next week, six other kids had dyed their hair purple too. Alice and I even got our pictures in the yearbook for starting the trend." I was near laughing by the time I had finished my story. I looked over at Isa and she replaced the sheet over Alice, she removed the next sheet and revealed Emmett.

"Emmett McCarty," I whisper, and just like that, I am once again struggling with the emotions that are flooding my mind. Once again, I feel the sting of the paddle as I launch into my favorite memory of Emmett.

"Emmett was a practical joker, a very patient one at that. He would wait until your guard was down, then strike. I remember that he and his mom were always involved in prank wars every April first. It had almost gotten to the point where it was dangerous to enter their house on that day. So when Emmett's mom asked me to help prank him one year I was really hesitant, but I couldn't resist getting him back for all of the pranks that he pulled on me.

"Emmett was a very hard sleeper; you could set off a barrel of fireworks in his room and he would just sleep right on through it. The only thing that got him up in the morning was breakfast. So on the night before April fools, Emmett's mom and I snuck into his room and replaced everything in his room with a pretty princess bedroom set. He already had white sheets on his bed, so we changed his comforter and used shaped sponges to stamp pink paint hearts on his sheets all around where he was sleeping; we even sprinkled glitter on them. Then we took all of his clothing out of his closet and dresser drawers and replaced them with pink and white tights, leotards and tutus. I have no idea where his mom got these things in his size, but I couldn t wait to see it in the morning. To top it all off, she took down his entire collector s edition Transformers and replaced them with ballerina figurines. She then locked all of his stuff in the basement, knowing that she left for work before he would get up for school.

"The next morning, Emmett came to school dressed in a white leotard, white tights and a pink tutu. No one could contain their laughter, but Emmett would not be bested. He must have seen me looking for him and took that as a sign that I had something to do with it, because he walked right toward me very loudly calling me his Prince Charming, asking me to the prom and planting a very wet and sloppy kiss right on my mouth. From then on I was stuck with the nickname Prince Charming."

Isa once again covers Emmett and reveals Jasper Whitlock. I say his name a little louder, a little stronger this time and am again jolted forward with a whack from the paddle.

"Jasper had an affinity for historical political science. He loved to try to get into the heads of historical figures and figure out why they made the decisions that they did. So when he got assigned a paper in his social studies class about the cultural influences of George IV, he was ready to get started. He spent nearly the entire week that we had for the assignment either locked in his room or making notes in his notebook. When it came time to turn in the report, Jasper was full of pride as he turned in his notebook. He had filled up almost half of the notebook when more kids only wrote a few pages.

"The next week when we got our grades back, the teacher asked if she could share a few words from Jasper's report. He was very excited that she had chosen his to share with the class. That is until she started reading it. Apparently he had been keeping a separate notebook as a journal to outpour his feelings for Alice, feelings that he wasn't ready to tell her himself. Anyway, he accidently handed in that notebook instead. Jasper groaned loudly as the teacher read from his notebook his words about how he would be willing to do anything for her. Although in his notebook, he called her by her first name, the name she never used, Mary. I guess he used that name in case she ever found the notebook he could play it off. Of course, Alice was in our class and heard everything the teacher said.

"When the teacher finished, she told the class that Jasper had done an amazing job of capturing George IV's feelings toward the actress Mary Robinson, who was his first mistress and a trend setter herself; apparently she was also a bit of a slut. The next day Jasper and Alice announced that they were officially dating. Later we had to go break into the school to get the notebook back when we found out that the teacher was planning to show it to Jasper's parents at the parent teacher conference coming up. We nearly got caught by the grounds keeper, but we got out just in time."

Again, Isa covered the cut out and removed the sheet from the next one, revealing Rosalie Hale. I stated her name and again felt the sting of the paddle bringing me into the moment.

"Rosalie and I didn't get along too well in the beginning. I mean we were all friends, but she and I never really felt close, not like I did with Bella and Alice. We just didn't have much in common. But I will never forget the time that we all went to the Fourth of July celebration at the county park. They had set up games and rides and all sorts of vendors selling everything you could think of. Bella and Alice wanted to ride the tilt-a-whirl but I had just eaten so I stayed behind. Rose didn't feel like watching Emmett and Jasper get into a deep fried Twinkie eating contest, so the two of us were left alone together with nothing much to do.

"We wandered around a little and found out that there was a classic car show towards the far end of the park. Knowing that Rose had a thing for classic cars, I offered to go with her. When we got there, Rose's eyes lit up at all of the cars laid out before us. They ranged from cars from the prohibition era to supped up street racers like in The Fast and the Furious. As we went down looking at each car, I enjoyed the look and feel of each, but Rose was in sensory heaven. However, every person there kept coming up to me and wanting to talk to me about what I thought about the cars. Every time Rose would try to say something, they would brush her off, sometimes physically and then return to talk to me even though I would tell them that I wasn't that big into cars.

"Finally, Rose had enough and she very loudly started pointing out all of the faults from any car that she saw. She asked why there was a Mazda headlight on a classic Rolls Royce; she pointed out that one car's NOS system was installed wrong and liable to blow the car up if it was ever used; and she told someone that the color they painted their classic car was never offered on that model. In short, by the time she was done the guys there looked like they either wanted to kill her or take her home to bed. I earned a new respect for Rose and she earned countless invitations to upcoming car shows."

Isa placed the sheet back over Rose and finally pulled away the last one. Before me stood a cut out of my Bella, standing beautiful, forever 17.

"Bella Swan," I reply, waiting for the now familiar slap from the paddle. It came down hard and I easily brought out my favorite memory of her.

"My favorite memory is when Bella and I first said that we loved each other. We were maybe six at the time, neither of us had started to notice the opposite sex but we were still drawn to each other. I was learning to act like a tough boy, but I still yearned for the warmth that came from my mom's hugs and kisses. I didn't want to be teased by everyone so I pulled away from my mom when she tried to embrace me. Bella and I hadn't really hugged, I mean we did short little friend hugs, but nothing longer than a second or two. Sometimes we would hold hands and sit close to each other when we were out playing. She was my warm comfort, and I missed her when she wasn't around. I didn't have to be the tough guy around her, although I did try it out to impress her.

"I had just gotten done talking to my grandparents when Bella called me to tell me about her birthday party coming up that weekend, without thinking I said I love you with my goodbye when I hung up the phone. I didn't realize until a few minutes later what I had said but I didn't regret it. Bella was like family to me, like my favorite cousin or something; I was allowed to love her if I wanted.

"One day we were holding hands and skipping down the sidewalk when some kids from school came up to us. They were bullies and Bella and I knew it. They started teasing us about holding hands, I wanted to let go but Bella tightened her grip. There was a girl in the group that came up to me and said that she was going to steal me away from Bella, and that I was going to be her boyfriend. She was somewhat cute I guess, but she smelled strange and always had her hair in pigtails, I didn't really like pig tails. Before the girl could get too much closer, Bella pushed her to the ground and stood over her as she told her that I loved her and that the other girl couldn't have me. Then she told them all that someday we were going to get married and have lots of babies who were going to kick her kid's butts.

"The other kids took off when Bella threatened them too and I just stood there gawking at Bella. I asked her if she meant what she said about marriage, and she told me that she did. She said because I told her I loved her, that she had to love me too, which meant that we would get married and have babies, at least that is what the Disney movies said. My face scrunched up at the mention of all of the Disney movies that Bella liked too much, but at the same time I couldn't help but think that Bella would make a pretty princess."

Isa covers Bella's picture again and returns behind me, where she proceeds to continue my paddling.

Whack...

Whack...

Whack...

Whack...

Whack...

I am in tears before the tenth slap on my ass even hits. This is much better than when I first started. Before I could barely make it to two slaps before I broke down. Now, rather than make me feel better, the beatings mainly hurt a lot. I still feel the release of guilt, but I find myself having to work up to it.

Five slaps, that is all that Isa will allow once she sees my tears, enough to get me to let go and cry my eyes out. My mother always told me that sometimes she just needed a good cry to make her feel better. I never understood until Isa. I didn't understand a lot before Isa came into my life.

Once I am done sobbing in Isa's arms, she softly kisses the top of my head through her veil. Isa is no nonsense, get spanked, sob and go home. She is a nameless, faceless deliverer of justice.

I get dressed and start to leave when Isa grasps my wrist before I can reach the door handle.

"You are very close to being healed, Edward," she tells me in a raspy voice. It almost sounds as though she has been crying herself. I am shocked to hear her speak at all. I realize that until this moment I have never heard Isa's voice.

"How can you tell?" I turn to face her, awaiting her answer.

I watch, transfixed, as Isa bows her head and raises her hands to her veil, lifting it up and over her head.

"Because, Edward, you are close to believing me when I say that I forgive you."

I stare at her in curiosity for only a fraction of a second before she raises her head and looks me in the eyes.

No!

It can't be!

"Bella?" I ask, not wanting to trust my eyes. Memories begin to flash before my eyes and across my ears; signs that I paid no attention to before. How Isa only showed up in my life after I disclosed my problems to Bella. How Isa seemed to know exactly what I needed to go through to be as close to the real thing as possible. How Bella never complained when I had to be gone on Tuesday nights. How she didn't seem upset when I told her about Isa. Why she would never tell me what she did for a living.

The thoughts flash through my head, but I give no real effort to listening to them. The sound of my pounding heart and the woman standing before me drown it all out.

"I, I don't understand," I tell her. "What are you doing here?"

"This is my job Edward, this is what I do. This is why I couldn't tell you when you asked," she tells me. I notice that she has made no move towards me and I see that she is waiting for me to run away. A large part of me wants to, but my feet seem to be frozen to the floor.

"You're, you're Isa?" I ask, still trying to process what she is trying to tell me.

"Yes Edward, I am Isa. Please let me explain, I want you to know everything."

I stumble back and sit in a nearby chair, my body no longer having the strength to stand. Bella begins to tell me her story, I listen mechanically, hearing her words but not really allowing them to sink in.

"After the fire, I was practically a shut in. I barely went outside my door. I had all of my groceries and things delivered and spent my day watching things like the discovery channel and science fiction movies. I didn't really talk to anyone and got a job as a telemarketer where I could work from home. One day on a rare trip out, because the person that normally did my grocery shopping was ill, I was accosted by a man in the street. He was going to rape me, but something in me snapped and I turned the tables on him and spanked him. He collapsed in tears and I ran away. Later I saw the man again and he told me that what I did actually helped him; it was like a wakeup call. So I created Isa, to help others, but also to help me. I was so angry at the world for what happened that night, the night of the fire. I never blamed you Edward, but I had nowhere else for my anger to go, so it went to everyone.

"When I saw you that first day, I was not going to say anything to you. I was going to let you be and just watch you from afar. But then you approached me and you wouldn't take no for an answer. I saw in you what I had seen in so many of my clients. I knew that I could help you and I fooled myself into thinking that I could keep everything separate. But then you crawled into my life and I found that I had to be near you. It became harder and harder to be with you and be Isa to you, but I saw the changes in you and I knew that I owed it to you to continue, even if you ended up hating me for it.

"What I didn't expect was for you to heal me, to bring me back to life, to show me that I was still a beautiful woman, at least to you. You took away my anger and helped me to move on. I knew that I couldn't be Isa anymore, not after I had finished with your treatments. So I am quitting this, after tonight there is no more Isa, only Bella. I understand if you never want to see me again Edward. Just know that I do love you, and I only did what I did because I love you." She walks to where I am sitting, bends down so that she is face to face with me, and moves her hand to my cheek. "Just please don't hate me Edward, and if you do, don't tell me. I couldn't bear it."

No matter how I feel, I can't hurt her, but I also cannot stay here with her.

"I need time to process this Bella." She stands up and backs away slightly.

"I understand," she answers. Without another word, I stand up and walk out of the office.

I walk out into the main area and see Angela staring at me. When she sees me looking at her, she quickly looks away. It occurs to me that I will be part of her paper; suddenly I feel very used.

Without acknowledging anyone, I head home and book the next flight leaving Seattle. I don't pack anything, taking only the clothes on my back and the items in my pockets.

As the plane takes off, I stare out the window, still not able to process what has just happened.

**A/N: Whew, the longest chapter I have every written. We'll hear from Bella next chapter and find out where Edward ended up going.**

**I hope you all enjoyed it, leave me some love if you did.**

**Review=Teaser!**

**See you all next week.**


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: It is amazing how many of you put Edward on the plane to see him mom. I guess you'll have to read on to find out if you were right. And I got so many mixed emotions about how Edward reacted, especially about him knowing about Angela's paper. All I can ask is that you trust me.**

**Who all saw the leaked Breaking Dawn pics? OME! I can't wait for November!**

**Mesmerizeme - I totes love you bb!**

**Twilight is not mine. :(**

-Bella-

He walked away.

Edward Cullen walked away.

He asked me for time and then walked out. Never in all the time since we have reconnected did he walk away. He was always the one to stay and sort it out; but then, this secret has been hanging over us that whole time too and now he knows it.

I let him walk out the door.

Now, here I stand, feet glued to the floor and I can't move. I can't breathe.

I hear the door open and I spin around to look, hoping with everything that I have that it is him. However, I only see Angela at the door. She holds her arms out to me and before I can even think, I am in her arms, sobbing like a baby.

"I know Bella, I know," she keeps telling me as she gently smoothes my hair away from my tear-streaked face.

"He's gone." It is all I can seem to say. No other words seem important right now.

I hold on to her for what seems like forever. I am afraid to leave, hoping against everything that he will walk back in that door and tell me that it doesn't matter, that we can work it out. Even if he comes back in yelling furiously, at least he would be back. Anything would be better than this emptiness he has left in his wake.

Finally, Angela pulls away and forces me to look at her.

"You're coming home with me. You are in no condition to be by yourself tonight."

I simply nod, I honestly don't know what to do right now. All of my concentration is on remembering how to breathe without him, something at which I am failing.

Angela tells me to go change while she packs up the rest of the small things. A moving company will come to pick up the rest in the morning. My lease goes until the end of the week and then this office will go to someone else. I wonder if my heartache will remain here, in the walls, like a shadow of past events.

I allow that thought to depart my mind, I have no desire to think about the future right now. I slowly change into my regular clothing and fold up Isa's suit and veil for the last time.

I walk out into the reception area and see Angela ready and waiting for me. We walk down the stairs and out the door to her car. She loads the trunk and checks to see that I am wearing my seat belt and ready to go. She tries to get me to eat something on the way there, but I can't even think about food right now. Not when my heart is hurting so much.

That night, I lay on Angela's couch and try to sleep, but the tears keep getting in the way.

-Edward-

"Welcome to Chicago/O'Hare International Airport. The current temperature is 47 degrees and the local time is 3 am. Thank you for flying with American Airlines." The voice on the speaker tries to sound chipper, but it just comes off as tired. I guess that is what happens when you take the red eye. The other passengers on the plane are starting to wake up, all 12 of them.

I sit quietly as I wait for the fasten seat belt sign to turn off before I depart the plane and head straight for the taxi stand; I know I am going to pay a fortune this time of morning, but I really don't care.

I give the man my parent's address and sit back as he takes off. The roads are clear this time of morning, so the drive is short. I pay the man and look at my watch, 4:30 am, my father should be getting up soon to get ready for work. Not wanting to disturb them yet, I walk up the front porch, grab the blanket my mother always keeps in the storage box and lay down on the porch swing. I have to curl up to fit, but I don't mind; besides, it's warmer this way.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I hear is my father calling for my mother to come outside. I open my eyes to see my father looking at me frantically and my mother rushing out the door in her robe.

"Edward son, can you hear me?" my father asks me. I sit up a little and try to answer him, but my throat is dry and scratchy, so the words are lost before they even have a change to escape.

"Carlisle, bring him in the house," my mother says and she rushes back in the house. My father helps me stand upright and we walk back in the house together. I feel like I am in a cloud, dulling all of my senses.

My father helps me sit down on the couch and I pull the blanket tighter around me. I am not really cold, but I feel safe in the soft, warm blanket, and I am not yet ready to leave that feeling.

My mother comes over and sets down a huge mug of hot chocolate in front of me; there are several marshmallows floating at the top. Sitting down on the couch, she takes me in her arms and slowly rocks me back in forth in a soothing manner. She pulls my head down to rest on her chest and gently kisses my forehead.

"Go ahead and go to work Carlisle, I'll call you if we need anything," my mother tells my father. I can hear the hesitation in his voice as he asks her if she is sure. "Yes dear, you have patients to attend to; I will stay home and take care of Edward." Finally relenting, my father reaches out and gives my shoulder a squeeze before he grabs his suitcase and leaves.

"Edward, you need to drink your hot chocolate before it gets cold," my mother admonishes, and like any son would to his mother's words, I obey. The cocoa is soothing as it slides down my throat and it helps bring me back to life, at least a little. I look to my mother and she is smiling encouragingly at me. She has seen me like this before, on the anniversary of the fire, but then it was always the guilt that took me over. I can't really name the feeling this time, all I can do is feel the very large hole in my chest, the one that Bella has been occupying.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she gently asks. I think for a moment. How do I tell her? I will have to tell her everything, about Isa and her treatments, about how close Bella and I have become, about what happened last night.

Will she understand? Or will she get upset? She is still friends with Bella; will this ruin that? I can't do that to Bella, I can't take away one of the few friends she has left.

However, my mother is expecting an answer, and I know she will want to know what happened sooner or later. I am sure by now she has probably figured out that it has something to do with Bella. Will she call her and ask her if I don't say anything?

"I don't know," I finally answer her.

She nods her head in understanding. "That's okay hunny, why don't you go and take a shower and get into some clean clothes, you still have some here in your old room, of course. I'll make some breakfast while you re doing that." I start to stand up, but am forced to sit back down when I realize that she may call Bella while I am gone. I wonder if coming home was the right thing to do.

"Mom?" I start.

"Hmmm?"

"We will talk about this when I get back, but can you please not call Bella asking for details?" I request, hoping that she will listen and not call Bella for sure since I mentioned it.

She smiles warmly. "Of course, Edward, but please remember that Bella is like a daughter to me, and if this involves her as well I will want to call her later to make sure that she is okay." My face falls a little, I have no idea if she is okay or not and I am torn between being angry that I do not know and being angry that I want to know. "She is okay, right, Edward?" My mom asks.

"I honestly don't know mom," I tell her as I turn to walk away.

-Esme-

I watch as Edward walks up the stairs to his old room. I knew from the moment we found him outside, that this probably involved Bella. But the last I heard, they were doing great and in love with each other. What could cause Edward to run back here in the middle of the night? Bella has never stopped loving Edward, so I know that she would never do anything intentionally to hurt him.

Edward asked me to not call her asking for details, but he didn't say that I couldn't check up on her. Waiting for the pan to heat up, I pick up the phone and dial her number. It rings twice before I hear her near frantic voice.

"Edward?"

I sigh to myself; he didn't even tell her where he was going. "No sweetie, it's Esme. Edward is taking a shower right now."

"Oh, okay." She seems disappointed that Edward is not the one calling.

"Listen sweetie, Edward asked me to not ask you about what happened, and I will respect his wishes, but I wanted to make sure that you were okay. No matter what has happened between you and my son, I still care about you."

I hear Bella sniffle on the other end and can tell that she has been crying for quite some time.

"Oh Esme! I screwed up! I screwed up bad and I am afraid that Edward will never want me again, and that when you hear the story that you will hate me too!" she exclaims and breaks down crying.

"Shhh hunny, I could never hate you. I am sure you had a good reason for whatever happened."

"I did Esme, I really did." She stops for a minute to cry some more. "I should have kept my mouth shut. I never should have told him."

"Oh sweetie, secrets have a way of destroying a relationship. If you hadn't told him, it would have come out eventually. No one can keep a secret from the one they love for long. At least now that it is out, you can deal with it and move forward."

Her crying slows and I can only hope she is feeling at least a little better.

"Do you have someone to stay with Bella?" I ask her.

"Um, yes. I am staying with a friend right now." I sigh in relief.

"Okay good. Listen Edward will be back down soon so I will have to call you later. Everything will work out dear, I just know it."

"I really hope so Esme. Thank you for calling and, um, I love you." I can hear her tear up again as she says this.

"I love you too Bella," I tell her truthfully before I hang up the phone and go back to making breakfast. Edward comes down a few minutes later looking a little more human, but still on autopilot. I serve the food and we both sit down at the table.

Edward closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath before opening them and looking at me.

"It all started when I introduced myself to a pretty girl with her face buried in a book."

**A/N: Okay, so I guess Edward really is a mama's boy. How do you all feel about how has Esme handled things so far?**

**By the way, the Quickie competition voting has started! I've got a story or two in there, can't tell you which one. But the stories there are amazing! They are all under 500 words so take a moment ot hop on over, read a few, and vote for you faves!**

**The URL is (fanfiction.)net/u/2773975/QuickieContest - take out the ()**

**Leave me some love and I'll see you all next week!**

**Review=teaser**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Happy Saturday everyone! **

**A HUGE thank you to Mesmerizeme for getting this back to be dispite her crazy schedule. You rock babe!**

**Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine. :(**

-Esme-

I listen closely as Edward tells me his story; how he fell in love with Bella all over again, his treatments with the mysterious woman Isa, and how he thought that he was finally given the life he thought he would never have. I think back to Bella s words when we had spoken on the phone.

"I never should have told him," she had said.

Was she a client of this Isa person as well? What did she have to feel guilty about? I want to voice my opinion, but I stay silent, hoping that Edward will tell me himself as he finishes his story.

"So, last night was my last treatment with Isa," Edward continues. "It was pretty intense, but not as much as before. After that treatment, I knew that I was on my way to healing; I was far enough that things like conventional therapy could actually work on me. I couldn't wait to get home and tell Bella." He pauses and looks away for a moment, reigning in his emotions. "But I didn't have to go home to tell her, she already knew."

"What do you mean Edward?" I asked him.

"Isa spoke to me last night. She never speaks, but last night she did, to tell me that I was almost healed. Then she showed me her face, and there before me, was my Bella." Tears begin to well in his eyes as he continues. "It was her all along mother; Bella was Isa."

"Well that explains a few things," I tell him. He looks up at me with pure confusion in his eyes.

"Explains what?" he asks.

"Why Bella called me that night to come to you, why she didn't want me to give her away at the sandwich shop, why she was crying her eyes out on the phone only an hour ago," I list off. After hearing all the good that Isa did for Edward, I can't hate Bella for it, and I don't really think that Edward does either.

"You called her?" Edward shouts as he bolts upright from the couch.

"Yes I did," I tell him proudly. Apparently he didn't think I would call her before he told me his story. "I didn't ask her for details like you asked, but I did make sure that she is okay. Bella is like a daughter to me, she always has been. I respected your wishes, but I will not abandon her."

-Edward-

My mother's words hit me like a blow to the stomach. Did I abandon Bella? I told her over and over that I would never leave her, and when things got tough, I up and left. She could have kept silent, and I never would have known. Do her other clients know who she is? Did she make friends with them as Isabella to help them heal too? So many questions in my head and only one person can answer them. Bella. I sit back down as these thoughts rush through my mind.

"I have to go back," I finally admit.

"You can buy a plane ticket, but the first thing I think you need to do is call her. She needs some sort of news from you," she tells me, and I know that she is right.

I nod my head and walk over to where the phone is in the kitchen. I pick it up and slowly dial her number. What if she doesn't pick up? What if she does? I finish punching in her number and hear the phone ringing. It rings three times before someone answers.

"Hello?" My heart nearly breaks hearing her frail voice over the phone. I can tell that she is hurting so much and I know that I am the only one that can fix it.

"Bella...," I start, not knowing exactly what to say.

"Edward?" Her voice picks up, relieved and panicked at the same time.

"We need to talk," I tell her.

"Yes, we do." I can hear her sniffling in the background. "I never meant to hurt you."

"I know."

"Are you coming back?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"I don't know yet, soon."

"Do you want me to pick you up at the airport?"

"No, there is something I need to do before we talk. But I will call you when I get in so we can get together to talk."

"Okay."

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"I can't stop loving you, and I don't want to."

Her sobs fill the background of our phone call.

"Thank you, Edward. You don't know how much I needed to hear that."

"I'm going to go now."

"Okay I'll see you soon."

"Goodbye, Bella."

"Goodbye, Edward."

I hang up the phone, unsure if I feel better or not. So many questions and no answers are making me dizzy. I hear footsteps behind me and turn to see my mother standing in the doorway.

"I should never have been too eager to know what her job was. Maybe then she wouldn't have told me," I say as I take a seat at the kitchen table. My mother takes the seat across from me.

"Edward, there was nothing wrong with wanting to know what she did for her job. That is a normal thing for friends and lovers alike to want to know," my mother began. "But wishing she had never told you is not going to help you now. What would have happened if years down the line you would have found out on your own? Would you have been able to handle what you feel any better then? At least she told you; she let you into that last part of her life."

"I know, it's just hard to know what is real and what is not," I answer her truthfully.

"And the only one that can answer that for you is Bella. She holds your answers, not you, me or anyone else in the world, just her." Hearing my mother's words and knowing that she is right only fuels my need to get back and talk to Bella.

"I need to get my plane ticket; I want to get back soon."

My mother nods and offers to fix me a lunch to take to the airport for on my flight. I gratefully accept as I go to search for the next flight back to Seattle.

Two hours later, I am sitting at the airport waiting for my flight. Last night I ran away, today I'm running home. I just hope there is still a home to run to.

-Bella-

I am so relieved after I speak with Esme, at least he is somewhere safe. I cannot help wondering what this secret will do to my relationship with Edward's mother. She has been my friend for as long as I can remember, I would hate to lose her now. If it was anyone other than her son I would have no reason to worry, but the fact is that it was Edward that I was doing those things to; that I made cry and go through horrible pain. Yes he asked for it, yes he needed it, but I don't know if that is enough for a mother. I don't think it would be enough for me if it happened to my child.

And then Edward called. His voice was so monotone, like he had locked all of his emotion away. He is coming back to talk, that fact both scares and thrills me. All I can give him is the answers that I have. I hope that is enough. He says that he still loves me, I hope that is enough as well.

I try not to worry about the future; if I do, I won't get any sleep tonight. I am getting ready for bed when my phone rings.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hey Bella, it's Angela. I just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing." I sigh, thankful that I have such a good friend.

"Is it weird that I want to break into his apartment and sleep on his couch?" I ask, only half joking.

I hear her laughing in the background. "I understand sweetie, but you'll hear from him soon, I can just feel it."

"Actually, I talked to him just a little while ago," I tell her. "He is coming back to Seattle so we can talk about this."

"Did he sound mad about it?" She sounded hesitant to ask, but I know it is only because she cares.

"No, just detached." That was putting it mildly.

"It's a big bomb that was dropped on him. He'll come around, you'll see." Her faith in Edward's and my relationship makes me smile.

"I hope so. Well, I'm off to bed."

"Okay, goodnight, Bella. Call me if you need anything."

"I will, thanks, Angela."

I hang up the phone and head back toward my bedroom. As I pass the living room, my eyes fall upon my couch. It's not the same, but for tonight it will do. I quickly grab my pillow and my blanket and after setting my alarm, settle down for the night on my recliner couch.

**A/N: Okay, so he's going back! Anyone want to guess what he needs to do before he goes to see Bella? **

**Have a great weekend!**

**Review = Teaser!**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Most of you were pretty close as to where he was headed! ;-)**

**Mesmerizeme is a totally awesome beta! My comma queen!**

**Twilight is not mine. :(**

**Enjoy:**

-Edward-

I can feel my entire being tense up as the cab pulls up into the once familiar neighborhood. I wonder briefly if someone would recognize me, it seems like a lifetime has passed since I was last here.

The cab pulls up to my destination and I hand the driver my money before stepping out onto the curb. I look around and feel the cool breeze across my face; it contrasts the hot sun beating down. It is an unusually warm day with hardly any clouds in sight.

I make my way to the one place I said that I would never go to, the one place that was always too painful.

Alice's old house.

The burnt down house had been torn down and a memorial park had been put in its place on the lot. The park is from our graduating class at Fork's High School. It is very pretty with benches and a few new trees, there is even a small play area for kids. Near where the front door of the house used to be is a dedication plaque.

Dedicated in loving memory to:

Alice Brandon

Rosalie Hale

Emmett McCarty

Jasper Whitlock

Whose bright lights were extinguished all too soon. They are forever in our hearts. We miss you

Fork's High School

Class of 2003

I am surprised to see another plaque near it, just off to the side. It reads:

In dedication to:

Isabella Swan

Edward Cullen

For carrying on, for living your dreams, and for not giving up.

The Brandons, The Hales, The McCartys and the Whitlocks.

My eyes fill with tears and I let them flow freely. They don t blame me, they don't hate me like I had always feared that they did. I always assumed that the families of my friends resented me because of what happened. Now I know better and the relief that I feel is incomparable to anything I have ever known.

I look up and spot the old oak tree that grew in the back yard. It somehow escaped the flames that night. Sitting in that tree is the old tree house that Alice's father had built for her when she was eight. Alice was all about being a princess and wanted a tall tower to look down upon her subjects. The tree house is pink and has hearts all over it, but even though it is girly, it served as an impenetrable fortress in many an imaginary battle. Later, it served as a great place to hide and make out.

I find myself being drawn to the tree and upon finding the rope ladder still attached, I climb up the tree and step inside.

The inside is completely empty, the only evidence that we were ever here is the things we had carved into the wood. I pass my fingers over each one as I read them.

_Emmett was here_

_Alice rules_

_Edward and Bella forever_

_Girls stink (crossed out). Boys smell_

_Rosalie McCarty_

_Jasper is HOT_

_I love beans_

_Go Spartans_

I sit down, cross my legs, and close my eyes. I lean back against the wall and let the memories of this tree house flood my mind. I can almost hear the laughter of my friends, as if I could open my eyes and they would be there in front of me, asking me to come and play.

I am interrupted by the sound of someone climbing the ladder up to the tree house. I quickly wipe the tears from my eyes and prepare to greet whoever is coming up.

A young woman enters the tree house, her hair is short and black her eyes are piercing blue. Her eyes remind me of Alice, and I have to remind myself that it is not her.

"Hi," she starts. "I'm Ashley." She reaches out her hand and I take it in mine, shaking it in greeting.

"Hello, I'm Edward Cullen," I reply.

"Oh, I knew that. You were Alice's friend." She must notice the confused look on my face since she continues her explanation, "Alice was my cousin."

"Oh," I say. I've not seen any of my friend's families since I left Forks, and even though the plaque says otherwise, there is still a part of me that is waiting for her to start yelling and screaming at me.

"You know, Alice talked about you a lot," she says while taking a seat next to me. "Not as much as Jasper, but you two seemed really close." (

"Yes, she was like a little sister to me," I tell her. "Annoying as hell sometimes, but an amazing friend."

Ashley laughs at my description and nods her head.

"You tried to pull her from the fire that night didn't you?" she asks in a whisper.

"Yes, I did. But I was too late." I hang my head in regret.

"Thanks," she says. My head jerks up to look at her; I see nothing but sincerity on her face. "Thank you for trying. The firefighters told us how they had to pull you away from the house, and then later from their bodies. You just weren't ready to let them go."

"No I wasn't."

"You need to, you know; let them go. I know if Alice were here, she would want you to go and live your life. Not sit around moping about something you can't change." I realize that she is right. "I am sure that all of them would say that."

I wonder for a moment if Bella would say that, and then I realize that she already has. That is what Isa was doing for me, helping me to let go, to move on.

Bella did what she did because I couldn't do it for myself. I needed to find the forgiveness in myself before I could accept it from others.

I look up at Ashley, her smile encouraging. "I think they already have."

Her smile beams and I can see an all too familiar sparkle in her eyes. The sparkle that I saw every day in Alice's eyes.

"I'd better go, I have some living to do," I tell her as I move to stand up.

Suddenly she lunges at me, wraps me in a big hug, and kisses me softly on the cheek. She pulls away from the embrace almost as quickly as she started it.

"I'm sorry. I'm not sure where that came from," she tells me as a faint blush creeps over her cheeks. I notice that the sparkle in her eyes, while not gone, is definitely different. It is no longer Alice's sparkle.

"Don't be sorry," I say, smiling at her. With one last goodbye and a quick look around the tree house, I climb back down and call a cab. The time has finally come for me to move forward.

When the cab arrives, I give him my address and settle in for the long drive back to Seattle.

I take in the scenery as I leave Forks. Memories invade my mind as I pass places like the diner, the drug store and even the bus stop. When we pass the 'Now Leaving Forks' sign, I almost feel sad to leave, hesitant, as if I am leaving something behind. I turn to look behind the cab and see the 'Welcome to Forks' sign. Next to it, I can see my friends, waving farewell. I blink and they are gone. I think I have finally let them go.

I must have fallen asleep because before I know it, the driver is telling me that we have arrived. I fumble in my wallet for payment and exit the vehicle. I want nothing more than to rush straight over to Bella but I don't know where she lives.

I rush up to my apartment and take a quick shower before calling Bella. I dial her number and she picks up almost immediately.

"Edward?" she asks.

"Hello, Bella," I sigh into the phone, just hearing her voice comforts me.

"You're back." It's not a question, just an observation, but I feel compelled to answer it anyway.

"Yes, I am," I tell her. "Can we talk?"

"I just finished making some tea, would you like to come over? I can make more." I smile at her invitation. I had never realized how much tension was between us before because of her secret. However, now that I know, now that she has let me in, I can see it. How hard was it for her, to always hold me at arms length? To want so much to let me in, but unable to?

"I'd love that Bella," I reply. "Can I have your address?"

She rattles off her address and I jot it down on a nearby notepad. I notice that it is only a few buildings down from where I had my treatments with Isa.

"I'll be there soon."

"Okay, Edward. I'll see you then." I can hear the nervousness in her voice. I kick myself mentally knowing that I am the cause of that nervousness. Grabbing my keys, I head out the door.

-Bella-

I place the phone back on the cradle and just stare at it for a moment. Is it my imagination that Edward didn't sound hollow like he did before? I wonder what has changed since the morning.

I look around and notice that my apartment is a mess. Half drank cups of tea litter my living room and empty frozen meals and junk food bags adorn the kitchen. I begin to pick things up when I notice my reflection in the television. I look horrible; my hair is all over the place and my clothes are baggy and not at all flattering.

With a new determination, I quickly rush around the apartment picking up all of the dishes and trash. I load the dishwasher, take out the garbage, make the bed, and quickly hop into the shower. I silently pray that tonight will end in happiness, and not sorrow.

I finish getting dressed and I put the tea kettle back on the stove when I hear the doorbell ring. I take a deep breath and gather my wits. It takes everything I have not to run for the door. With deliberate slowness, I open the door.

**A/N: I hope you all liked his little moment of finally letting go. It's been a long time coming huh?**

**Next up, Edward and Bella get into the heavy. See you all next week and don't forget to leave some love.**

**Review=Teaser!**


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: Mezz rocks my socks off! And replaces them with commas.**

**I don't own it. :(**

-Edward-

I am practically sprinting toward Bella's apartment when a window display catches my eye. Normally I am not one to browse the shops, especially when I am in a hurry to get the love of my life back, but after the tree house, I cannot ignore something that jumps out at me so blatantly. With a feeling that this stop will not be in vain, I enter the store.

Fifteen minutes later, I am back on my way, a little heavier in the pocket, and a little lighter in the wallet. I reach Bella's building and take the stairs two at a time until I reach her floor. Looking at the numbers on the doors, I count down the hall until I come to hers.

I knock on the door and stand back as I wait for her to answer. Bella pulls the door open, as wide as it will go. I can see the look of vulnerability on her face, but a look of hope is there as well. She is letting me in, no secrets, no hiding, she stands before me open and waiting.

I step forward and wrap my arms around her, pulling her tight against me.

"I'm sorry."

It takes me a moment to realize that Bella has just uttered those words, and not I. I pull away slightly to look her in the eyes.

"No, Bella. I am the one who should be sorry. I said that I would never run from you, and yet that was the first thing that I did."

Bella nods her head in what I hope is a silent acceptance of my apology. She leads me over to the couch where I notice a folded up blanket and a pillow. Did she sleep out here last night?

We sit down and take each other's hands, neither of us speaking, just enjoying being in the other's presence. Finally, I break the silence.

"Bella, I only have one question, and to be honest, the answer won't change how I feel about you at all. It is just something that I need to know."

She hesitantly looks up at me and I can see that she is holding back tears, but smiles slightly and nods her head to continue.

"Isa's other clients, were you friends with them too? Or was that just me?"

Bella raises her hand and caresses my cheek, a tear finally falling from her eyes. "Only you Edward. I never had any contact with anyone outside of those office walls except you. Even that last client, it was Angela who dressed as Isa to help him that last time."

"Did Angela step in for Isa a lot?" I ask curiously.

Bella throws her head back laughing. "Goodness no! She complained so much about how restricting the veil was and how she couldn't breathe in it. I think if she carries on our work, she is going to need a different way to hide her face."

I laugh with her and it feels so good to be carefree for a moment. I have missed laughing with her. I missed everything about her. Has it really been only a day since she revealed herself to me?

"Bella," I begin, taking her hands back in mine. "Thank you. You healed me. I understand that now, and I can never thank you enough for that. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to relive everything as you helped me to let go. There is no one else in the world that could have helped me but you. I may have pulled you from the fire all of those years ago, but you saved me from it."

"Edward," she breathed as she closed her eyes. "You saved me too. Isa was a coping mechanism for me, a way to take out my anger at what happened. Without you, I may never have been able to give her up." She opened her eyes again and held my gaze with hers. "But you gave me a reason, a reason to give her up; a reason to live MY life, as ME, and not as some nameless faceless woman who doesn't exist outside the walls of her office."

"You are so strong Bella, stronger than anyone I know." I pull out the small box from my pocket and hand it to her. "I got this for you to remind you of that."

Bella slowly takes the box from me and I stop breathing as she opens it.

-Bella-

I look at box in Edward's hand as I reach for it. It is a small white square box; the type jewelry normally comes in. I slowly take it from him and bring it back to my lap. I lift the lid and see a necklace inside. The pendent of the necklace is a small black piece of something that looks like charred wood. It looks fragile, but catches the light; I can only assume it has been coated in a resin. I look back at Edward, hoping for him to expand on what it is.

Instead, he gently lifts the necklace out of the box and moves around to put it on me. I hold my hair back as he begins to speak.

"Bella, do you know why charcoal is an amazing thing?" Charcoal? Amazing?

"No, Edward, I don't," I tell him honestly.

"Because only after a piece of wood has been tempered in fire does it become charcoal. And only then does it become something truly amazing."

I keep silent as he moved back around to sit next to me again.

"Charcoal burns hotter, brighter and longer than regular wood. It is used to make some of the most beautiful pictures. It is used in medicine to absorb chemicals that could harm us. It is used to help nurture crops. It brings us light, warmth, beauty, healing, and it nurtures in a way that regular wood could never do.

"It withstood the fire to come out as something even more amazing, and that is what you have done Bella. In spite of everything that you have been through, you have brought light, warmth and beauty to my world. You have healed and nurtured so many in a way that no one else could have done."

Edward reaches out his hand and lightly takes hold of the pendent. "This piece was taken from the aftermath of a wild fire in California. The artist wanted to show that even after something as horrific as that, there is always hope. That good can come out of even the worse of things."

I look down at the pendent, tears welling up in my eyes. It looks so fragile, but hearing Edward's words, I know it is anything but.

"I may be the charcoal, Edward," I tell him, "but you are the resin that holds me together, that keeps me safe."

I immediately feel Edward's lips on mine and I kiss him back greedily. I thought I would never have these lips against my own again and I grab hold of him and pull him as close to me as I can. After a few minutes of kissing, we both pull away, needing to breathe. Edward pulls me to him, cradling me in his arms.

"I love you, Bella," he tells me. "Nothing can change that."

We stay that way for what feels like hours, just enjoying being with each other, until Edward's stomach rumbles.

"I take it you haven't eaten in a while?" I ask him playfully.

"I was trying to get back to my girl. Food didn't really cross my mind."

I stand up and head to the kitchen, seeing if I can find something for him to eat. It's late and I doubt anything other than fast food restaurants are open. I find some things to make some quick pasta noodles when Edward breaks my thoughts.

"Have you ever gone back?" he asks me.

"Gone back where?" I answer, although I am pretty sure I know where he means.

"To where it happened. To where Alice's house used to be." It does not escape my notice that he does not choke up when he says her name. It also makes me realize that it is hard for me to hear her name. Maybe I still need to let go as well.

"No," I say, turning around to face him. "Although I heard that they turned it into a small park. Is that where you went earlier?"

"Yes, I didn't know about the park. It was very nice though." He sighs, a thought passing through his mind. "I think it was time for me to see it, to help me let go."

"They have a service there every year on the anniversary. That's in a few months, maybe we could go," I suggest, maybe I need to see it to help me get closure as well.

"I'd like that," he says as he comes over and kisses me cheek. "Need help?"

"Sure." I smile back at him, and for the first time in a long time, I am not scared about what the future may hold for us.

**A/N: So I'm sure you can tell that this is wrapping up. Only a couple more chapters to go. Just one or two more loose ends before they get their happy even after. **

**Of you feel there is anything I have missed, please let me know and I'll work in closure on it.**

**Reviews=Teaser!**

**By the way, the FicAwesome Gift Exchange (FAGE) stories are having their own awards. Take a moment and check them out! 42 Excellent stories from six (?) different fandoms. None are incredibly long, but they are all amazing! So head on down, take a read and then go vote. You can go here for links to the stories (fanfiction*net/community/FAGE_2/89748/) and here for voting (www*kwiksurveys*com/?u=FAGEawards/) Take out the "*" and replace with "."**

**See you all next week!**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: I hope everyone had a great week! **

**I don't own Twilight or it's characters. :(**

**Mesmerizeme is the most awesomest beta! **

**Not this is not the epilouge, but there is a bit of a time jump. Let me just say that I have never had to do a college thesis or go before any board like this, all I know I googled and then used some creative license. *ducks and hides***

*Three months later*

-Edward-

I will graduate from my online classes in a week, and after putting out some feelers, I got a job at a local family practice clinic. It's only a certification right now, but it's a step in the right direction. Mr. Grimsley was sad to hear that I was leaving, but he was not at all surprised, he has seen the changes in me lately and knew that I would take advantage of what life had to offer me.

Bella is doing very well. She has started seeing a therapist to help her with her self-esteem issues. Since she no longer has Isa to make her feel useful, she has taken to staying at home almost all of the time, seeing no real reason to leave. It is slow going for now, but I know she will soon find her place in the world again. One thing that we both agree on is that her place is beside me, as mine is beside her. We moved in together a month ago, and I've never felt happier than to come home to her every night, and wake up to her every morning.

Angela has turned in her thesis and we are now waiting to see what the review board has to say about it. The results should be back any day now, and Bella and I are both nervous about it. Especially because she is the main subject.

We finish dinner just as the phone rings. Bella gets up first and I follow her into the living room as she answers.

"Hello?"

"Oh, hello Angela. Did you hear from the board yet?" I lean in closer, desperate to hear what she has to say.

"Oh..." Bella pauses as she listens to what Angela is telling her. I'm dying to know what is happening. I watch as Bella's entire body seems to fall into itself. Whatever is going on is not good.

"Thank you, Angela, for warning me." Warning her? What could she need to be warned about? I look at Bella with pleading eyes, begging her to tell me what is happening.

"Okay, bye," Bella tells her before she hangs up the phone. I watch as Bella begins to shake and I immediately pull her into my arms.

We stay this way for a while before Bella pulls away and walks into the kitchen. She places her hands on the kitchen table and works to slow her breathing. I fear that she may hyperventilate, so I grab a brown lunch bag from the pantry, just in case.

"Baby?" I question her, placing my hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her.

"The thesis board called Angela in to talk to her today," she begins. Bella turns to me and there are so many emotions playing on her face that it is hard to sort them all out. However, one stands out above all others. Fear.

"What did they say?" I whisper to her, as if being quieter will somehow lessen her fear.

"They are demanding that she tell them who Isa is. She says that they are mad that I would operate like that, especially without a license. They are threatening to ban Angela from ever working in the field, and even of firing her adviser for not stopping her."

I gasp in shock. I know Isa helped me, and I can only imagine how much she helped the others. But to see people so blind to what she has done, condemning her without understanding, makes me furious.

"They are threatening to go to the police if she doesn't reveal who I am." I take Bella in my arms and hold her tight; no one is taking her away because she helped people, because she helped me.

"I won't let them find you Bella," I promise her. We'll go somewhere, flee the country. I don't know, but I won't let this happen."

"No, Edward," she tells me as she shakes her head. "We can't just leave Angela to deal with this on her own. And if they go looking, they will find my other clients. I can't allow them to be exposed like that; it could shatter what we've accomplished."

I want so much to whisk her away, but I know she is right. Bella will never forgive herself if she leaves everyone helpless, just to save herself.

"What do you want to do then?" I ask her.

"Go to see the people at the college. Maybe if I can make them see that what I did helped people rather than hurt them..." She trails off, but we both know how hard this will be on her, on both of us.

"I'm coming with you," I tell her. She nods her head and walks back into the living room to call Angela and tell her the plan.

I interrupt their conversation to have her ask Angela for a copy of her paper. I want to read what we are up against before we meet with the board.

Angela agrees to e-mail it to us, and once it comes in, Bella and I pour over it. Angela spared no detail, save Bella's personal relationship with me, and any client's personally identifiable information, but the treatments are written out in black and white. I am amazed to see the amount of people that she had helped. Angela even did follow-up work on each client, to see if the treatment had a lasting effect; so far, for everyone, it has.

I had, in a way, expected to read something akin to a horror story, especially experiencing it firsthand. However, Angela's descriptions were very clinical, and while you can feel the tension from each session, there is nothing horrific in her words. It appears that the paper is lacking the desperation that I am sure every client felt going into this, the desperation that I had felt. Where do they expect us to go when conventional things don't work? Reading this paper makes me realize what needs to be done.

It is late when Bella and I finish reading the paper and I know that she is tired. I tell her to go to bed and that I will join her shortly, telling her that I want to wash the dishes before the food dries. She relents, kissing me on the cheek before she heads off to the bedroom. As soon as she is out of sight, I grab for the phone and call Angela back. I tell her my thoughts and together we create a plan. I just hope it will work.

-Bella-

I wake up the morning of my visit to Angela's thesis board. To say I am nervous is a gross understatement. I will have Edward by my side, so I know that no matter what goes wrong, I will have at least one person there that I can lean on. I won't hold it against Angela if she does what she needs to do in order to save her career. Edward is still sleeping as I slip out of bed and head to the shower, in my anxiety last night, I laid out my clothes for today and there is little to do but shower and make breakfast.

Edward walks is as I am putting the coffee on and he wraps his arms around me, kissing my hair.

"Good morning," he whispers. His hair is still wet and leaves water droplets on my ear.

"It is morning," I reply more curtly that I mean to. Edward lets it pass and I feel like he is walking on eggshells around me.

"No matter what happens today, I'm not letting you go," he reassures me. I feel him squeeze me tighter before placing a chaste kiss on my cheek. He lets go so I can finish the coffee and he gets himself something to eat.

We finish getting ready without another word. I can feel the dread welling up inside of me and the knowledge that it will only be worse if I don't show up keeps me going. We arrive at the college a little after eight in the morning; our appointment is at eight thirty. We quickly find the conference room that the meeting will be held in and sit in the chairs outside. Angela arrives soon after and greets us. I am surprised that she greets Edward first and calls him Mr. Cullen, while she calls me Bella. She sits next to Edward and talks to him about the upcoming meeting. Why is she avoiding me? I'm here to turn myself into them. Why is she playing as if I am not a part of this?

Soon an older woman opens the door slightly and pokes her head out. She sees Angela, and after glaring slightly at Edward and I, ushers us into the conference room and to our seats, Edward is sitting in the middle, with Angela and I on either side. I am glad he is near for support. There are three people sitting across from us and each of them is nearly glaring at us. I want nothing more than to melt into a puddle of goo and pour myself into the nearest potted plant to hide.

The woman who showed us in takes her seat. "Shall we begin?" she asks in a cold tone.

"Please," Angela tells her, no hint of hesitation or fear in her voice.

"Then for the record, Ms. Weber, can you please introduce your... guests," she sneers at the last word and I find myself cringing a bit.

"This is Mr. Edward Cullen, a former client of Isa, and his girlfriend, Bella Swan. Mr. Cullen is here to speak on Isa's behalf." What? What are they doing? I am about to protest when the woman on the board begins to speak.

"We do not need a character witness! We requested that you produce this Isa person and now you bring someone to vouch for her? Is she afraid to face what she has done?" The woman is visibly upset and I am beginning to feel that she has doomed me even before we have met. There will be no pleading my case with this woman. As I look around, I notice the others appear to have the same opinion, it is clear that this woman is the leading voice of the board; what she says, they follow.

"If I may," Edward says, trying to get things back on track, but they will not listen to him.

"NO!" the woman screams out, standing up in a fit of rage. "You are wasting our time!"

"YOU are wasting everyone's time!" Edward yells back at her. Now standing as well, he towers over her. I have never heard Edward speak in such a tone and it makes me fear what he will say if his temper is getting the best of him.

"You will meet Isa. Of that, I swear to you. But first, I am here to make damn sure that you understand what happened here. You are all so scared of what is different that you immediately cast it aside," he continues in a raised voice. The woman begins to object to his tone, but the man sitting next to her reaches out his hand to her arm. She looks back at him and he shakes his head slightly, causing her to become silent and sit back down. I guess she is not as in charge as her actions lead us to believe.

"Thank you," Edward tells them in a calmer voice. "I am sure that you have read in the paper about my history. I was Isa's last client. My history involved a fire that killed several of my friends and I blamed myself for their deaths. What the paper does not tell you is that for years, to rid myself of my guilt, I would physically hurt myself. I was cut off from any social activities, I had no friends, I dropped out of college, and I led a shell of a life. I tried therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, hypnosis, meditation, medication, everything that the medical and scientific community could think of, nothing worked. At the end of the day, I only felt more guilt for what had happened." He pauses to collect himself for a moment before he continues.

"Then I met Isa. I was surprised at first by the vagueness of her treatment explanations. I signed non-disclosure agreements and waivers of liability, but the most common theme among everything that I did with Isa, was that it was entirely MY choice. I could have left at any time. The treatments were paid each time and not before. The only guarantee that Isa even gave me, was to take my guilt away. That is what she did. She was able to do for me what scores of doctors could not. While I did not meet any other clients directly, the few that I saw in the lobby were just as grateful as I was.

"Doctors used to call Acupuncturists and Meditation specialists nothing more than snake oil peddlers, now we know that their work makes a huge difference in people s lives. What twenty years ago would have been considered a crack science is now a common recommendation from the medical community. This is the same thing. Just because you don't agree with it, or completely understand it, does not mean that it is wrong. While Isa may or may not have a license to practice, her clients were never hoarded, or advised not to seek help elsewhere. They were very upfront that it was our choice to be there.

"I doubt you will find any client of Isa who will talk ill of either her or Ms. Weber. If you have no complaints from clients, you have no legal case against her."

"Maybe so Mr. Cullen," the woman replies, "but Ms. Weber's involvement was unethical, to say the least."

"What do you consider ethical? To sit by and allow someone to suffer when you have the means to help them?" Edward quips back at her.

The woman is about to respond when the man next to her holds up his hand. He and the other man have been silent up to this point.

"The board will depart to discuss this new information," he says, giving the woman a pointed look. "Ms. Weber, Mr. Cullen, Ms. Swan, if you could stay a moment, I have something I would like to discuss with you."

We each nod our head in agreement as the other board members file out of the room. Once the door closes, the man turns directly to me.

"Do you know who I am?" he asks me. I am confused because this is the first time anyone has spoken directly to me since we arrived.

"No sir, I am afraid that I do not," I tell him.

"I know who you are," he tells me, and I feel Edward's hand grip mine tightly in worry. He notices this and smiles at us. "Do not worry Mr. Cullen, your secret is safe with me." He turns back toward me. "My name is Alex Newton, my nephew is Michael Newton. I believe he was a client of yours." My breath catches as I realize what he is saying.

"Yes, he was," I admit to him.

"His parents had taken him to several doctors trying to figure out why he was suddenly depressed. Nothing seemed to help. Then, once they stopped, he seemed to get better. No one knew why, and he never told us. That was you, wasn't it?" I nod my head, confirming his suspicions. "I didn't know until I read it in Ms. Weber's paper, I recognized the scenario and the time frame. Thank you for that."

"If you knew she had helped him, why did you want to turn her over to the police?" Edward questions.

"Because I couldn't reveal what I knew, and the rest of the board was put out. My hands are tied, that is why I allowed this meeting to take place. I was hoping that we could resolve this without revealing any more information, from either side. Now, after that display, I think that we can all walk away without any problems."

"What about Angela?" I ask.

"Oh, don't worry about Ms. Weber," he tells me with a wink, then turns to Angela. "There is a psychology grant coming up soon, Ms. Weber. I strongly suggest that you submit your work for consideration; I have a feeling that the head of the grant board will be very interested in seeing this research furthered, under controlled circumstances, of course." His stress on certain words leads me to believe that either he is head of that particular board, or very good friends with whoever is. Either way, it sounds like a great opportunity for her.

We thank Mr. Newton and he assures us that we will know the board s decision by the end of the day; we should not worry. With that knowledge in hand, the three of us decide to grab lunch at a little deli on campus.

Lunch is very quiet; we are each lost in our own thoughts about what has happened. Soon it is time for Angela to leave and for Edward and I to head back home.

On the way back, I think about what Edward has said to the board. I knew Edward was accepting of what happened, even crediting what I did, helping him heal, but to hear him so vehemently defend Isa really brought it home for me. There really is no animosity left in him over this.

We walk up to our apartment building and Edward grabs the mail. I see a purple envelope in his hand; we look at each other knowing what it is before we even open it. It is the same invitation we get every year to the memorial service for our friends.

His eyes ask me the silent question and I answer just as silently with mine.

This year, we are going.

**A/N: How do we all feel about Edward and Angela's little plan to save Bella? **

**So they are finally going to go! So there is only one more chapter and then an epi left. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me, I really do love you all!**

**Review=Teaser!**


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: Happy Saturday! The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, and hubby is taking me out on the motorcycle! WooHoo!**

**Mesmerizeme is my awesome tutor for the english language. Yes it is my first language, and yes I can speak it pretty well, but I am still clueless when it comes to punctuation! LOL**

**I don't own anything. :(**

-Bella-

The taxi pulls into the neighborhood and I feel like I have entered a dream. It has been so long since I have been here, so long since I have had the strength to even consider returning. I reach over and squeeze Edward's thigh. He is the reason I am here, he is the strength that I always needed.

He smiles back at me and leans over to lightly kiss my forehead. I smile and close my eyes as I lean into his lips; he is my rock, my strength.

The taxi finally comes to a stop in front of the park. We pay our fare and step out into the afternoon sun, Edward takes my hand and we walk forward. I am surprised at how many people have come to gather here. Looking around, I realize that there is not a free parking spot in sight, and the park is nearly overcrowded with people.

Off to the side I see the Hale family offering cookies and water to anyone who wants it. I see a few people nearby with cookies in their hands and I notice that the cookies are decorated to look like roses and cars. As we walk further into the park, Edward points out an area near the old tree house where the Brandon's are offering arts and crafts to all of the children. Through the crowd, we see another area where the Whitlock s are setting people up with foam swords and shields and letting them battle each other. Not too far from that, the McCarty's are doing face painting and throwing footballs through a hoop.

It feels good to see my friends remembered this way, their lives celebrated.

"You came." We both turn around to find Emmett's mother, her eyes filled with happiness at seeing us. She immediately engulfs us both in a hug.

"I'm sorry it took so long," I whisper to her as she releases us.

"Nonsense dear, you needed to come to terms with what happened in your own way. What matters now is that you came," she says, turning to look at Edward, "that you both came."

I cannot help but smile. I was so afraid that we would be out of place, but so far, we are being welcomed with open arms.

"Are you staying for the memorial?" she asks.

"Yes, we planned on it," Edward tells her.

"Lovely, would you mind if we mention that you are here?" she asks timidly.

"Not at all," I tell her. Her face breaks into huge smile and she takes our hands and gives them a squeeze before running off.

"Come on love," Edward says to me. "Let s go celebrate our friends."

We walk over to the McCarty's table where Edward and I each get our faces painted in the school colors, getting Emmett's football number on our cheeks. We talk to Emmett's family as they paint our faces, getting lost in our favorite memories. I laugh as Edward tries a few times to get the football through the target with no luck. Of course my laughter quickly dies down as I have no luck getting it through the target either. I can almost hear Emmett laughing at me as one of my shots goes wide and nearly hits someone. Near the table is a flier with Emmett's smiling face and some words about who he was and how he lived. I read over it, remembering my friend.

Next, we go toward the Whitlock's table. Jasper's mother recognizes us right away and gives us both a hug; his father comes and shakes both of our hands. We quickly find ourselves outfitted in foam gear and weapons and thrust into a roped off area to test our skill. We are both terrible at it and we both laugh as we just have fun pummeling each other. I can almost see Jasper shaking his head in frustration at us. There is another flier near the table, this time talking about Jasper. We read it over before heading to the next table.

As we walk over to the Brandon's table, a young dark haired girl runs over to Edward and gives him a quick hug.

"I knew you'd come!" she tells him excitedly as she pulls away from the embrace. Edward smiles at her and pulls me to him.

"I'm glad we did," I say as I look up at Edward's smiling face. The young girl gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she runs back to wherever she came from. I look up at Edward with questioning eyes.

"Alice's cousin, Ashley. She was here when I came here the first time." I nod my head in understanding and we continue forward.

We do some of the crafts as Alice's family flits about and we laugh with those around us. I can't help but notice all of the bright colors and glitter everywhere. I laugh as Edward pours some glitter in my hair and I smear neon colored paint on his arm. I look down at the little fairy that I've been coloring and I would almost swear that it winked at me, just like Alice would always do when we were being silly. When we finish with our crafts, we read over the flier posted for Alice and head off to the next area.

It turns out that the cookies were not just there to take, but to decorate as well. Edward takes a car and I take a rose, and soon we have messily smeared frosting over each. I notice that Edward's car is covered in an odd shade of green and I can't help but reach out and lightly smack Edward on the back of his head.

"What was that for?" he asks me with playful confusion.

"Rosalie would have had your hide for that. What kind of a color is that for a car? So they even make car paint in that color?" I ask him, laughing at his cookie. He laughs with me.

"Probably not," he responds before taking a bite of his cookie, "but it sure tastes good."

We look up from our laughter to see Mr. Hale coming toward us. He smiles sadly at us as he speaks.

"Thank you for coming. It means a lot that you both are here." He clasps each of us on our shoulders and walks back to his wife. I look back toward Edward, it seems that they needed us to come as much as we did. We read over the flier for Rose before heading over to the plaque where Mr. Banner, the high school principal, is preparing to speak.

"Thank you everyone for coming out today to help us remember and celebrate the lives of those that were lost on this very site. Four students, whose lives were cut short in a tragic accident," Mr. Banner begins.

"Rosalie Hale, Emmett McCarty, Alice Brandon and Jasper Whitlock will forever be remembered by the community. I invite you all to visit the tables set up by each of their families to celebrate their lives.

"This year we are focusing on moving forward. Today we have with us, Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen." He gestures toward us and I squeeze Edward's hand tightly, feeling uncomfortable at the attention. "They are the survivors of the fire that happened here, survivors who live every day with scars, both physical and emotional, from that night. Yet, here they stand, facing the world head on, an example to all of us overcoming the trials that fate sends our way.

"I can't tell you enough Bella and Edward what it means to have you here today. Thank you both for joining us."

He continues on, introducing a group of firefighters who are there to talk about fire safety. Edward and I slip out of the crowd and head toward an unoccupied bench. Edward must see the tears forming in my eyes because he offers to grab me a drink, giving me a moment alone with my memories.

I finally let the tears fall, there are not a lot, but they dampen my face the same.

"I miss you," I whisper, wishing they could somehow hear me. Suddenly a soft breeze blows through the park, lightly blowing my hair in various directions. I feel the exposed scars on my neck tingle with the wind, like a gentle caress and somehow I know they have heard me.

Edward comes back and squats down in front of me, offering me the drink. I take in and smile at him in thanks.

"Do you want to go?" he asks me.

"Want to go?" I ask. I shake my head at him. "No, I don't. But I'm ready to go, if that makes any sense." He smiles back and I can tell that he understands what I mean.

I am ready to move on, to let go of that night. It will always be in my heart and my memories, but now instead of holding me back, it makes me stronger.

My name is Isabella, and I am ready to live.

**A/N: So as I said before this is the last chapter *sniff* before the epilouge. I'll save the long winded speach for then but I hope you all know how much your support for this story means to me. I hate to see these characters go, but I think they are in a good enough place that they will be okay.**

**Review=Teaser**


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: I don't own it. :(**

**Massive thanks to Mesmerize me for pulling my head out of my butt when this turned out less than fluffy the first time. **

**By the way - 250 reviews? You all blow me away!**

-Edward-

-Two years later-

Bella looks beautiful standing next to the fountain in the center of the park. It is a beautiful summer day and I can no longer hold in my desire to have her with me forever.

"How about you make a wish?" I suggest as I hand her a quarter from my pocket. She smiles back at me and closes her eyes, concentrating on her wish. I use the distraction to pull the box from my other pocket and drop down to one knee as she takes a step forward to toss the coin in. She turns back towards me and her face breaks out into the biggest smile as she sees the ring I am holding out. She finally discovered the old ring I had bought for her when we were younger and it currently hangs on a chain around her wrist. This one is brand new, I wanted there to be no doubts that this was about moving forward.

"Isabella Swan, you are my every thought, my every desire. Nothing in my life has been as powerful as my love for you, my need to be beside you, and for you to be beside me. There is nothing else in the world that I will ever want more than for you to be my wife. Marry me."

Bella's smile grows larger and she glances back at the fountain for a moment before returning her gaze to me.

"That must have been some magic quarter you gave me Edward." Her words confuse me and I start to feel a little nervous at her reaction. Seeing this, she steps forward and takes my outstretched hands in hers.

"Because my wish just came true. Yes, Edward, I will marry you." I nearly fall over with how quickly I jump up to pull her into my arms and kiss her senseless. When we pull away from the kiss, I take her hand and place the ring on her finger, kissing her hand softly.

-Eight Years later-

I finish washing the dishes from dinner and head off to find my lovely Bella, my wife. It has been eight years since I proposed to Bella and she accepted, eight of the happiest years of my life. I find her upstairs in our daughter, Mary Lynn's, room reading her a bedtime story. The damage from the fire on Bella's body seemed not to have left her barren, as we found out after coming home from our honeymoon to discover that she was pregnant. I walk in and give both of my girls a kiss on the cheek as Bella tells Mary how the brave princess slayed the dragon to save the prince. I shake my head as I head back out into the hall wondering where Bella gets these books. Our son, Dale Lee's, room was the next door and I poked my head in to make sure that he was going to bed and not playing video games. Fortunately, for him, he was reading a comic book. We said goodnight to each other and I headed off to Bella's and my bedroom.

We decided to name our children after our lost friends, adopting their middle names, well, Alice's first name, for each of our children.

I go through my nightly routine and Bella joins me shortly after and goes through hers as well. I turn down the covers and we both slip in between the sheets, ready for a good night sleep. Without even having to think about it, I wrap my arms around her and pull her to me. It's the way we have slept every night for as long as I can remember. I can't help but think about how my life has turned out; so different from what it was ten years ago. I pull Bella a little closer to me and smile. Life can throw you the worst situations, but it can also give you the best blessings.

**A/N: I know it was short, I think they just wanted me to get out of their hair and let them live without all the drama I kept sending them. LOL.**

**This story turned out WAY different than what I had origionally expected it to be. I think it was just as much a journey for me as it was for anyone else. But I kind of liked that. I hope you all have enjoyed reading as much as I have writing!**

**Thank you so much to everyone that read this story. But most of all thank you to my faithful reviewers. I really cannot express how much you all mean to me. The fact that you all reviewed each and every chapter, and some of you even wrote back about the teasers, really warms my heart. I love the community that we have here on FF (when the site works) and people like you make it all worth it. I love each and every one of you!**

**Fyrekiss  
dazzleglo  
flojo03  
ZenOne  
Rebadams7  
Lori94  
mesmerizeme  
blulou  
skelley62  
lvtwilight09**

**I am working on a new story, kind of a reverse slash crack fic, but it's going to be less than 10 chapters so I want to finish the whole thing before I start posting it. Here is the summary I am thinking about going with:**

_**Bella is convinced that every man is supposed to acty like she's read in the trashy romance novels. Edward is convinced that once you go Vampire, you don't go back; to the oppisite sex that is. Every vampire he knows is gay! Can Edward find love in someone he thinks he shouldn't? Will he be willing to change her even if it means losing her to his mom? Follow along as they figure out what true love really means, and that sometimes you just have to forget trying to be 'normal'.**_


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